No, not my own flesh and blood. No scratch that, my own flesh and blood. Flesh? Okay I don’t know if i want to get into that. But basically, not of my own womb but mine all the same. I really cannot wait to have my own kids though, I think if you truly know me then you know that I am in LOVE with babies and I cannot stop gushing about how I want my own. When the time is right, of course, but that doesn’t mean I am any less excited.
What I mean though, Cancer gave me kids!
Today last year, I became a mother STAT! I didn’t have 9 months to get used to the idea, it was happening, it happened, “take a seat with this whole used to the idea thing,” life said, “You are now a mother.ACT like it”
You see some people are usually prepared when death is lurking whether it is in form of Cancer or any other sickness, you know its coming so you start preparing. For me this was not the case. Sure she had Cancer for 6 years of her life but DEATH? It never crossed our minds. I mean NEVER.
My mother was/ is my number one strong woman.( Because there are many strong women out there). For me though, my mum is numero uno and then all the rest. She fought this disease so zealously so much so that her getting admitted was just another one of those things. Like a vacation to the hospital so that we can get to have ice cream every night before we went home, for free 🙂 Hah, free…the hospital bills. Free my ass. But still…it was just something else that had become routine. We always knew she would be out and kicking. She always came home.
Bone marrow transplant?Nailed that! ICU take one?Been there ,done that! She literally had no chill with this disease. She was taking it head on.
So yeah ( Is it proper to write like this?) when she left i had to take up her roll with immediate effect! I had to MAN up and be there for my Children. (My siblings if you are still lost) I had to be strong for them. I had to say, everything will be okay.
I FAILED MISERABLY! My sister was literally hugging me in her tiny arms saying “Barbz don’t cry, mummy wouldn’t want you to cry. She is in a better place” My sister, the 13-Year old. It was hard for me…with my two decades of life and she was the one being strong. I cried for days on end, crying myself to sleep was the routine.After frequent pep talks from my YOUNGER siblings, crying myself to sleep would follow.
And then that morning when my brother broke down…it was about 5 In the morning. Being the man of the house other than my dad, he had been holding it in and staying strong for his sisters. But that kind of life change, you break , you have to, before you can stand up again.
I was broken, I knew i had to become that mother and I had to do it immediately.So the role I acquired on the 2nd of December became mine to practice. Crying in front of them was a no no! Fighting over useless things like the remote was a no no. Which mother physically fights their daughter for a remote? Well unless they are toddlers and they are doing something crazy like eating it. But you know what I mean.
So today marks one year of being a mother! I have really grown to be honest. In the way I think and reason. Those motherly instincts kicked in. I don’t go anywhere or do anything without thinking about my siblings and how they need to benefit before I do. Their happiness is my key priority and I can’t tell you how being away from them right now is hard.
So hey if you see my kids around, tell them I miss and Love them. Of course i tell them every chance I get but between the last born being at a “too cool to text my mother” teenage age and the 1st born soaking in all the perks of being at home after four years of Boarding, lets just say I don’t get to tell them everyday.
Otherwise, 1 Year Anniversary mummy, continue to rest in Eternal peace.
I miss and love you.