” When I go, I want you to decide what is to be done with my clothes”
First I have to point out that, that statement sent unimaginable chills down my spine. It was the ” When I go” that made me stop in my tracks. This was about two months prior and she was sounding as sure as ever that she was going somewhere and she wanted me to deal with her belongings but in particular her clothes. I don’t know If I want to write about the clothes or the fact that she was sounding so sure.
They say sometimes you know when you are about to go, I don’t know how true this is but I have a strong feeling that my mother knew. Conversations such as these behind closed doors that I have never shared with anyone before are the reason for my conviction. At this point I am not sure whether it was the Cancer but since this is that blog * is this line becoming a thing?* I think when you have suffered from Cancer or just any disease for a long time, you might just know that you are about done fighting.
No… not that you are giving up. Just that, well, It really is time to take a breather you know? I feel like she knew. She took so many active steps within her last years but especially her last year, that when I think about it now, it is almost like she had an idea.
It started with her job resignation.
Guys I have never been more afraid before then, like I was on that day when she came into my room and was like ” I have resigned from work.” It is so so so selfish but the first thought that came to my mind was about how the hell are we going to survive. And I asked her, I was like ” Mum are you sure, what about living? Everything we have to pay for?” In my head I added, does that mean I can’t go shopping every so often? Will we have to wait like a year before we shop?( Selfish, I know. But it is human nature no? to be concerned with the material things in this life?We are to err, yes? Such weak and flawed beings we are) It is almost as if she read my mind though because the next thing she said was ” Don’t worry, nothing is going to change”
Because she knew, she had a plan. I think she had a plan because I am as fine as can be, we are fine and I am almost pretty sure she made sure of that. These months away in a foreign land, she handled that before she left. She pushed me to go for it and promised she would cover everything. Even in the end she asked about the progress ” Have you made sure everything is in place?”
And then next came her Personal Spiritual Life. It is better not to go into detail because that’s hers and God’s but I can tell you , she prepared for this part too and I am certain she is in Heaven, Like zero doubts. That smile on her face before she left, I am so certain. WE always pray that they are, I Pray that she is, but I also know that she is. 🙂
Now I lost my train of thought and the words are no longer flowing. Don’t you just hate when that happens? Maybe then back to her clothes? What do you do with their belongings? Everything is left as is because I have no idea what to do…I mean I have acquired new pieces thanks to my Mothers lovely sense of Fashion but they are also those that no matter how much I want them cannot fit me. So then what? Give them away? But doesn’t that mean I am letting go? That I will forget a piece of her? Having them is better , to make us feel like she is still there. But is that beautiful white summer dress going to rot in the closet?
I think this is one of the hard parts, having to do away with things that remind us of them. We don’t have to do away with them, but when we keep them and then what? Do you understand my dilemma? What did you do? When you lost them? What happened to their stuff? Did you feel guilty when you gave them away? That is if you gave them away. Do you still keep them? why? Help me? What did you do? I want to know.
As soon as when I write to you,
love and love,