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lifelessons

August, August……AUGUST! Can you believe it? January was a few hours ago! Evidently, its that time of the month when we need to evaluate ourselves! Take a read and have a lovely day and month!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Making: Mental notes to avoid negative people at all costs.

Cooking:ย  Eating: A lot of greens lately. Cooked, Raw, all of them. My name is Barbara and I embrace the rabbit life! ๐Ÿ™‚

Drinking: A lot of water and Raspberry Tea! Tea after dinner always makes me sleep so much better.

Reading: The last Juror, yes Im still on the same book. No, I am not proud. Yes I am that busy. #sigh

Growing: wiser by the day! Thankful!

thankful

Hoping: to write more often. I really get disappointed in myself when I don’t post anything for ages. I hope I can post more frequently than I have. I must have preempted myself too muchย here.

Wanting: I desperately want a new phone! I cannot deal with how much hanging my current device takes me through. Let me not get started on the number of cracks I have to peer through to view content on my phone! ๐Ÿ™

Playing: JESSIE WARE. still on that. Im that girl whowill play songs over and over again until I get sick of them. lol

Wasting: no time on people who do not grow,inspire or motivate me. Bye FELICIA ๐Ÿ™‚

Trying: to understand how it is that someone can take time off their day to send hate mail. Do you not value your time? Can you guys tell that ย I am obviously upset at the smallness of some people? Ugh.

Wishing: I knew the things I know now, then! My troubles would have been split in half. However, the lessons learnt are nothing I take for granted. Experience is indeed the best teacher.

Enjoying: showing my hair some good loving! I recenty got hair products from the US delivered and I guess thats what I needed to re spark my relationship with my hair. I can’t get enough of mycurls! Yes I am one of those “Naturals” ! ๐Ÿ™‚

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Rembering: to thank GOD every day!

Liking: How much belief and visions for growth my new boss has in me. I am humbled and ready to hit the floor running ๐Ÿ™‚ also…how cool is it that I can have two bosses at the same time? So blessed!

Wondering: whether I sound like a broken record always talking about positivity and growth and decreasing my circle. Apologies if I do though, I just need to remind the future me what things are important if I ever veer off track.

Loving: My new job!I am so excited for what the future holds.

Realising: that feeling the pain and using it to better yourself for the next phase gets you over anything, FAST! It constantly reminds you why you can’t go back to where you were before because the pain embodied in that space is nothing you want to feel anymore. What is sweeter than certainty that falling back to your old ways WILL NOT happen?

tough

Marveling: at the power of energies and attractions.

Needing: strength to hold my tongue when some people act like they have their brains on backwards.

Smelling: of Yummy, fruity and fresh scents from Bath and Body works, H&M and Body shop! Just in case you think I drench myself in all of them at the same time, I don’t! lol

Wearing: Planning to wear: Mum jeans and dangarees a lot more often, I have fallen in love with how cute I look in them. Lol. Vanity on 100!

Following:This blogย by Naisola Lenana! If you want to get the low down on Nairobi’s hidden trasures, you know where you should be clicking! Coffee dates and lunch plans have never seemed more appealing.

Noticing: THAT paying no mind to people who are constantly looking to bring you down is so damn healthy! Yall should see me, I have gained a Kg or THREE! #STRESSFREE #happy #blessed

Knowing: that God always comes through! I have testimonies from here to the ends of the world!!

Thinking: that never in a million years did I think that by halfway through this year so many things in my life would have changed. Not that I am dissappointed, not at all, just that life has a funny way of playing things out.

Feeling: EXCITED! I started working at a new organization and I am so pumped!! New environment, new people, new memories,new stories,enhanced skill sets…why wouldn’t I be pumped. Plus its the second job I have nailed all by myself. Can you tell that I am feeling so boss? lol. Also……IM WAAAY UP, I FEEL BLESSED! ๐Ÿ™‚

Bookmarking: The thought Catalog. I love the pieces they always have.

Opening: A new chapter in my life! So excited!

Thanking: Everyone who has been a part of my journey and continues to be. Those who reach out and always have sound advice to give. Those who share experiences they had with mum that makes her memory live on. Those who offer nothing but presence and a listening ear. Those whose hearts and minds are so pure that they inspire me every day. Those whose wretchedness cause me to strive for better and even those whose hurtful words remind me never to speak ill to another person! You all are the best!

HAPPY NEW MONTH once again , hoping that your journey will be exciting, growing, inspiring, succesful and enrinching!! May God bless you !!

B

xx

It had been a good day, the sun was out and Zucchini Ice-cream was a good plan. My friend Aggie and I went on and on about different topics as we enjoyed our ice-cream and stole a few snaps for the gram and Snapchat.

It seems that these days that is the validation that you’re living life,winning at life, it really isn’t though and if you feel like the number of likes you get or followers you have define you, then I suggest you check yourself! We are not of this earth and all these material things will matter not when we need to move on to the next realm.

So be wary.I have encountered enough people who think that if you didn’t put it up on Snapchat then you sure as hell must be lying OR it wasn’t as great as you said it was. Really though? Anyway, that is for another day. When used in moderation however, I see no problem. When it does not define you, then by all means go ahead, do you booboo ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway, after a good outing, a hot shower and dinner, I resorted to go to bed. It had been a long day and I had an even longer day coming and I needed to be well rested.

I was not able to knock out immediately and thus decided to scroll my social media pages for a while. I happened to have been filled with so much emotion that night and I kept thinking about all the losses I had in my life, it was mostly friends that my mind was on about but as sure as the setting of the sun, it did not leave my mother out of it. Trust my sneaky little brain.

I began to reminisce of the times we spent together and thereafter I lamented on those that we will never spend together. Since I was on social media, worldly thoughts came into play.

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I thought of how Instagram had barely hit it when she left and how we did not get the opportunity to take enough selfies. I thought of how I didn’t have Snapchat at the time and how I will never get the chance to take a video of her commenting on something,or driving me around, or even making fun of something that we came across. All worldly things of which the connection and relationships they build is what is of importance.

Facebook is usually the last stop and I decided to search for her account. I felt horrible that I had never added her and I was tempted to send a friend request along with a message on messenger to tell her how much I missed her.

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By this time enough tears had cascaded down my cheeks and what I was doing was crying silently. I did not want to wake anyone. I wanted to suffer, I wanted to feel pain, I wanted it to hurt when I couldn’t swallow and even more when I couldn’t breathe because of a blocked nose. What relief from pain did I deserve when she wasn’t even here? Emotional pain so that we are clear, that which you can almost feel in your heart.

I scrolled down her page and read everything she ever wrote or at least that which Facebook allowed me to view because I was not her friend ๐Ÿ™ I saw messages to her cousins and friends from South Africa, I saw changes in her profile picture and even an update on her profile when she retired. I don’t know why but it broke me, I was now crying louder than before but trying to keep it down, my tears creating immense wetness on my pillow. Why did she have to go? Why couldn’t she just wait a bit longer? A few more years, Lies….MANY more years. She will not be here for the big moments in my life and it pains me.

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I thought I was done with her page until I came across a message from an old friend of hers and her sister, my aunt Stella. Her friend messaged to find out how she was and I was keen to see her reply so that I could somehow try to imagine what period of her life she was going through. Whether it was her birthday or during her stay in South Africa, I wanted to feel connected. I proceeded to open the comments and what I read pulled the last cord, I broke down hysterically, loudly, in pain, a painful cry that had my brother running to my room to find out what was happening.

The comment was not a reply from mother. It couldn’t have been,it was never going to be. The message was dated a day after she had passed and It was her sister In Law who replied to her friend to inform him of my mother’s demise the previous day.

I don’t know If I have ever cried for the same reasons I did that day or the way I did. In my tears, I had scrambled to find the funeral service program to go through her life story over and over again as I sat on my toilet seat. I had even walked to the mirror and stood there and questioned why she had to go, waiting for my reflection to give me an answer. I asked her why she had to leave. I asked my brother to stop feeling pity for me and let me cry in peace and he shouldn’t dare to wake my father up.

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I cried painful hot tears that day. It had been a while since I last cried. It is easy to get caught up in this world and get so busy and her slowly becoming a distant memory was happening.I mean, thoughts of her would cross my mind every other day but they would only last for the moment and leave just as fast as they came.

I question so much when it comes to her death and I am now fearful that I will never let go. It is never going to pass is it?

I am even more scared of the possibility of advancing to the next world and not remembering she was ever mine to call Mum. I am scared to think that as an Angel in Heaven she might not know who we are even though she feels this strong urge to protect us and be there to watch over us, but then again I believe that she knows exactly who we are.

My aunt had written on her timeline recently to say she missed her and that she should rest in peace. I wished I could do the same, but we were not friends. ๐Ÿ™

Rest in Peace mother of mine,

gone but not forgotten, at least not by me.

I love you always.

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xx

Hey!

It has been quite the while since I last wrote. I hope you haven’t longed for me too much.Take a read ๐Ÿ™‚

Making: Plans to go get my hair and nails did! Yeah I just went all black on you there. Is it a black thing though?To say “did” instead of “done”?By black I mean black American. Is it? All I know is that it’s cool to type like that these days, innit? Lol

Cooking: SMH at myself for the last time I was in the kitchen. It is embarrassing really.

Drinking: A lot of water and Green Tea. #Fitfam lol

Reading: A note of sorts, a letter somehow, a message for all, by Elizabeth Gilbert on my friend Aggie’s Wall and i CANNOT tell you how much it speaks to me at this particular moment. You know those type of writings that even have you scolding yourself? It is so powerful! Some of the lines she shares:

Generally speaking, people are pretty much what they show you they are โ€” not what you wish they were.

People who behave cruelly toward you are more or less cruel people.

People who behave nicely toward you are generally nice people. (Unless they are full-on sociopaths, of course, which most people are not.)

You can almost always count on that.

That being the case, I think you’re allowed to choose what sort of people with whom you wish to spend the precious waking hours of your one rare and beautiful life.

NOTE: ONE AND RARE…that is your life. Choose wisely.

Wanting: A clean slate, start over, take two, however you may want to call it. I just feel like I need to start a fresh with many things. #Julygoals

Playing: Snapchat videos everytime! It is an addiction. #themrsherself. So Can you believe a friend though that it read “The Mr She self” how now? Where did the R go? Lol I know its a weird name but still,lol.

Wasting: No time getting on my knees to say thank you to HIM. He works in wonderful and mighty ways. May His Name be praised always!

Wishing: I had enough money to indulge in all my cravings and to satisfy all my wants. Yes WANTS, like that whole array of hair products I want to buy, and that water bottle, as well as a few new items in my closet, and……the list is endless. sigh ๐Ÿ™

Enjoying: Spending my own money.(I know it contradicts the above statement, but I meant spending like….ahh read on) Not being dependent is so empowering and fulfilling ๐Ÿ™‚ Speaking of…payday should be here, like yesterday. #cantwait

Liking: The results of positive energy. You know you have something going when all of a sudden you’re attracting a lot more like minded people your way. Those you would least expect.

Wondering: Why Some drivers on the roads can be such idiots! Just got home after battling it out with matatu and bus drivers who insist and squeezing you out of your lane just so that they can go cause more traffic ahead! However, they had not met a crazy woman with road rage like me . #sigh #nairobitrafficisdeath

Loving: The power of prayer, feeling of inner peace and happiness, surrounding of good friends and the warmness of good souls. Bless your hearts!

Marveling: At how individuals I haven’t spoken to in years have gravitated back into my life. What did I do guys? Lol ๐Ÿ™‚ But welcome back! ๐Ÿ™‚

Needing: A new water bottle. It is the last Item of motivation I need to work out after my newly acquired Yoga mat! I think I am finally going to be serious about this whole #fitfam life.lol

Smelling: of the Sensual Amber fragrance mist from Bath and Body works. Thanks El Jefe.

Wearing: A jumper. It gets so cold at night and living in close proximity to Limuru doesn’t help. Okay maybe not that close,but you get the picture.

Following: Blackish. I love how it depicts today’s generation. So real! Plus its a good laugh. Win.

Noticing: That I have been a lot happier this month, I guess it’s that 22 vibe ,no?

Knowing: That forgiveness is the only way to move past anything. You need to forgive yourself, the other party and the then get to stepping on with your life. No time to waste harboring dark feelings. It is time ย to be strong and just forgive.

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Thinking: That I have a lot to forgive myself for and that forgiving others will be so hard. I recently discovered that a great weakness of mine is that I hold grudges, I literally never forget if you wrong me. So wow, this is going to be a challenge,but I am ready, the weight of all those grudges is causing the numbers on the scale to go up. Smh, dry joke, I know, stop eyeballing me! :p

Feeling: Confused. You know that moment when you feel like your prayers have been answered but you’re not so sure because it could also be that they were supposedly “answered” so as to teach you a lesson? Dive in or nah?

Also feeling so Nostalgic for Sweden, I almost cried the other day when I saw a picture of my residence there.hmm ๐Ÿ™

Bookmarking: All scholarship pages I come across, the process has began.

Opening: Elizabeth Gilbert’s page, time to soak in all those beautiful words.Find her facebook pageย Hereย ๐Ÿ™‚

Giggling: At a picture on Instagram of a boda boda accident, I wish I could leave it on here. You would understand my giggles. Yes I am just confirming with that statement that I am not evil, I mean why would I laugh at people who had an accident? Like seriously?

I hope you all had an amazing month and that July is even brighter in all areas of your life. Remember each day is a stepping stone to a greater tomorrow, make the best of each and every one this month! Good luck and God bless you.

hello july

Happy New Month

Love and Love

B.

xx

They say a lie is a false statement made with all intention for it to be False.

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When we lie, we mean to lie. We have logically prepared our minds and convinced ourselves that the words that come forth from our mouths will be untrue; False!

We lie for various reasons, none that justify the deceit that is brought upon by the lies but reasons all the same. Reasons that make us feel somewhat better for the action we took by choosing to tell the lie. Reasons that make absolute sense in our heads we could almost convince others that the Lie will set you free!

However, that is just it. It does not set you free. Far from it. It plunges you deep into a hole that is so difficult to climb out of ,you almost question your very intelligence. Because with an IQ like yours, surely you would have known that no lie did ever set any man free. You should know nothing is for free, not even lies! You have to pay for those too.

You see the thing with a lie is that it prompts you to keep lying to be able to cover the previous lie and within no time it becomes a vicious cycle. I am convinced that lying is a disease of the mind that consumes you. (See what I did there? no?hmmph)

Consume?Absolutely! You see now, you have to keep lying to hold down the lie and then there after, you better goddam remember every lie you told to cover the lie,lest you get caught lying about the lie. How exhausting though and if you’re like me with a goldfish memory then you are bound to get caught because eventually you forget. That means if you’re like me, you usually avoid telling lies because it is inevitable that you will get caught faster than the thief who has 40 days.

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Now I can see all of you judging and wondering what type of vicious lie I told to prompt this post. WELL…stop JUDGING! While I did not exactly lie..I did not tell the truth and even withheld information but when you’re flat out called dishonest you need to sit down and CHECK yourself.

Everyday I learn something about myself that leads to growth and when I sat down and thought about the said situation it did turn out that the word ” LIAR” would be a perfect description of what I was being at that moment.

You see never once did I think that I was lying when it came to this particular situation. I mean I just did not tell the whole story and when questioned on a particular point, I well..lied. But you see I didn’t lie first…I just did not say anything. Hmmph, see how I convinced myself?In my opinion I was not giving complete information so as to protect the person. I however learned that there was no one I was protecting but myself. My reason to justify my lie just went out the window and realization struck!

How selfish was I being? How much more trouble was I causing and how silly was I being giving this person a chance to lose any trust they had in me. I lied with no intention of hurting the person but the repercussions went far beyond hurting the person.In fact “hurt” was the least of their worries.

I have learned my truth lesson the hard way. It is better you tell the truth even when you think that the truth will have a bad outcome rather than tell a lie that will haunt you forever because even I don’t know how to recover from this dishonesty. Sorry will not do and there’s no taking back the moment. I don’t have the opportunity to say Yes when I already said No, when Yes is what I so badly want to say now.

I am so embarrassed I would have the ground swallow me whole. I have no idea how to approach this person again because I feel like such a fool and trust me “fool” is not a category that has been ย factored in my five year plan of growth and success.

You can be sure the next time I try to “protect” someone from the truth will be NEVER! Il tell it like it is even if it means falling out with someone. I would rather this consequence any day than the disease of constant lying that is a losing battle for people with goldfish memory. Why even try?

What is it with me and always writing about cliche life lessons? You’ve probably heard this one before except it was titled The Truth Shall set you Free, right? And indeed it shall !

Here is to truth saying, Always! No matter the cost or consequence. Call me out if I ever falter because I cannot put up another post like this, shaming your own self is hard man.

Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor! My end destination is heaven so for sure, CAll me OUT!

love and love

B.

XX

The end of yet another month. It is here. Already! Literally two more days and June is like “Hello guys, are you ready?” Everyone will be like “New month, New beginnings.” There is something about the start of a new month that gives us fire, hope, new Energy. We pick ourselves up if we had fallen the previous month and promise to walk better than we ever had. We make promises to ourselves to be greater versions of us. We make new goals and strive to achieve them. We vouch to do everything in our power so that the new month may be full of success. I find it all very exciting!

The opportunity to have a fresh start or reevaluation of our goals and setting up of new strategies to meet them is motivating. Soon it will be the end of the year and we will want to look back and document all our achievements.

I think a “taking stock” post is very much appropriate to enable us to get back on track but also to show us how far we have come and where we are going. I couldn’t think of a better time to do this Month’s post than at the end of the month.

(P.s. some of the questions do not essentially align to this whole goal and reformation thing, but it is a fun exercise any way ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Wishing you all a beautiful June, May (Pun intended) you make the best out of it. Happy Reading my love bugs!! xx

Making :

Cooking: I haven’t been in the Kitchen in quite a while but hopefully this will improve next month. I need to improve those skills, boyfriends need to be acquired and kept. Lol

Drinking: A lot of water ! I literally say no to soda these days!

Reading: The Last Juror by John Grisham. I am reading it quite slowly with everything going on but I hope to finish it soon. BTW the promise to read the devil wears Prada, the Swedish version is still on, I just need more time !

Playing: 22- Taylor Swift ๐Ÿ˜€

Wasting: No Time.

Wishing: I could could sleep for 24 hours straight just to re energize. I am so busy of late, I barely get enough sleep and even when I do sleep, my mind is still very much awake causing a lot of fatigue the next day ๐Ÿ™

Enjoying: My own company. I have not spent a lot of time alone in the past but lately I love being in my own space,just me, myself and I.

Liking: My look this month. It is amazing how outward appearance can literally change the vibes around you and bring your way new energy, motivation and power.

Wondering: What I want to study for my masters. I am almost done with my undergrad and I am looking for scholarships but I literally have no idea about exactly what I want to do.

Marveling: At how life turns everything upside down when you think you have it completely handled just to remind you to stay GROUNDED!

Needing: All of you to know that I wish you a beautiful day ahead!! :*

Smelling: I actually need to slap on some perfume and get out of the house!

Wearing: A crop TOP! Lol….I feel like I am being all Kinds of daring in this Nairobi. But who cares……22!

Noticing: That I am gonna be HELLA late if I don’t leave for work in the next two minutes.

Knowing: That it is better to always be the bigger person, because the minute the other person mans up, you feel completely silly for “acting up” and you damn right better feel silly because you honey, should have been the bigger person!!

Thinking:I am so OLD!

Feeling: TWEENNNY TWO!22

Bookmarking: The Royals! Thanks Joy.

Opening:My lock screen every few seconds, The love is mad real! Thank You ๐Ÿ™‚

Bonus Lesson: I think these past few months what I truly learned is that you need to believe people when they tell you things. Some things may be said off the bat, jokingly or even murmured under one’s breathe, but if you got the chance to hear it, heed it! Many times we brush off what people say to us especially when they are negative things because we claim we know the person and they would never say such things but Honey they just did! And they MEAN IT!

The situation may be fixed temporarily and they themselves may even say that they did not mean it, but the things that flow out of people’s mouths freely, in terms of opinions,feelings and the likes are rarely ever false. Pay attention to these things they might save you quite a bit if you ask me.

This post felt nothing like ” Life Goals” , ”Progress” etc…but oh well, I really have to run!

Take Care

Love and Love

B.

xx

22

You can no longer stand conversations with people who seem to have their brain on backwards. Conversations about the rave that was two weeks ago make you yawn worse than a hunger yawn. You are instantly disinterested the minute the conversation does not spark mental activity in your brain.

You discover the word sapiosexual and you cannot understand where it has been all your life. It all of a sudden puts your life into perspective. You “Amen” and “Truth” to all Instagram quotes that have sapiosexual written in them! You spend an hour liking all quotes that involve mental stimulation and relationships that advocate for this . You either think or type “Relationship goals” to that picture of Bey and Jay with the “Be a Boss, Date a Boss, Build an empire ” caption.

Or just any picture with the message, like this oneย Boss

You’re all about the hustle and the grind and you’re all of a sudden hell bent on making it. Your mind never goes to sleep these days, you’re forever strategizing on how you are going to afford a Tom Ford and Louboutin lifestyle because you love ” theย expensiveย  finer things in life.

You know what you want in life ,exactly how you want it and you probably have a laid out plan on how you are going to achieve it. You change your crowd and only flock with those with a similar vision. You constantly want to challenge yourself ย just to see how far you can stretch. To see your potential.

Every once in a while you feel the need to go off the grid. You quit Instagram, Snapchat and even WhatsApp just for a while. To give yourself breathing space, more than that, you can’t handle the whole world keeping tabs on you all the time. You need a little privacy and therefore you go from uploading three Instagram pictures a day, each day ,every week to ONE picture for a few weeks? Months maybe? That is if you’re not ThisIsEss and you need to make that money! Ahh I admire her passion. Anywaaay….

You are comfortable with yourself. Your own company doesn’t bother you anymore. Something about always caring what the others think when you’re younger. Seeking validation in the wrong places. You can now go to Mama’s (Restaurant in Nairobi) on your own, with a good book or just a notepad and a pen to sit with your thoughts and enjoy hanging with YOU! Yourself.

You have never been more self confident. I don’t know about you guys but I always had (Still do, but I’m trying to make a point here, cut me some slack ๐Ÿ™‚ ) people around me such that when I was alone I felt awkward. I didn’t know what to do with my time. I was always jealous of the people who could sit at a corner by themselves and be comfortable. I am one of these people now and no, we are not loners. Sometimes you just need YOU time, time for you to reflect, plan, congratulate,motivate and even scold YOURSELF. You time ๐Ÿ™‚

You are grown now, you feel it and you only feel the need to do things and associate with people who will enable you to achieve your goals, one way or another.

I am probably sounding way too old now but don’t get me wrong, just because I feel this way doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy life anymore. Doesn’t mean I don’t have a social life any more, only that I don’t waste my time on things that do not grow me anymore. I don’t associate with people that break me constantly almost like they were being paid to do so. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. I am always working towards a vision with a plan of action. No more aimless living. And is it weird that the urge to have a beautiful baby is much stronger,lol, maybe I need a boyfriend first and a wedding. (Dad, quickly advance to the next paragraph, lol)

There are many more things I could write about describing how I think I have come of age but unfortunately the words are just not flowing any more.

Let us just say that I like this stage of life that I am at right now, we all are probably here now (those of us who are my age mates of course )…I would like to think so. Are you enjoying it?I know I am. There is just something about feeling 22 and to top it all off, I decided to get a whole new look this month just to reflect the change I have gone through and I love it. It is a reminder of my progress and growth. One that currently makes me feel like I can conquer the world, who knew the power of a makeover?

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Well anyway, I think I am going to have a mental block real soon. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to all May babies. I hope you enjoy / enjoyed your days to the full and you received all the blessings that you deserve and that this new year is filled with all those things that you have been praying for. May all your dreams and wishes come true. May God bless you all.

P.S. I recently read a blog post from the “Heels, Heart and Heroine ” blog and learned that it is Lupus Awareness Month. Apart from what I read on the blog I do not know much about the disease but I can tell you that its not doing any better than Cancer in my books. Be sure to look it up and create awareness. I shall re blog the post on here so that those of you have not had the opportunity to read it, may do so.

lupus

Love and Love

B

xx

And the symptoms keep kicking in…

You begin to drop them. Like a bag of hot potatoes..but more like throw them away, like a pair of torn clothes.Actually more like gold plated jewelry that you were convinced was gold until it stopped glittering.

Their true colors finally came to light and they were ugly, just despicable. Nothing you want to associate yourself with anymore. Too scared to have the nickel rust on your finger by trying to convince yourself it was once gold. You are too grown for that kind of friendship.Those kinds of friendships.

The kinds that are a one way street. The kinds that you put in all the effort. The kinds that solely depend on YOU being a part of that friendship otherwise then its existence is,well, non- existent.

I mean sure you would hang out every once in a while when YOU made the effort to plan a date but now that you think about it there was not much of substance to the friendship. Value added?If you can barely come up with two ways in which the friendship made you a better person then it was / is definitely just a convenient co relation but far from a friendship.

You see ,when you start to feel grown,I started to feel grown, I was easily able to discern and notice the weeds in my garden of flowers and it was time to do some weeding.

When you’re younger you don’t really pay attention to some things because at that time it is all about having a good time and whose house you will be sleeping over at next. You can tell when someone is being weird but you brush it off as them being jealous or going through the motions. You give five to ten chances because they helped you enter the club the last two times you were stopped anyway or they picked you up from home. OR you’re just OBLIVIOUS. You’re such a nice soul you can never imagine that someone doesn’t have your best interest at heart. That they are just using you to get what they truly want and all else is just a facade. You’re naive and innocent, you are just out after the good in them.

But (I need to stop breaking grammar rules) then you grow up and realize that you have no space in your life for such “friends” and you have to let them go. You could barely count your friends using your hands and now they probably do not add up to 10. I hear it is part of the process.

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The older you get, only those that truly matter, those who had no ill motives, those who were not around because you could hang with them when they were alone, those who were always true and hell bent on making sure that the friendship thrives, you realize that they are all you need.

Eventually, they become all you want. You build connections so deep and have elevating and growing relationships that starting the process again seems dis-inviting. (I’m not advocating for “no new friends ” by the way, sometimes those types of friends are around the corner waiting to meet you).

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Recently an acquaintance(I use this with no disrespect, it just is, what it is) happened to mention how she had noticed that I had “dropped” some friends but that she thought through it I had matured a whole lot and I was not the same person I was a few years back.

While I did not technically “drop” the said friends, we had indeed become distant. Life happens sometimes and it becomes difficult to keep tabs with everyone and that is okay, what got my attention is that she had noticed growth and this led me to look back at my friendships keenly.

It was indeed true that I had dropped quite a number of fake friends without a deliberate intention to and now that I look back on it, I am glad I did.I now wanted to keep the friends that made an impact, those that inspired me, those that pushed me to the limit so that I could be great, those that scolded me when I was doing something wrong. Those that held me when relationships went south, those that forced me out of toxic relationships that I couldn’t get myself out of, those that I could hang out with without having to exert myself so much. The friends that I could go over to their houses only for us to end up taking a nap. The type of friends they write about on those Instagram quotes that have us going “Friendship goals”

friendhsip goals

Life seems much easier now. The drama that once was, is no more. The lies and deception are no more. There is no more being thrown under the bus and just swallowing it because so and so is your “friend” and she probably didn’t mean it. No more giving fifth chances to people who did not even deserve the second.

You grew up and you didn’t even know you did, I guess we are just wired that way. At one point you have to clean out your system. Just like the ocean does around this time with all the seaweed. You know who you need now and those who indirectly say “You don’t need me” get thrown out. You surely don’t need them. Many a times it is a pity, but it is never a decision you regret.

You grow up and you begin to filter out the unnecessary, you only require those that will be with you by your death bed and not those who will turn up at the funeral out of guilt because they did not return your phone call or reply to your message.

You grow up, you come of age.

Hey, Hi,Hej ! ๐Ÿ™‚

In the spirit of ushering a new year into my life, I have decided to do a “coming of age story.” It will probably be in parts because knowing myself and how I have a typing disorder I will not be done after 1000 words and that is just the minimum.

So shall we?

It might not be your typical, ” I am grown now and I don’t have the energy to party till 4 am” story, but then again it just might be. I shall just let my thoughts flow and hope that I make sense.

So once you hit 20,you begin to feel quite old. You can now enter the places that are “18+ ” restricted as well as those above 21. I mean you could do the same at 19, but it doesn’t feel as good as when you’re 20. Plus 20 comes with the “above 21” one. Yes, some people break the rules for you, I mean it is just one more year to 21 right? 20 was a good age to turn, it was my best birthday yet, Yes better than my 21st, but I still did not feel grown or mature.

My 21st flew by me, I had many firsts but nothing worth writing a “coming of age” story. But it was towards the ending of my 21 years on this earth that I began to feel that I was growing. When I experienced a lot of loss and hurt, and not just from losing my mother. A lot of betrayal and shame. A lot of this and that. That is when it began.

Some things did / do not make sense to me anymore.

The typical “I feel too old to rave” was just the beginning. I now prefer to go out for decent dinners and drinks with friends and tell stories,maybe dance a little and bam,its 4 am. The night did not involve club hoping from one “heng” (Daddy calls it henging) joint to the next, or squeezing my way through to the counter to grab another drink and it surely did not involve dramatic nights that leave you questioning people’s sanity at times.

I know I know…sounds like your story too? I am convinced that this is the first sign/ symptom of growing up. I have heard this story one too many times, in different versions, intonations,tones, and now this is my version. The millionth one probably.

I mean sure we will have those mad crazy,fall in the puddle,ruin make up, sweat a lot, lose voice, partial memory loss type of nights, but only every so often. Where’s the fun when it becomes a routine?

These days 4am arrives after I have laughed my guts out because I am blessed to have the funniest friends a girl could ask for, speaking of which my life partner just has to make me laugh!I don’t make too many jokes but I do love a good laugh.

4am arrives after I have poured out the sorrows of my heart to my friends and they ย have either scolded me because it was my fault or found the flip side of the coin. It finds me after we have reminisced over good times we have had, after we have given advice on different situations, after we have uplifted each other and purposed to be great,after we have elevated and motivated each other, after we have dared each other just for the fun of it and after we have moved our hips a little to the music.

There must always be dancing! It is an essential.

At the sunset of 21 I surely did begin to feel quite grown and this was only the beginning…

B.

xx

So I’m sat in dad’s room where the WiFi connects better and where I go when I want to think about my mother. It is 11 am and I have to run off to work in a few minutes. I think I am a bit obsessed with working all of a sudden.

Well not all of a sudden but since I got my first pay cheque. It was exhilarating! The whole process, from the moment I laid my hands on the ย cheque ย to depositing it to the bank, the waiting of two days for it to go via the Central Bank and then finally when I was told the money is settled in my account. It was quite the thrill!

No, not because I have never handled money, but because for once the money was MINE! That I worked for! Mine. It wasn’t much but it sure did give me quite the rush. You should have seen me paying my dad all that I owed him. I borrowed money from him the previous week with a promise to pay him back and I was so excited that I could actually pay back!! Is this how you feel when you get your first Salary? Because then I cannot wait for that day. ( It’s complicated but what I am paid is not exactly a salary,so yeah)

However, I digress.

So I’m sat here reflecting and It comes to mind that I hate being out of my comfort zone. That my strive for everything to work out as I had planned is quite real. I think I have mentioned it on here before about how I hate when things are not in order. The order that I had planned.

I get moody. I want to be alone. My plans have been ruined and it is eating me up. Now I have a headache from thinking too much about it. Why is everyone talking to me? Why do you keep asking me the same question? What in the hell is wrong with my hair? Why can’t it stay in place? I want to go home. I want to be in my COMFORT ZONE! My head is going to blow up from all the overheating. I need water. I think I need to sleep it off……..cooled off.

I might just have a problem. Or maybe I have slight perfectionist tendencies. All I know is that when I think about how moody I was afterwards,when I am in my zone, my zone of comfort, where everything works as it is supposed to, I feel silly! I feel sorry for the people around me who had to deal with my ice cold stares when they asked me something or my one word answers. The people who text me when I am in such a state and have to deal with me in that state.

It really is a pity. I need to stop obsessing over perfection. I need to get comfortable with being in situations that force me out of my comfort zone. What is life if that is the way you live it? Because things will not always be perfect! You will never always be in your comfort zone. Sure sometimes things will pan out exactly how you wanted them to and you will call it a success but then again things may not? Does then that mean it’s a failure? Maybe, but maybe not. Maybe there’s a hidden lesson in the struggle that can only be taught through “failure”, maybe you need to realize a vice about yourself that needs working on OR maybe there’s a moment that you’re not living in that needs to be lived in even if it means everything else goes wrong. Maybe out of your comfort zone is where your success lies. Maybe it is where you thrive! Where you shine brighter than any other star.

I have learned my lesson, I need to just let things BE! I keep repeating this to myself but I really need to. When you let things be, things happen, things that make you happy that you let the things be ๐Ÿ™‚ So just let it BE, B! ๐Ÿ™‚

FEELING 22, with all these life lessons!My Birthday is coming up and I have to say I have been feeling quite grown of late so allow it ๐Ÿ™‚

I am ready to be thrown in to the deep. I am ready to be forced out of my comfort zone. I am ready to find success in disorganization that may only be in my head ,but that the reality is that everything is actually very much organized. Are you ready?

Come at me ๐Ÿ™‚

Just going to leave this here, missing this life
Just going to leave this here, missing this life

Is this becoming a motivational / inspiration/ whatever else those type of blogs are called? I have no idea, I just Know that sometimes it is better to put it down in writing.It makes it easier to hold oneself accountable….and since this blog is my therapy session, why not,right?

Keep Reading,

Love and Love

B.

xx