It happened when I left for the world,lol, but even before that I knew. I just didn’t know where or how to start. But I knew I was ready to start. To start the healing process and letting go. To finally come to terms with the loss and to pick myself and wipe the dust off.
About two months prior to her passing, my mum had lost one of her sisters. This particular sister she really Loved. She loved all her sisters and they were the best of friends but her sister Catherine she had a special love for her. She loved her so much so that at her funeral she made sure everyone danced and celebrated her Sister’s life because it is what she would have wanted. But inside I think she also did it because she was thankful that her sisters pain was all gone and now she could rest.
That death really affected me more than I thought it would.
I was not able to sleep with my lights off for those two months and I would wake up in between my sleep panicking. Many times when my dad would come to check up on me, I would get frightened and move with a start ,confused about my whereabouts.
Then my mum passed and all this was heightened. With my mum though, I begged her in my prayers to go in peace and not appear in my dreams. My aunt never did, but with my mum I didn’t know. ( You know how they say the dead come to you in your dreams? No? Well i have heard stories) She out of all people knew just how much of a weak soul I have. I don’t know if it is the soul that is weak but there is some strength in me that I lack. Night mares get the best of me and anything and everything startles me.
It is so bad that I would squeeze in my parents bed with my mum whenever I would freak out. She would always tease me about this because at my size and age she couldn’t understand for the life of her what was wrong with me. Yaaap 20 years and I would occasionally sleep with my mother. lol . That sounds wrong, I mean I would sleep next to her in her bed.
So anyway, I asked her. I said that it was not because I wanted to forget her but because I was just not strong enough for that. I was sure she would understand. She knew only too well how deep that went.
And so for about the next four months after her passing the only way I would sleep in my bed was if the lights were on. I slowly upgraded to where I would sleep with the lights off if my Dad turned them off but it had to be MANY hours after I had already gone to bed.
Out of nowhere though,,, one evening I went to bed and I turned off the lights myself. I hadn’t even noticed until the next morning when it hit me. That moment, that is when I knew I was ready to let my mum and aunt rest in peace. It was when I knew it was time to heal and move on.
That “strength” I was on about earlier? I have some of it now. At least I can proudly say it has been many many months since I last slept with my lights on. I mean I had to acquire it anyway. My dad would have been happy to keep turning them off but there is not much he can do from Kenya when his baby girl is in Sweden right? Small things still scare me but living alone builds a bone in you immune to fear, okay maybe not, but basically I had to man up and face my fear and I did. It is possible.
So if you are grieving and you are still holding on, but it is breaking you into tiny pieces and you want to move on but you just can’t? Be patient. The time is coming when you will be mentally prepared to move one, you will just know. For now, let it all out till there is no more in you. Until you are at peace.
Love and love,