The reason is …
I spoke to an Aunt of mine the day before last and she happened to mention that they traveled upcountry. It was mums One year anniversary anyway right? Plus…the grave was now finally set in stone and they could make it prettier and all that.
I remember being very upset when I looked at her grave and it didn’t look appealing to me. Why isn’t there white marble stone around it? Why isn’t her picture not on the stone? WHY IS IT SO DAMN MESSY? I thought it was messy…i thought it was unfair. Turns out you have to let the stone and cement and whatever else sit in and then as tradition(We have had many funerals) we go back after one year and it is made ” pretty” so to speak.
I quickly texted my brother and asked him to send me pictures and It was beautiful. I broke down as usual and went through the photos again and again and again. It was everything I wanted for my mums resting place.
They didn’t tell me they were going, probably afraid it would touch a nerve and me being all the way in Sweden, well they really can’t help me out.
I don’t know if I would have had the strength to go back If I was home, there is no doubt I would find myself in Busia with the rest, but whether it would be easy for me? I have no idea. I am still afraid and my heart heavy and coming that close scares me…maybe seeing the grave is too much reality for me and I much rather like it when I imagine her being away at the hospital for a long stay.
Yeah, that’s what I do. I have convinced my brain that she is away on one of those long hospital trips and she will be back sooner or later. Thinking of her in a coffin, in a grave. That is too much for me to bear. My bubble is much better to deal with, the hospital one.
Is it Normal?That I am making my own reality so that I don’t plunge in too deep?That I am afraid to call it as it is just so that it doesn’t hurt? Have you lost a loved one?Do you push it away too? Are you afraid of their grave? Does traveling back there make you feel like you are re-living the most painful moment in your entire life? Did you deal with it?How? Tell me please?Comment section is there for a reason. Plus we are on this journey together aren’t we? Me and you? (Grammar alert, allow it) You and I? Us?
I hope that I get to the point of healing that I will very much like to travel Upcountry to see her and I can’t WAIT for such a time.
For now though, I am happy that they made it pretty. I am sure she likes it. I like it 🙂
” I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the Faith” 2 Tim.4 :7
I love you mummy.
love and love to my readers.