So I wrote this post months ago when I first went through her funeral service book this year, however, I did not publish it because I was not too sure if it was true. If i really indeed felt like I was healing or at least on the road to healing, the closest road at that.
Funny thing is, I am still not sure, I have a lot going on and I am very uncertain, however, I think it is best if I put up the post anyway. It just might be the first step to actual healing. Also i have been glancing at my stats page every now and then and I get disappointed at myself for not leaving you guys with any content and for that I apologize.
Anyway, onto it then.
I think I am healing.
I think I am here to tell you that I am healing.
I think that healing of the heart is possible.
You see I have her Funeral Service program in my room. We all do actually. In fact,I think we have one in every corner of the house. There was a point we were giving them out way after the funeral to whoever visited the house. Especially to those who did not attend the funeral or did not hear of the news until much later.
I was giving them out because I wanted everyone to know what a remarkable woman my mother was. I wanted them to all see the beauty she radiated because she was one stunning woman. I wanted to make sure my mother’s name would not be forgotten. I did not want to forget her and I did not want anybody else to either.
Anyway, so before, any time I would take the program into my hands in the past I would literally break down. I did not even have to flip too many pages to ignite the water works ( See what I did there?) they would just flow as if on cue.
This time however, the first time this year I was going through it, it was different. I cried…obviously, I’m just that emotional girl. But the tears were not painful tears. I did not end up having a headache the whole day after crying. There was no painful knot in my throat when the memories were flashing back. I had a good cry.
Maybe it is just this one time…maybe I was just at a different place this time and I was being positive. Maybe the next time I go through it, the painful knot will form again. However, at least this time it was not there.
Each day at a time. I have learned there is no other way to do this. In fact there is no other way to live life but each day at a time. Why am I talking like I have an option? It is not like we are given two days at a go. Each day. It is because I had not fully encompassed this phrase into my life before.
I have now. Living like there is no tomorrow. Letting tomorrow….if it does come…to deal with itself..tomorrow. But today..I shall deal with today because It is all I have. P.s. I shall deal with tomorrow too..If I have tomorrow…I just needed my sentence there to flow a little bit.lol
Anyway I hope those on my bandwagon are in this stage, the stage of feeling and realizing that you are possibly healing and then letting it happen. Not letting it go..I mean you can let it go..but is that a thing we want? To let it go? are we meant to?
Love and love