I can’t seem to quell the feeling.
The missing, the longing, the wishing…
Each time I do a post like this, I seem to always have some sort of secret hope that it will be the last time that I have to write about how much I miss my mother. That at some point or another I will become attuned to the reality, the one without her in the picture. However, this just does not seem to be happening.
It doesn’t get better, it is even worse when you’re in a distant land and alone.
My dreams are back, the one’s of her. She is always so present until I wake up and then she is not.
I miss my mum.
I long for the times and the memories we will never share. I constantly think about how, in another reality, I would be ringing her weekly, maybe daily, to tell her about my time here.
A quick phone call on my way to school probably explaining how full the tube was and hence the source of my coming cold because you know, contagious diseases, enclosed stuffy spaces, zero degree weather.
Another phone call, on a Sunday afternoon after church, window shopping on Oxford Street, “ What would you like me to get you? My gift to you,” I would say and she, “ Have you seen any nice culottes?” She loved culottes, even before they were thing. She had this green pair, I think its still in her wardrobe. I always thought they were a weird piece of clothing…until now 🙂
I really do miss her.
You know, I don’t know how people do it. Deal with loss. What I am coming to understand though, is that there is probably no dealing. There is never going to be that moment where there is no longer a longing for them. There will be no quelling.
I think… I think its time to embrace it. I think its time that I know that on some days, past memories will leave me with a warmth in my heart, grateful for the times shared and that on others the same memories will make me cry myself to sleep.
That the things of now that I wish we could experience together will never come to be and those will make me cry harder.
…but because of this I know to value my relationships. To put in time and effort in spending and creating memories with my loved ones. To live in every moment and be present. To be conscious of my words and actions and how they make them feel.
To take pictures, so many pictures.
You’ll need them when they are gone. It’s one of the things she would do that would get irritating and embarrassing at times because she would take SO MANY, but I’m really glad she did.
I guess my point here, as is always when I talk about my mother, to enjoy, to build and to nurture your relationships with your parents and your loved ones. To be FULLY immersed in them.
It’s a different world when they are not there, I can tell you that.
I haven’t written in ages but being in my feelings has brought me back here. The one place that I can let it all out. Keeping it in my mind just keeps me awake at night thinking about the what if’s.
There’s not really a lesson here today…
but just one thing before you go…
remember to tell your parents you love them and give your mum a hug.
That will be all.
With so much love,