Another December

How time flies.

In a few days, we will be having her memorial service.

A full year has gone by…another one.

Yet another year that we wish would have been spent in her presence.

Another year of hows and what ifs. A year of tears and laughter. Another year of sadness and happiness. All the motions that we only wish we would have gone through with her by our side.

I have not cried in a while. I forced myself to forget but also, apparently, it does get better in time.

_dsc4991   I have found myself able to exist without the weight of her passing on my shoulders. I have learned to embrace the ” You look like your mother ” comments and take them without tears welling up in my eyes. In fact, a few weeks ago at the office, we had a visitor in to see our finance head and when I bumped into her at the reception she couldn’t stop staring. She looked familiar, but I had no idea where from.  The urge to engage her in conversation was at its peak and I simply blurted out , ” I think you know my mum, you look very familiar.”

Her : ” Your mum,…”

Me: ” Yes, the late Ir…”

Her: ” Oh my , my good friend Irene. I knew there was something about you.”

This was followed by an endless tight embrace , I thought she might choke me. She hugged me as if she was hugging her friend again. She hugged me so tight she almost squeezed the tears out of me , but turns out that I did not shed.

Maybe because I didn’t want those around me to know my life story. I haven’t really spoken about my mother at my new place.(Not like I did at my old place either) I am not sure that I am going to, at least not to talk about her absence. The point is , I survived the comment. I did not cry my eyes out. My heart was lighter. I was at peace.

The subject on my mother is still painful and heavy and heartbreaking, but only from a distance. Only when I force myself to concentrate on her absence does it break me. Unlike before, I am now able to tuck away those emotions . I am able to keep them safely away  in another part of my being so that I may continue to live, to live for HIM, to live for her but also importantly to live for me.

It is what she would have wanted.

I do wish I could come home to her on payday and announce that I am taking her out on a treat but I guess announcing the same to my sister is just as well.

I miss my mother everyday but I accept that she is in a better place.

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I live my life whole and complete so that I have a book and more to fill when I have to update her with the “Since you’ve been gone . ” Not because she doesn’t already know ( I believe she stays watching) but because I want to see the look on her face. The look of pride because I know she would be proud.

I haven’t cried for her in months but December is here and I feel like I deserve a good cry.

I want to cry.

I want to go through old pictures, her funeral program, her Facebook page and her LinkedIn too.

I want to google her on the internet.

I want to have a good cry, a cry because I miss her but a cry because I celebrate the life she lived.

I want to have a good cry because I have not accessed the pocket owed to her memory.

I want to cry because everyone deserves cleansing of the eyes and the soul every once in a while and rather than tear because of heartbreak, why not let the floodgates open in the memory of a beautiful soul?

Besides, I need to cry before the 25th gets here because just as there is a time to cry, so is there the time to be happy and make merry and you all know me, there is nothing that I wear better than happiness that comes with a killer smile. ( Yes, a little vanity never hurt anybody )

I pray that the memory of your loved ones no longer holds you down but that you live in hope for the day that you will see them again. 

They served their time, it is now your turn.

The thought of not just one, but two guardain angels is more than enough to anchor you and keep you going.

You were made for greatness and not even death can take that away from you.

So while you may feel defeated, take comfort in knowing that THERE is the ultimate destination and they only got there because they fulfilled their purpose HERE , they are definitely in a BETTER place.

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Cheers to you mother, 

Love and Love 

B,

xx

Comments

comments

4 Comments

  • 1 year ago

    This is beautiful

    • Barbara
      1 year ago

      Thank you Tessy 🙂

  • Joy Melanie
    1 year ago

    Barbie this is beautiful as always.

    • Barbara
      1 year ago

      Awww thank you beautiful 🙂 xx

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