Category

Journey

So with Shonda playing with our emotions these past two weeks and my “holiday” or lack of it, giving me a complete headache, I had to take a trip down South. I had to take all my woes to the ocean…I had to let them go with the wind. I simply needed, to let my hair down and just exhale. Exhale all the exhaustion, stress, drama, work load, everything!

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So I wrote this post months ago when I first went through her funeral service book this year, however, I did not publish it because I was not too sure if it was true. If i really indeed felt like I was healing or at least on the road to healing, the closest road at that. 

Funny thing is, I am still not sure, I have a lot going on and I am very uncertain, however, I think it is best if I put up the post anyway. It just might be the first step to actual healing. Also i have been glancing at my stats page every now and then and I get disappointed at myself for not leaving you guys with any content and for that I apologize.

Anyway, onto it then.

I think I am healing.

I think I am here to tell you that I am healing.

I think that healing of the heart is possible.

You see I have her Funeral Service program in my room. We all do actually. In fact,I think we have one in every corner of the house. There was a point we were giving them out way after the funeral to whoever visited the house. Especially to those who did not attend the funeral or did not hear of the news until much later.

I was giving them out because I wanted everyone to know what a remarkable woman my mother was. I wanted them to all see the beauty she radiated because she was one stunning woman. I wanted to make sure my mother’s name would not be forgotten. I did not want to forget her and I did not want anybody else to either.

Anyway, so before, any time I would take the program into my hands in the past I would literally break down. I did not even have to flip too many pages to ignite the water works ( See what I did there?) they would just flow as if on cue.

This time however, the first time this year I was going through it, it was different. I cried…obviously, I’m just that emotional girl. But the tears were not painful tears. I did not end up having a headache the whole day after crying. There was no painful knot in my throat when the memories were flashing back. I had a good cry.

Maybe it is just this one time…maybe I was just at a different place this time and I was being positive. Maybe the next time I go through it, the painful knot will form again. However, at least this time it was not there.

Each day at a time. I have learned there is no other way to do this. In fact there is no other way to live life but each day at a time. Why am I talking like I have an option? It is not like we are given two days at a go. Each day. It is because I had not fully encompassed this phrase into my life before.

I have now. Living like there is no tomorrow. Letting tomorrow….if it does come…to deal with itself..tomorrow. But today..I shall deal with today because It is all I have. P.s. I shall deal with tomorrow too..If I have tomorrow…I just needed my sentence there to flow a little bit.lol

Anyway I hope those on my bandwagon are in this stage, the stage of feeling and realizing that you are possibly healing and then letting it happen. Not letting it go..I mean you can let it go..but is that a thing we want? To let it go? are we meant to?

Love and love

B.

xx

Its already well into the month. Okay maybe not so much into it, but with the way time is flying it might as well be the 25th of March tomorrow.

The past few months have been hectic, emotional and even draining as it were. I will have attended two funerals by Friday and the nervous break down I had the other day is just an added bonus . I was in a funk for about a week too, it has just been too much. My previous post just reeks of all that “low vibe”.

I am constantly in panic mode about everything. The future mostly, it is seriously starting to bug me about how uncertain it is. Which is so dumb because , uuum, it IS the future, we are not meant to know about it now.

We are always told to focus on the present, to live for today and make the most of TODAY but, is it wrong to feel horrible  that you don’t know what tomorrow holds? To let it drive you to such a state?

I guess I have learned that I am the type of person that likes to have everything work out in a certain way and I like to be in control. Because obviously, not being in control drives me insane at times.

Do you feel this way sometimes? Or am I just talking nonsense? Nothing you have ever experienced?

If you have though, this is just to tell you that it is not just you. Also, we are never EVER going to be in control of the future. We might try to make way for things to work in a specific way and prepare for the future, but we will never be able to be in control.  So Cliche…I’m sure you have heard this from so many different people…but I guess then this is a message to self?  You can stop reading now to be honest, I am not saying anything new.

You are still reading? I really hoped you would be. You know…read on and see what this girl is talking about?Thank you.

So  anyway for more of my cliches.

Live. Live for today. For the Present. Funny that I am telling you this and yet I barely adhere to those words. But that was yesterday and the weeks that have passed,,, Today came about though and I promised to heed those words. I was filled with a whole new energy.

I am ready to be content with not knowing the future and the things that I cannot control and making the most out of what I have.

I’m finally out of the funk that I have been in…which is great news. Anyone I talked to lately knows I was at a serious low. I sort of know now, why I was in that state. Why i was somewhat depressed. ( Keyword SOMEWHAT, I am not depressed. Too blessed to be depressed bruh 🙂 ) It is time to start making changes because that is not a state that I want to be in anymore.

p.s. Yesterday’s post was written early last week, just in case you are wondering how quick I went in and out of that “Funk” Lol

Otherwise….Wishing you beautiful souls a Happy New Month. May you make the most out of today and all the very best with tomorrow.

Love and Love,

B.