It had been a good day, the sun was out and Zucchini Ice-cream was a good plan. My friend Aggie and I went on and on about different topics as we enjoyed our ice-cream and stole a few snaps for the gram and Snapchat.
It seems that these days that is the validation that you’re living life,winning at life, it really isn’t though and if you feel like the number of likes you get or followers you have define you, then I suggest you check yourself! We are not of this earth and all these material things will matter not when we need to move on to the next realm.
So be wary.I have encountered enough people who think that if you didn’t put it up on Snapchat then you sure as hell must be lying OR it wasn’t as great as you said it was. Really though? Anyway, that is for another day. When used in moderation however, I see no problem. When it does not define you, then by all means go ahead, do you booboo 🙂
Anyway, after a good outing, a hot shower and dinner, I resorted to go to bed. It had been a long day and I had an even longer day coming and I needed to be well rested.
I was not able to knock out immediately and thus decided to scroll my social media pages for a while. I happened to have been filled with so much emotion that night and I kept thinking about all the losses I had in my life, it was mostly friends that my mind was on about but as sure as the setting of the sun, it did not leave my mother out of it. Trust my sneaky little brain.
I began to reminisce of the times we spent together and thereafter I lamented on those that we will never spend together. Since I was on social media, worldly thoughts came into play.
I thought of how Instagram had barely hit it when she left and how we did not get the opportunity to take enough selfies. I thought of how I didn’t have Snapchat at the time and how I will never get the chance to take a video of her commenting on something,or driving me around, or even making fun of something that we came across. All worldly things of which the connection and relationships they build is what is of importance.
Facebook is usually the last stop and I decided to search for her account. I felt horrible that I had never added her and I was tempted to send a friend request along with a message on messenger to tell her how much I missed her.
By this time enough tears had cascaded down my cheeks and what I was doing was crying silently. I did not want to wake anyone. I wanted to suffer, I wanted to feel pain, I wanted it to hurt when I couldn’t swallow and even more when I couldn’t breathe because of a blocked nose. What relief from pain did I deserve when she wasn’t even here? Emotional pain so that we are clear, that which you can almost feel in your heart.
I scrolled down her page and read everything she ever wrote or at least that which Facebook allowed me to view because I was not her friend 🙁 I saw messages to her cousins and friends from South Africa, I saw changes in her profile picture and even an update on her profile when she retired. I don’t know why but it broke me, I was now crying louder than before but trying to keep it down, my tears creating immense wetness on my pillow. Why did she have to go? Why couldn’t she just wait a bit longer? A few more years, Lies….MANY more years. She will not be here for the big moments in my life and it pains me.
I thought I was done with her page until I came across a message from an old friend of hers and her sister, my aunt Stella. Her friend messaged to find out how she was and I was keen to see her reply so that I could somehow try to imagine what period of her life she was going through. Whether it was her birthday or during her stay in South Africa, I wanted to feel connected. I proceeded to open the comments and what I read pulled the last cord, I broke down hysterically, loudly, in pain, a painful cry that had my brother running to my room to find out what was happening.
The comment was not a reply from mother. It couldn’t have been,it was never going to be. The message was dated a day after she had passed and It was her sister In Law who replied to her friend to inform him of my mother’s demise the previous day.
I don’t know If I have ever cried for the same reasons I did that day or the way I did. In my tears, I had scrambled to find the funeral service program to go through her life story over and over again as I sat on my toilet seat. I had even walked to the mirror and stood there and questioned why she had to go, waiting for my reflection to give me an answer. I asked her why she had to leave. I asked my brother to stop feeling pity for me and let me cry in peace and he shouldn’t dare to wake my father up.
I cried painful hot tears that day. It had been a while since I last cried. It is easy to get caught up in this world and get so busy and her slowly becoming a distant memory was happening.I mean, thoughts of her would cross my mind every other day but they would only last for the moment and leave just as fast as they came.
I question so much when it comes to her death and I am now fearful that I will never let go. It is never going to pass is it?
I am even more scared of the possibility of advancing to the next world and not remembering she was ever mine to call Mum. I am scared to think that as an Angel in Heaven she might not know who we are even though she feels this strong urge to protect us and be there to watch over us, but then again I believe that she knows exactly who we are.
My aunt had written on her timeline recently to say she missed her and that she should rest in peace. I wished I could do the same, but we were not friends. 🙁
Rest in Peace mother of mine,
gone but not forgotten, at least not by me.
I love you always.