Category

Recovery

“They say time’s supposed to heal you, but I ain done much healing”

I have probably spent close to three hours looking for pictures of  you. Going through everything I had in my archives made me realize that behind the camera is where you liked to be! You wanted to be the one to capture the moments and keep them close! But then again the “selfie” wasn’t as big in your time….lol

I found pictures though, turns out other people liked you in front of the camera and giiiiiiiiiiiirl I know why! You stunning pretty little miss thang! 🙂

Today was hard mum, i never thought it would be, but there’s something about having you as my first thought when I wake up and you remaining just that, a thought! There’s no option to call or text, there’s no planning of dates because I miss you, nothing….just a Hello from the other side 🙁

I’m sorry my “hello” came with tears but when it comes to you my tears run through uncontrollably,especially when we are out here  talking about how ” It’s been two years since…” An uncontrollable faucet…

I was absolutely unproductive today! I did nothing but stare at your pictures . Ocassionally I got distracted with the internet and its wonders but then my thoughts were quickly re-directed to you.

“Are you okay?” That had to be the hardest question I had to answer all day. How do I say yes when I mean no because im busy trying to avoid a pity party, and at the same time push back the tears at the brim of my eyelids just waiting for that trigger emotion?

It was hard, but easier than it was two years ago when I got the horrible news. Definitely easier than when I saw you wrapped up in that white linen. Much easier mum,than when I had to pay you tribute and the words were being blocked by hot tears and i really had to force myself to pull it together.Easier than when I had to let you go six feet under, alone. Much easier mum, but hard all the same.

I don’t know why you can’t be here today, I don’t know why you have to miss all my big moments, I don’t know why I don’t have the chance to tell current stories and have an ” In fact my mum said….” or “My mum was asking…”

Let me not be selfish though, I am glad PAIN is not a word in your vocabulary! That Joy, laughter and sunshine are the order of your days. I am glad that you are well. I believe that you are well.

This was me just checking in, a hello from the other side on your anniversary!

Stay well pretty,

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I LOVE YOU.

B

XX

Hi Mum…

I still can’t believe you’re gone. It’s going to be two years soon and to me it feels like yesterday. Your absence is still strongly felt and it all just seems so unreal.

I find myself wondering how people who have lost their parents for a longer period have survived.

In the past two months alone I have met a good number of people who seem to have the same story ” I lost my mum when I was…” “My dad passed away last year..” “I lost both my parents at… ” What is common with all of them, however, is that you would never tell that they carry such burdens!

When these things happen you always think you’re the only one hurting in this way even when you know for certain you aren’t the only one. I get inspired by these type of people everyday and I know that I will be just fine without you.

Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you though.

As a matter of fact,I miss you so much I have started seeing you around of late.

I see you in different people. Random People. People I know. Anyone and Everyone really.

Its not once that a woman has walked in my field of vision and I have thought “Mum” …sometimes I have had to hold myself back from actually saying it aloud.

They stand in a certain angle and you flash right infront of my eyes but just as fast , you’re gone! They laugh and you are right there but not for too long.

I see you in mothers who go shopping with their daughters hand in hand like bestfriends and  think ” That could be us but the way Cancer is set up…..”

I see you in my sister! Her strong Character at such a young age, her commanding nature, and not in a bad way. The way she carries herself around.

I see you all the time mum and sometimes I wish I could freeze your Image just a bit longer! I wish I could rewind back time. I just wish, I wish…

I haven’t told you though how much grandma reminds me of you! My imagination has convinced me that if i was lucky enough to see you age you would look exactly like her! Identical! Her laughter reminds me of you and so does the curve of her front teeth, I have that too….your sisters say It makes me look a lot like you…actually they are already saying I look exactly like you!

It was concours the other day. Do you remember how excited you would get over it? Mainly because you would get to dress up? Ahhh good times….I wore all white like you did on your last ever concours event three years ago. I even wore your white hat. I know, I know, I copied your look. Guilty as charged! What can I say, you got  had style girl!                                          DSC_0169

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Anyway, I just thought I should say Hi, especially after a lady walked past me two days ago and I could have sworn it was you. How is it without the pain and the endless joy and happiness there? Are you okay? I hope you are.

Rest well and see you soon.

Love B.

p.s. Kisses for you IMAG0290

It had been a good day, the sun was out and Zucchini Ice-cream was a good plan. My friend Aggie and I went on and on about different topics as we enjoyed our ice-cream and stole a few snaps for the gram and Snapchat.

It seems that these days that is the validation that you’re living life,winning at life, it really isn’t though and if you feel like the number of likes you get or followers you have define you, then I suggest you check yourself! We are not of this earth and all these material things will matter not when we need to move on to the next realm.

So be wary.I have encountered enough people who think that if you didn’t put it up on Snapchat then you sure as hell must be lying OR it wasn’t as great as you said it was. Really though? Anyway, that is for another day. When used in moderation however, I see no problem. When it does not define you, then by all means go ahead, do you booboo 🙂

Anyway, after a good outing, a hot shower and dinner, I resorted to go to bed. It had been a long day and I had an even longer day coming and I needed to be well rested.

I was not able to knock out immediately and thus decided to scroll my social media pages for a while. I happened to have been filled with so much emotion that night and I kept thinking about all the losses I had in my life, it was mostly friends that my mind was on about but as sure as the setting of the sun, it did not leave my mother out of it. Trust my sneaky little brain.

I began to reminisce of the times we spent together and thereafter I lamented on those that we will never spend together. Since I was on social media, worldly thoughts came into play.

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I thought of how Instagram had barely hit it when she left and how we did not get the opportunity to take enough selfies. I thought of how I didn’t have Snapchat at the time and how I will never get the chance to take a video of her commenting on something,or driving me around, or even making fun of something that we came across. All worldly things of which the connection and relationships they build is what is of importance.

Facebook is usually the last stop and I decided to search for her account. I felt horrible that I had never added her and I was tempted to send a friend request along with a message on messenger to tell her how much I missed her.

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By this time enough tears had cascaded down my cheeks and what I was doing was crying silently. I did not want to wake anyone. I wanted to suffer, I wanted to feel pain, I wanted it to hurt when I couldn’t swallow and even more when I couldn’t breathe because of a blocked nose. What relief from pain did I deserve when she wasn’t even here? Emotional pain so that we are clear, that which you can almost feel in your heart.

I scrolled down her page and read everything she ever wrote or at least that which Facebook allowed me to view because I was not her friend 🙁 I saw messages to her cousins and friends from South Africa, I saw changes in her profile picture and even an update on her profile when she retired. I don’t know why but it broke me, I was now crying louder than before but trying to keep it down, my tears creating immense wetness on my pillow. Why did she have to go? Why couldn’t she just wait a bit longer? A few more years, Lies….MANY more years. She will not be here for the big moments in my life and it pains me.

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I thought I was done with her page until I came across a message from an old friend of hers and her sister, my aunt Stella. Her friend messaged to find out how she was and I was keen to see her reply so that I could somehow try to imagine what period of her life she was going through. Whether it was her birthday or during her stay in South Africa, I wanted to feel connected. I proceeded to open the comments and what I read pulled the last cord, I broke down hysterically, loudly, in pain, a painful cry that had my brother running to my room to find out what was happening.

The comment was not a reply from mother. It couldn’t have been,it was never going to be. The message was dated a day after she had passed and It was her sister In Law who replied to her friend to inform him of my mother’s demise the previous day.

I don’t know If I have ever cried for the same reasons I did that day or the way I did. In my tears, I had scrambled to find the funeral service program to go through her life story over and over again as I sat on my toilet seat. I had even walked to the mirror and stood there and questioned why she had to go, waiting for my reflection to give me an answer. I asked her why she had to leave. I asked my brother to stop feeling pity for me and let me cry in peace and he shouldn’t dare to wake my father up.

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I cried painful hot tears that day. It had been a while since I last cried. It is easy to get caught up in this world and get so busy and her slowly becoming a distant memory was happening.I mean, thoughts of her would cross my mind every other day but they would only last for the moment and leave just as fast as they came.

I question so much when it comes to her death and I am now fearful that I will never let go. It is never going to pass is it?

I am even more scared of the possibility of advancing to the next world and not remembering she was ever mine to call Mum. I am scared to think that as an Angel in Heaven she might not know who we are even though she feels this strong urge to protect us and be there to watch over us, but then again I believe that she knows exactly who we are.

My aunt had written on her timeline recently to say she missed her and that she should rest in peace. I wished I could do the same, but we were not friends. 🙁

Rest in Peace mother of mine,

gone but not forgotten, at least not by me.

I love you always.

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xx

So with Shonda playing with our emotions these past two weeks and my “holiday” or lack of it, giving me a complete headache, I had to take a trip down South. I had to take all my woes to the ocean…I had to let them go with the wind. I simply needed, to let my hair down and just exhale. Exhale all the exhaustion, stress, drama, work load, everything!

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So I wrote this post months ago when I first went through her funeral service book this year, however, I did not publish it because I was not too sure if it was true. If i really indeed felt like I was healing or at least on the road to healing, the closest road at that. 

Funny thing is, I am still not sure, I have a lot going on and I am very uncertain, however, I think it is best if I put up the post anyway. It just might be the first step to actual healing. Also i have been glancing at my stats page every now and then and I get disappointed at myself for not leaving you guys with any content and for that I apologize.

Anyway, onto it then.

I think I am healing.

I think I am here to tell you that I am healing.

I think that healing of the heart is possible.

You see I have her Funeral Service program in my room. We all do actually. In fact,I think we have one in every corner of the house. There was a point we were giving them out way after the funeral to whoever visited the house. Especially to those who did not attend the funeral or did not hear of the news until much later.

I was giving them out because I wanted everyone to know what a remarkable woman my mother was. I wanted them to all see the beauty she radiated because she was one stunning woman. I wanted to make sure my mother’s name would not be forgotten. I did not want to forget her and I did not want anybody else to either.

Anyway, so before, any time I would take the program into my hands in the past I would literally break down. I did not even have to flip too many pages to ignite the water works ( See what I did there?) they would just flow as if on cue.

This time however, the first time this year I was going through it, it was different. I cried…obviously, I’m just that emotional girl. But the tears were not painful tears. I did not end up having a headache the whole day after crying. There was no painful knot in my throat when the memories were flashing back. I had a good cry.

Maybe it is just this one time…maybe I was just at a different place this time and I was being positive. Maybe the next time I go through it, the painful knot will form again. However, at least this time it was not there.

Each day at a time. I have learned there is no other way to do this. In fact there is no other way to live life but each day at a time. Why am I talking like I have an option? It is not like we are given two days at a go. Each day. It is because I had not fully encompassed this phrase into my life before.

I have now. Living like there is no tomorrow. Letting tomorrow….if it does come…to deal with itself..tomorrow. But today..I shall deal with today because It is all I have. P.s. I shall deal with tomorrow too..If I have tomorrow…I just needed my sentence there to flow a little bit.lol

Anyway I hope those on my bandwagon are in this stage, the stage of feeling and realizing that you are possibly healing and then letting it happen. Not letting it go..I mean you can let it go..but is that a thing we want? To let it go? are we meant to?

Love and love

B.

xx

Its already well into the month. Okay maybe not so much into it, but with the way time is flying it might as well be the 25th of March tomorrow.

The past few months have been hectic, emotional and even draining as it were. I will have attended two funerals by Friday and the nervous break down I had the other day is just an added bonus . I was in a funk for about a week too, it has just been too much. My previous post just reeks of all that “low vibe”.

I am constantly in panic mode about everything. The future mostly, it is seriously starting to bug me about how uncertain it is. Which is so dumb because , uuum, it IS the future, we are not meant to know about it now.

We are always told to focus on the present, to live for today and make the most of TODAY but, is it wrong to feel horrible  that you don’t know what tomorrow holds? To let it drive you to such a state?

I guess I have learned that I am the type of person that likes to have everything work out in a certain way and I like to be in control. Because obviously, not being in control drives me insane at times.

Do you feel this way sometimes? Or am I just talking nonsense? Nothing you have ever experienced?

If you have though, this is just to tell you that it is not just you. Also, we are never EVER going to be in control of the future. We might try to make way for things to work in a specific way and prepare for the future, but we will never be able to be in control.  So Cliche…I’m sure you have heard this from so many different people…but I guess then this is a message to self?  You can stop reading now to be honest, I am not saying anything new.

You are still reading? I really hoped you would be. You know…read on and see what this girl is talking about?Thank you.

So  anyway for more of my cliches.

Live. Live for today. For the Present. Funny that I am telling you this and yet I barely adhere to those words. But that was yesterday and the weeks that have passed,,, Today came about though and I promised to heed those words. I was filled with a whole new energy.

I am ready to be content with not knowing the future and the things that I cannot control and making the most out of what I have.

I’m finally out of the funk that I have been in…which is great news. Anyone I talked to lately knows I was at a serious low. I sort of know now, why I was in that state. Why i was somewhat depressed. ( Keyword SOMEWHAT, I am not depressed. Too blessed to be depressed bruh 🙂 ) It is time to start making changes because that is not a state that I want to be in anymore.

p.s. Yesterday’s post was written early last week, just in case you are wondering how quick I went in and out of that “Funk” Lol

Otherwise….Wishing you beautiful souls a Happy New Month. May you make the most out of today and all the very best with tomorrow.

Love and Love,

B.

So before we go any further I have to apologize for my absence on here. I have been super busy. I know we all have…but I have not had a moment to catch my breath and hence the silence.

With the way things were going, it was bound to be longer, but trust cancer to give me a reason to be here. I am not sure I should even be thanking her for letting me write to you guys or not. I am so mad at her.

She just has no chills.

None.

She doesn’t understand that what she puts us through is not easy to get out of. That It takes a whole lot for us to go a day without shedding a tear. Without reliving memories that make it even harder. Without hearing their laughter across the hall and wishing they were still here.

Cancer, she has done it again. Not to me, but to someone very close to me. So close that when he broke the news to me, I felt like I was reliving my own experience with Cancer. My heart broke in two for him and my hate for cancer just doubled up a notch(Does this make sense?) and God knows how much that hate is.

She has taken his mother and I don’t know what to tell him. That it will get better? How,when I don’t even know what better is myself?Sorry? Because obviously that will bring her back? I know how you feel?And so what if I do? Chances are I do not, the situation is never the same. We are in this together? Who wants a welcome card to a motherless life? It happens to the best of us? Because if that is the case , then even I don’t want to be a part of “the best”. I am dumbfounded.

All I know is that I feel his pain in almost equal measure. The loss of a mother is not anything easy to deal with. Today, tomorrow, next year….I doubt it will ever be easy. When she leaves you know she has left.  I thought it was just me who felt my mother leave this realm, but he claims it too. It is real. And if the connection is that deep, you can now understand what pain it is when you know that she is no longer there.

I am broken. My heart has been shattered all over again. Cancer is on a mission and she is claiming our mothers and we cannot stop her.

She needs to be stopped. We need a cure. Stop her in her tracks and tell her no more. Is there a doctor out there?

I pass my sincere condolences to you my friend and  I pray that your mother’s soul rests in Eternal peace. I pray that you and your family my receive peace the surpasses all understanding to help you understand the will of God and accept it. That all the provisions you require during this time will be availed . That you see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point and try to stay positive. That the days following will get easier as each one passes by and the knowledge of your new angel in Heaven may keep you going.

I will always be here for you even when many get caught up with life and forget. I will always be here for you so that we can break down together and thereafter share a moment of prayer. I will be here when you need to cry . I will be here when you need to cry some more. I will still be here when you need me to listen to you. I will be here when you just want to sit in silence and want to think about her but you do not want to do it alone. I will be here when you are finally ready to start the healing process. I will definitely be here.

I love you always.

Like I said, Nairobi is always bringing her up. Not Nairobi but the people in Nairobi. But not like that…just like…you know…well she was known here…and…i don’t know how else to put it.

Anyway…

It is always something here. She will always come up. Especially when I am here. It is not that I don’t want her to come up. It is not that I don’t want us to remember her. It is not that I want to push it away. It is just…

See when I embarked on this blogging journey. On this journey of letting go. On this journey of healing. I got into it with the idea that at some point I would forget. But not like forget..more of tuck her away in a little special corner of my heart and only visit that place when I felt like I needed to.

I also thought it would become a distant memory. Sort of like what Sweden will be in a few months before I go back.How I will not be able to re live the time there again but I will always have the memories close by and I will refer to them at my own will. To put a smile on my face and then just as fast as they came into my mind, will they be gone. Distant memory.

However, I have learned that, that may not be the case. It might not be the case.

You see there is no forgetting like that when, a very old house help calls you months after your whole life was turned up side down to tell you ” Barbara aki pole, nilisoma kwa gazetti eti…” . Not when that was a house help you loved dearly and you know she feels your pain.

There is no forgetting when you get into an accident on your FIRST day back in the country and the lady who you happened to ram into goes ” Abwoga? Was the Late Irene your mother? I used to work with her”

and then goes into detail about her last moments with her. Yes…on the side of the road. On waiyaki way. On a Thursday morning. I even forgot that I had just got into an accident. I forgot that I was causing a traffic build up. I almost forgot that I was rushing to class and I was definitely going to be late. I forgot that when you crash someone’s car you have to work up a payment agreement of some sort.

How much of a coincidence was that though? I just looked up and went like “Mum stop your jokes, I am late”

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I have come to accept that there is no forgetting her. And quite frankly , forgetting is the last thing I want to do. A distant memory? I don’t want that either…I actually ,now, have no idea how I want this process to go. So far all I know is that I want to be void of the pain and hurt other than that….Let me crash into you…crash into me…let us stop and talk about the beautiful Irene Abwoga. The mother of three. The wife of one.The friend of many. A sister. A daughter. An aunt. My mother. Let us talk about her? Please? Just no pity…it is all I ask.

And then I just re read all that and the tears are welling up. She is not here anymore. She will never be here again. I Truly do miss her. May she rest in Eternal Peace.

I love you mummy.

xx

learning

Every Corner of Nairobi reminds me of her. Okay maybe not every corner and not reminded the way you are picturing it.

You see in Sweden..No one knew about my mum except the few that I had let get close to me.Therefore she was never a topic of discussion unless I was the one who put it on the table. At home though, I have realized, more often than not I am pushed into a corner where I have to mention her passing or speak about her and then it has to be in past tense and it is so weird for me.

The hardest for me is when I had to tell our hair dresser that she had passed. It was months after and I had not been to that salon for a while. She went on and on about how she had missed us and then asked about my sister. I gave her an up to date report and then hoped it would end there. But I knew it was coming…I just hoped it was not.

“And mum? How is she doing? It has been a while. Is she well?” Those may not have been the exact words, but it went something like that. Now see I did not know where to start. I think she knew she had been sick but I wasn’t sure. So do I have to explain that too? Okay no…That is way too long. Let me just get it out of the way.

“Mum is not here anymore”. At that point I had not let the idea sink in and I did not have the capability to say “Mum passed away” right off the bat. So she asked me again. ” What do you mean she is not here anymore?” ALL THE WHILE…i was dying inside. I was trying to hold back painful hot tears, I was trying to push away that memory of her that just came flashing by, I was trying to stay in my bubble and not accept reality.

“Oh you didn’t hear?” I still couldn’t say it…I just kept breaking myself more inside. ” Hear what?” “Mummy passed away” 🙁 It was the hardest thing I ever had to say. Her reaction of shock and disbelief made it ten times worse. Till to date I am very uncomfortable when I have to explain or mention it.

Unfortunately though, it has come up in more than one conversation when I have to explain something but It will not make sense without the back story. The back story being of her demise. How am I meant to talk about anything now. Is it a disclaimer I have to give before I say anything? Sometimes I avoid the topic so much, but because people don’t know why I am avoiding giving them a particular answer, they keep pushing it. I think I have told the story twice or thrice already since I have been back.

It does not cause me to cry or get emotional. But I hate the fact that it puts me in a position that people have to pity me. I hate the “sorry’s ” that come with the acquisition of the piece of information. Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate that you sympathize with me. I just don’t want to be treated different because of it. Or for people to act different around me because of it.

I thank God my friends grasped this fast enough and they never put me in that situation.

Some days this journey seems to get easier by the day and then sometimes it seems like I am taking ten steps back. Sometimes I feel like I am truly well on my way to healing and then sometimes I feel like I am not even a mile shy to the finishing point.  Is there a finishing point? Do we ever really get to a point like that? Does it exist?

I miss her. xx

So here is the thing.

I honestly ,truly thought I had put on a little meat on my bones and a few Kilos on the weight scale. The weight scale…I actually did get a few kilos on that. If you’ve been following this blog,Oh so religiously, because I mean why not? ( Allow me to get a little vain here) then you know how excited I was about an 8kg weight gain.

But here is the thing.

I came back to Kenya and my bubble was busted on arrival. No warning. No nothing. I was not even given time to process. Almost like Sweden and my life there was a dream. The perfect dream! and then I had to snap back to reality. Kenya is my reality just in case I lost you on the way.

Now the thing is.

I seemed NOT to have gained weight. My dad is convinced that I just have heavy bones and that is all. I am as tiny as I was when I left home. Possibly tinnier actually!How is this even possible?

How do I know? Remember my sister? No no my daughter? My 13 year old one? The thing is that I am so tiny that we now…get this…we NOW …share clothes!!! I am OLD ,she is 13! We share trousers, dresses, T-shirts you name it!! In fact, some of my clothes might not fit her because they are too SMALL!

Woman hold Fat Fit Weight loss Diet Scale

I am in utter shock and in disbelief! I mean I am excited that I can now live the life I have always wanted. That one where I can walk in to her wardrobe and pick whatever I wanted and it would fit perfectly. That one girls who have sisters closer in age live. The one where they share clothes and they can literally go months without repeating an outfit because I mean why would you even think to repeat an outfit?

I digress though. Why am I so tiny? Did my metabolism just upgrade to the 2.0 Beta version and I had no idea? Did the trauma of death and cancer hit me so bad,give my body such an immense shock that I now cannot get out of?Like did my body get so used to this that it is unable to change now? I cannot put my finger on it but I have to say I am utterly disappointed. I miss the days when i was rocking a healthy 60 -65 kgs and walking around as a “curvy” girl.

So now that is the thing. This is where I am at.

This post is soooo off topic but I just had to. You had to know my current situation. I had to fill you in, lest you bump in to me and wonder why the first thought in your brain is anorexia. Okay I think I’m pushing it…maybe I am being overly dramatic. Im just trying to make this story sweeter. You know us writers.lol. Yes I call myself a writer, ha! I wish.

Okay then tomorrow,

I have a cancer story.

Bye xx