This is why…

The reason is …

I spoke to an Aunt of mine the day before last and she happened to mention that they traveled upcountry. It was mums One year anniversary anyway right? Plus…the grave was now finally set in stone and they could make it prettier and all that.

I remember being very upset when I looked at her grave and it didn’t look appealing to me. Why isn’t there white marble stone around it? Why isn’t her picture not on the stone? WHY IS IT SO DAMN MESSY? I thought it was messy…i thought it was unfair. Turns out you have to let the stone and cement and whatever else sit in and then as tradition(We have had many funerals) we go back after one year and it is made ” pretty” so to speak.

I quickly texted my brother and asked him to send me pictures and It was beautiful. I broke down as usual and went through the photos again and again and again. It was everything I wanted for my mums resting place.

They didn’t tell me they were going, probably afraid it would touch a nerve and me being all the way in Sweden, well they really can’t help me out.

I don’t know if I would have had the strength to go back If I was home, there is no doubt I would find myself in Busia with the rest, but whether it would be easy for me? I have no idea. I am still afraid and my heart heavy and coming that close scares me…maybe seeing the grave is too much reality for me and I much rather like it when I imagine her being away at the hospital for a long stay.

Yeah, that’s what I do. I have convinced my brain that she is away on one of those long hospital trips and she will be back sooner or later. Thinking of her in a coffin, in a grave. That is too much for me to bear. My bubble is much better to deal with, the hospital one.

Is it Normal?That I am making my own reality so that I don’t plunge in too deep?That I am afraid to call it as it is just so that it doesn’t hurt? Have you lost a loved one?Do you push it away too? Are you afraid of their grave? Does traveling back there make you feel like you are re-living the most painful moment in your entire life? Did you deal with it?How? Tell me please?Comment section is there for a reason. Plus we are on this journey together aren’t we? Me and you? (Grammar alert, allow it) You and I? Us?

I hope that I get to the point of healing that I will very much like to travel Upcountry to see her and I can’t WAIT for such a time.

For now though, I am happy that they made it pretty. I am sure she likes it. I like it 🙂

” I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the Faith”  2 Tim.4 :7

I love you mummy.

love and love to my readers.

B.

Comments

comments

10 Comments

  • Steff
    3 years ago

    I believe you will heal with time. I really wish I got to meet her.

    • 3 years ago

      Awww I wish you did!! 🙁 I definitely will, thank you 🙂

  • 3 years ago

    I do too. I put my mind to believe that my aunty will come back she’s just resting at home. That is before the images of her cremation come flooding but eventually the former wins. Think of her everyday

    • 3 years ago

      At least I am not alone. We will be just fine 🙂

  • Caz
    3 years ago

    For me being away killed me and it was tearing me apart. I had to travel and felt like if I go back maybe I will find out this was just a dream. That’s before I saw the grave and I swear there were knives stabbing every core of my body!! Life is never the same after – but time is a healer with God as a best friend.

    • 3 years ago

      I can imagine Caz. Life is never the same indeed but with God it is possible. We shall get there 🙂 xx

  • 3 years ago

    Time heals barbie! And you’ve got mad support back home. (me being your number 1 fan!) i admire how you deal with life. You are a brave, pretty lady and your smile always reminds me of her. Take your time to cry it all out. And if in writing you find some sort of closure, go for it darling! You’re doing a great job!

    Mapenzi tele barbie!

    • 3 years ago

      Love and Love Judy, Thank you so much!! 🙂 xx

  • 3 years ago

    Only time will tell lovie. It could be months, years, a lifetime but it’s only you who’ll know when you’re ready. No one else can dictate to you that “Barbara for sure now is the time to stop…” because let’s face it… Different people accept things differently. So do you boo-boo. I see my dad sometimes looking all down and I realised that well , no matter how old you are, losing parents is tough on the emotions regardless of how much time passes. I don’t know how he handles it. I really don’t. Time is a healer and so is surrounding yourself with love and positivity.
    Love you sweetheart.
    *Mapenzi. Love* 🙂

    • 3 years ago

      Awwww Moxie, Thank you so much!! In due time. I love you babe 🙂 xx

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