Category

Cancer

How time flies.

In a few days, we will be having her memorial service.

A full year has gone by…another one.

Yet another year that we wish would have been spent in her presence.

Another year of hows and what ifs. A year of tears and laughter. Another year of sadness and happiness. All the motions that we only wish we would have gone through with her by our side.

I have not cried in a while. I forced myself to forget but also, apparently, it does get better in time.

“They say time’s supposed to heal you, but I ain done much healing”

I have probably spent close to three hours looking for pictures of  you. Going through everything I had in my archives made me realize that behind the camera is where you liked to be! You wanted to be the one to capture the moments and keep them close! But then again the “selfie” wasn’t as big in your time….lol

I found pictures though, turns out other people liked you in front of the camera and giiiiiiiiiiiirl I know why! You stunning pretty little miss thang! 🙂

Today was hard mum, i never thought it would be, but there’s something about having you as my first thought when I wake up and you remaining just that, a thought! There’s no option to call or text, there’s no planning of dates because I miss you, nothing….just a Hello from the other side 🙁

I’m sorry my “hello” came with tears but when it comes to you my tears run through uncontrollably,especially when we are out here  talking about how ” It’s been two years since…” An uncontrollable faucet…

I was absolutely unproductive today! I did nothing but stare at your pictures . Ocassionally I got distracted with the internet and its wonders but then my thoughts were quickly re-directed to you.

“Are you okay?” That had to be the hardest question I had to answer all day. How do I say yes when I mean no because im busy trying to avoid a pity party, and at the same time push back the tears at the brim of my eyelids just waiting for that trigger emotion?

It was hard, but easier than it was two years ago when I got the horrible news. Definitely easier than when I saw you wrapped up in that white linen. Much easier mum,than when I had to pay you tribute and the words were being blocked by hot tears and i really had to force myself to pull it together.Easier than when I had to let you go six feet under, alone. Much easier mum, but hard all the same.

I don’t know why you can’t be here today, I don’t know why you have to miss all my big moments, I don’t know why I don’t have the chance to tell current stories and have an ” In fact my mum said….” or “My mum was asking…”

Let me not be selfish though, I am glad PAIN is not a word in your vocabulary! That Joy, laughter and sunshine are the order of your days. I am glad that you are well. I believe that you are well.

This was me just checking in, a hello from the other side on your anniversary!

Stay well pretty,

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I LOVE YOU.

B

XX

Disclaimer : I wrote this post 3 months ago and I just stumbled upon it as I was going through my archives. Many times I pen type my thoughts and emotions etc but I rarely get to publish. For one reason or another the posts are not publish worthy and I save them in my archives and keep it moving. This one in particular did not make it because I felt that I would truly be judged and taken for a weirdo. I read it again though today and with the mood im in im thinking…..Who gives a hoot, it is my blog and my writing and my experiences, so if you think I’m crazy, that’s on you right? ( Lol, you should see me trying to master up the courage to hit publish, HERE GOES NOTHING! )

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Hey, am I weird? Is it weird?Is it weird that I remember? That I always Remember? I heard if you remember it should essentially mean that you are dead, or not of this earth no more. Is this true?

Is it weird that I remember my dreams vividly? That I remember every single emotion I felt in the dream. If there was pain I remember the feeling and sometimes when I think about it, I feel like the pain is still there. My friend told me it is a weird thing that happens when people remember their dreams.

However, I recently picked out a pattern though. More often than not , the dreams I remember revolve around her. The dreams I remember always feature her as the guest star. The dreams though…

The dreams are usually weird, some of them scare me to the bone such that If I happen to wake from them in the middle of the night, I cannot seem to go back to sleep.

Now see I don’t know why I am having these dreams when I asked her politely to not show up in my dreams. Mainly because I don’t have the bone for it, but apparently I do. I am actually not scared when I meet her in the dream but the events around the dream are usually terrifying!

Many a times, her purpose in the dream is to tell me what to do. To go left or right, to believe them or not, to jump or not, this way or that way……I feel like you get the flow yes?

Usually the dreams are very specific and I remember all the characters but I feel the need to keep identities a secret. This is because these are just dreams right? Plus there is a high chance that my mind is messing with me ALSO I am not superstitious, Its just that YOOOOO….this shit is too weird.

In the most recent dream, I am casually walking and I notice a small, Like tiny, no no like Super minute wrigly worm, sort of creature, crawling past and I freak the **** out! If you know me, you know that anything that crawls or flies and is of insect nature scares me to death. So obviously ,I scream like a little Kid and ask X to kick it out. X  however decides to grab the creature….

(I hope we get by now that X is a character in this dream off mine)

THEN

Out of nowhere, in less than a minute  the ” creature” turns into a full grown snake and it starts to chase ME! Me! WHY ME?

I do all sorts of gymnastics going over and under tables and chairs, gliding through staircases….I even managed to fit through grilled windows and scaled the walls of the building to a different room which I then got into and continued with my get away. Sweating, Panting, Confused, almost giving up , ready for this thing to devour me….I couldn’t do it anymore.

And then, just on my way out the door of a room, I meet her there and I ask her If I could trust X with getting rid of the snake and she says yes. I am not convinced though and I tell her the snake is all Xs fault anyway and that A looks too suspect.

My mother gives me a thumbs up and tells me to trust X. At this point I am so greatful, I don’t know why but I am and I run up to her  and give her the biggest hug. In this scene she is standing at our corridor where her picture was put out for all to see when she passed. She looks exhausted and almost like she has been standing at the same spot the whole time. I ask her to take a seat and she insists on standing. She says that she always has to keep a look out for us…..

AND THEN I WOKE UP!

With a start! I literally jolted upright in my bed like I had just been shocked back to life. You know how it happens in the ER? But like the ER in cartoons where the characters come back to life instantly? Exactly like that!

Now, I dont know about you but I felt that, that was too weird a dream to let pass. It was scary enough that I coud remember exact details but the fact that it was the third or fourth of that nature I have had caused shivers down my spine.

( Can I just put it out there that I have NOT given you a complete summary of the whole ordeal, so you can imagine the REAL DREAM, like with all the details)

On a similar encounter before I talked to my dad about it and he asked me not to think much into it, but I am starting to get a little worried. Why do I remember all these dreams so vividly ? And why are they so weird?

I hope I did not lose like 1000 folllowers and All my friends because yall think I am psycho. I really am not. I honestly just had a bad dream and I told you about it. Bad? I don’t know, I mean I got to see her, but not the best dream either.

Its just a weird dream right? Or is it?

Weird right? Just for the record though, it has been a while since I had those dreams and I am convinced that my mother had not fully gone to rest. That she felt the need to stand by and watch over us. However, now, we are close to clocking two years since and I think she finally has. I really hope she has. 

Death is such a weird thing man!

Anyway,

Love and Love

B

xx

Hi Mum…

I still can’t believe you’re gone. It’s going to be two years soon and to me it feels like yesterday. Your absence is still strongly felt and it all just seems so unreal.

I find myself wondering how people who have lost their parents for a longer period have survived.

In the past two months alone I have met a good number of people who seem to have the same story ” I lost my mum when I was…” “My dad passed away last year..” “I lost both my parents at… ” What is common with all of them, however, is that you would never tell that they carry such burdens!

When these things happen you always think you’re the only one hurting in this way even when you know for certain you aren’t the only one. I get inspired by these type of people everyday and I know that I will be just fine without you.

Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you though.

As a matter of fact,I miss you so much I have started seeing you around of late.

I see you in different people. Random People. People I know. Anyone and Everyone really.

Its not once that a woman has walked in my field of vision and I have thought “Mum” …sometimes I have had to hold myself back from actually saying it aloud.

They stand in a certain angle and you flash right infront of my eyes but just as fast , you’re gone! They laugh and you are right there but not for too long.

I see you in mothers who go shopping with their daughters hand in hand like bestfriends and  think ” That could be us but the way Cancer is set up…..”

I see you in my sister! Her strong Character at such a young age, her commanding nature, and not in a bad way. The way she carries herself around.

I see you all the time mum and sometimes I wish I could freeze your Image just a bit longer! I wish I could rewind back time. I just wish, I wish…

I haven’t told you though how much grandma reminds me of you! My imagination has convinced me that if i was lucky enough to see you age you would look exactly like her! Identical! Her laughter reminds me of you and so does the curve of her front teeth, I have that too….your sisters say It makes me look a lot like you…actually they are already saying I look exactly like you!

It was concours the other day. Do you remember how excited you would get over it? Mainly because you would get to dress up? Ahhh good times….I wore all white like you did on your last ever concours event three years ago. I even wore your white hat. I know, I know, I copied your look. Guilty as charged! What can I say, you got  had style girl!                                          DSC_0169

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Anyway, I just thought I should say Hi, especially after a lady walked past me two days ago and I could have sworn it was you. How is it without the pain and the endless joy and happiness there? Are you okay? I hope you are.

Rest well and see you soon.

Love B.

p.s. Kisses for you IMAG0290

It had been a good day, the sun was out and Zucchini Ice-cream was a good plan. My friend Aggie and I went on and on about different topics as we enjoyed our ice-cream and stole a few snaps for the gram and Snapchat.

It seems that these days that is the validation that you’re living life,winning at life, it really isn’t though and if you feel like the number of likes you get or followers you have define you, then I suggest you check yourself! We are not of this earth and all these material things will matter not when we need to move on to the next realm.

So be wary.I have encountered enough people who think that if you didn’t put it up on Snapchat then you sure as hell must be lying OR it wasn’t as great as you said it was. Really though? Anyway, that is for another day. When used in moderation however, I see no problem. When it does not define you, then by all means go ahead, do you booboo 🙂

Anyway, after a good outing, a hot shower and dinner, I resorted to go to bed. It had been a long day and I had an even longer day coming and I needed to be well rested.

I was not able to knock out immediately and thus decided to scroll my social media pages for a while. I happened to have been filled with so much emotion that night and I kept thinking about all the losses I had in my life, it was mostly friends that my mind was on about but as sure as the setting of the sun, it did not leave my mother out of it. Trust my sneaky little brain.

I began to reminisce of the times we spent together and thereafter I lamented on those that we will never spend together. Since I was on social media, worldly thoughts came into play.

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I thought of how Instagram had barely hit it when she left and how we did not get the opportunity to take enough selfies. I thought of how I didn’t have Snapchat at the time and how I will never get the chance to take a video of her commenting on something,or driving me around, or even making fun of something that we came across. All worldly things of which the connection and relationships they build is what is of importance.

Facebook is usually the last stop and I decided to search for her account. I felt horrible that I had never added her and I was tempted to send a friend request along with a message on messenger to tell her how much I missed her.

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By this time enough tears had cascaded down my cheeks and what I was doing was crying silently. I did not want to wake anyone. I wanted to suffer, I wanted to feel pain, I wanted it to hurt when I couldn’t swallow and even more when I couldn’t breathe because of a blocked nose. What relief from pain did I deserve when she wasn’t even here? Emotional pain so that we are clear, that which you can almost feel in your heart.

I scrolled down her page and read everything she ever wrote or at least that which Facebook allowed me to view because I was not her friend 🙁 I saw messages to her cousins and friends from South Africa, I saw changes in her profile picture and even an update on her profile when she retired. I don’t know why but it broke me, I was now crying louder than before but trying to keep it down, my tears creating immense wetness on my pillow. Why did she have to go? Why couldn’t she just wait a bit longer? A few more years, Lies….MANY more years. She will not be here for the big moments in my life and it pains me.

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I thought I was done with her page until I came across a message from an old friend of hers and her sister, my aunt Stella. Her friend messaged to find out how she was and I was keen to see her reply so that I could somehow try to imagine what period of her life she was going through. Whether it was her birthday or during her stay in South Africa, I wanted to feel connected. I proceeded to open the comments and what I read pulled the last cord, I broke down hysterically, loudly, in pain, a painful cry that had my brother running to my room to find out what was happening.

The comment was not a reply from mother. It couldn’t have been,it was never going to be. The message was dated a day after she had passed and It was her sister In Law who replied to her friend to inform him of my mother’s demise the previous day.

I don’t know If I have ever cried for the same reasons I did that day or the way I did. In my tears, I had scrambled to find the funeral service program to go through her life story over and over again as I sat on my toilet seat. I had even walked to the mirror and stood there and questioned why she had to go, waiting for my reflection to give me an answer. I asked her why she had to leave. I asked my brother to stop feeling pity for me and let me cry in peace and he shouldn’t dare to wake my father up.

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I cried painful hot tears that day. It had been a while since I last cried. It is easy to get caught up in this world and get so busy and her slowly becoming a distant memory was happening.I mean, thoughts of her would cross my mind every other day but they would only last for the moment and leave just as fast as they came.

I question so much when it comes to her death and I am now fearful that I will never let go. It is never going to pass is it?

I am even more scared of the possibility of advancing to the next world and not remembering she was ever mine to call Mum. I am scared to think that as an Angel in Heaven she might not know who we are even though she feels this strong urge to protect us and be there to watch over us, but then again I believe that she knows exactly who we are.

My aunt had written on her timeline recently to say she missed her and that she should rest in peace. I wished I could do the same, but we were not friends. 🙁

Rest in Peace mother of mine,

gone but not forgotten, at least not by me.

I love you always.

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xx

So I wrote this post months ago when I first went through her funeral service book this year, however, I did not publish it because I was not too sure if it was true. If i really indeed felt like I was healing or at least on the road to healing, the closest road at that. 

Funny thing is, I am still not sure, I have a lot going on and I am very uncertain, however, I think it is best if I put up the post anyway. It just might be the first step to actual healing. Also i have been glancing at my stats page every now and then and I get disappointed at myself for not leaving you guys with any content and for that I apologize.

Anyway, onto it then.

I think I am healing.

I think I am here to tell you that I am healing.

I think that healing of the heart is possible.

You see I have her Funeral Service program in my room. We all do actually. In fact,I think we have one in every corner of the house. There was a point we were giving them out way after the funeral to whoever visited the house. Especially to those who did not attend the funeral or did not hear of the news until much later.

I was giving them out because I wanted everyone to know what a remarkable woman my mother was. I wanted them to all see the beauty she radiated because she was one stunning woman. I wanted to make sure my mother’s name would not be forgotten. I did not want to forget her and I did not want anybody else to either.

Anyway, so before, any time I would take the program into my hands in the past I would literally break down. I did not even have to flip too many pages to ignite the water works ( See what I did there?) they would just flow as if on cue.

This time however, the first time this year I was going through it, it was different. I cried…obviously, I’m just that emotional girl. But the tears were not painful tears. I did not end up having a headache the whole day after crying. There was no painful knot in my throat when the memories were flashing back. I had a good cry.

Maybe it is just this one time…maybe I was just at a different place this time and I was being positive. Maybe the next time I go through it, the painful knot will form again. However, at least this time it was not there.

Each day at a time. I have learned there is no other way to do this. In fact there is no other way to live life but each day at a time. Why am I talking like I have an option? It is not like we are given two days at a go. Each day. It is because I had not fully encompassed this phrase into my life before.

I have now. Living like there is no tomorrow. Letting tomorrow….if it does come…to deal with itself..tomorrow. But today..I shall deal with today because It is all I have. P.s. I shall deal with tomorrow too..If I have tomorrow…I just needed my sentence there to flow a little bit.lol

Anyway I hope those on my bandwagon are in this stage, the stage of feeling and realizing that you are possibly healing and then letting it happen. Not letting it go..I mean you can let it go..but is that a thing we want? To let it go? are we meant to?

Love and love

B.

xx

So before we go any further I have to apologize for my absence on here. I have been super busy. I know we all have…but I have not had a moment to catch my breath and hence the silence.

With the way things were going, it was bound to be longer, but trust cancer to give me a reason to be here. I am not sure I should even be thanking her for letting me write to you guys or not. I am so mad at her.

She just has no chills.

None.

She doesn’t understand that what she puts us through is not easy to get out of. That It takes a whole lot for us to go a day without shedding a tear. Without reliving memories that make it even harder. Without hearing their laughter across the hall and wishing they were still here.

Cancer, she has done it again. Not to me, but to someone very close to me. So close that when he broke the news to me, I felt like I was reliving my own experience with Cancer. My heart broke in two for him and my hate for cancer just doubled up a notch(Does this make sense?) and God knows how much that hate is.

She has taken his mother and I don’t know what to tell him. That it will get better? How,when I don’t even know what better is myself?Sorry? Because obviously that will bring her back? I know how you feel?And so what if I do? Chances are I do not, the situation is never the same. We are in this together? Who wants a welcome card to a motherless life? It happens to the best of us? Because if that is the case , then even I don’t want to be a part of “the best”. I am dumbfounded.

All I know is that I feel his pain in almost equal measure. The loss of a mother is not anything easy to deal with. Today, tomorrow, next year….I doubt it will ever be easy. When she leaves you know she has left.  I thought it was just me who felt my mother leave this realm, but he claims it too. It is real. And if the connection is that deep, you can now understand what pain it is when you know that she is no longer there.

I am broken. My heart has been shattered all over again. Cancer is on a mission and she is claiming our mothers and we cannot stop her.

She needs to be stopped. We need a cure. Stop her in her tracks and tell her no more. Is there a doctor out there?

I pass my sincere condolences to you my friend and  I pray that your mother’s soul rests in Eternal peace. I pray that you and your family my receive peace the surpasses all understanding to help you understand the will of God and accept it. That all the provisions you require during this time will be availed . That you see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point and try to stay positive. That the days following will get easier as each one passes by and the knowledge of your new angel in Heaven may keep you going.

I will always be here for you even when many get caught up with life and forget. I will always be here for you so that we can break down together and thereafter share a moment of prayer. I will be here when you need to cry . I will be here when you need to cry some more. I will still be here when you need me to listen to you. I will be here when you just want to sit in silence and want to think about her but you do not want to do it alone. I will be here when you are finally ready to start the healing process. I will definitely be here.

I love you always.