Category

truth

2018 is here and boy is it exciting! It’s like turning over to the next chapter of a book you’re really engrossed in and you can’t wait to see what happens next.

The end of last year ( lol, we can say that now) had a lot of us talking about all the things we would leave behind in 2017 as we carry the good vibes on to the new year, but how about those things we are carrying forward? Every journey needs some supplies and so does the one into a new year. Humor me as I share with you some of the things that I am definitely carrying on into 2018.

se.cret : Something that is not properly understood; a mystery

 : A valid but not commonly known or recognised method of achieving or                    maintaining something

This definition hits it right smack in the middle.

It captures everything that this is.

It captures exactly what the secret is.

A few weeks ago he asked me whether I had watched the secret and that if I hadn’t I should get right on it.I promised I would watch it soon but life happened and it was not until another two weeks, give or take, had passed that I watched it.

It hit me.

It hits me.

It hits me, I never take action.

It literally hit me this time and I couldn’t ignore it.

It was about that time that I practised what I preached.

Preach wine and drink wine.Fine wine.

Because It is meant to be fine. Just fine. Like fine wine.

It will be now though and I am ecstatic!

I finally took a leap of faith. I finally let go….or rather I was pushed off the edge and I did not hold on.

It was time to take the risk. It is what life is about anyway….risk taking. Right?

“They say time’s supposed to heal you, but I ain done much healing”

I have probably spent close to three hours looking for pictures of  you. Going through everything I had in my archives made me realize that behind the camera is where you liked to be! You wanted to be the one to capture the moments and keep them close! But then again the “selfie” wasn’t as big in your time….lol

I found pictures though, turns out other people liked you in front of the camera and giiiiiiiiiiiirl I know why! You stunning pretty little miss thang! 🙂

Today was hard mum, i never thought it would be, but there’s something about having you as my first thought when I wake up and you remaining just that, a thought! There’s no option to call or text, there’s no planning of dates because I miss you, nothing….just a Hello from the other side 🙁

I’m sorry my “hello” came with tears but when it comes to you my tears run through uncontrollably,especially when we are out here  talking about how ” It’s been two years since…” An uncontrollable faucet…

I was absolutely unproductive today! I did nothing but stare at your pictures . Ocassionally I got distracted with the internet and its wonders but then my thoughts were quickly re-directed to you.

“Are you okay?” That had to be the hardest question I had to answer all day. How do I say yes when I mean no because im busy trying to avoid a pity party, and at the same time push back the tears at the brim of my eyelids just waiting for that trigger emotion?

It was hard, but easier than it was two years ago when I got the horrible news. Definitely easier than when I saw you wrapped up in that white linen. Much easier mum,than when I had to pay you tribute and the words were being blocked by hot tears and i really had to force myself to pull it together.Easier than when I had to let you go six feet under, alone. Much easier mum, but hard all the same.

I don’t know why you can’t be here today, I don’t know why you have to miss all my big moments, I don’t know why I don’t have the chance to tell current stories and have an ” In fact my mum said….” or “My mum was asking…”

Let me not be selfish though, I am glad PAIN is not a word in your vocabulary! That Joy, laughter and sunshine are the order of your days. I am glad that you are well. I believe that you are well.

This was me just checking in, a hello from the other side on your anniversary!

Stay well pretty,

IMG-20120413-00420

I LOVE YOU.

B

XX

Disclaimer : I wrote this post 3 months ago and I just stumbled upon it as I was going through my archives. Many times I pen type my thoughts and emotions etc but I rarely get to publish. For one reason or another the posts are not publish worthy and I save them in my archives and keep it moving. This one in particular did not make it because I felt that I would truly be judged and taken for a weirdo. I read it again though today and with the mood im in im thinking…..Who gives a hoot, it is my blog and my writing and my experiences, so if you think I’m crazy, that’s on you right? ( Lol, you should see me trying to master up the courage to hit publish, HERE GOES NOTHING! )

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Hey, am I weird? Is it weird?Is it weird that I remember? That I always Remember? I heard if you remember it should essentially mean that you are dead, or not of this earth no more. Is this true?

Is it weird that I remember my dreams vividly? That I remember every single emotion I felt in the dream. If there was pain I remember the feeling and sometimes when I think about it, I feel like the pain is still there. My friend told me it is a weird thing that happens when people remember their dreams.

However, I recently picked out a pattern though. More often than not , the dreams I remember revolve around her. The dreams I remember always feature her as the guest star. The dreams though…

The dreams are usually weird, some of them scare me to the bone such that If I happen to wake from them in the middle of the night, I cannot seem to go back to sleep.

Now see I don’t know why I am having these dreams when I asked her politely to not show up in my dreams. Mainly because I don’t have the bone for it, but apparently I do. I am actually not scared when I meet her in the dream but the events around the dream are usually terrifying!

Many a times, her purpose in the dream is to tell me what to do. To go left or right, to believe them or not, to jump or not, this way or that way……I feel like you get the flow yes?

Usually the dreams are very specific and I remember all the characters but I feel the need to keep identities a secret. This is because these are just dreams right? Plus there is a high chance that my mind is messing with me ALSO I am not superstitious, Its just that YOOOOO….this shit is too weird.

In the most recent dream, I am casually walking and I notice a small, Like tiny, no no like Super minute wrigly worm, sort of creature, crawling past and I freak the **** out! If you know me, you know that anything that crawls or flies and is of insect nature scares me to death. So obviously ,I scream like a little Kid and ask X to kick it out. X  however decides to grab the creature….

(I hope we get by now that X is a character in this dream off mine)

THEN

Out of nowhere, in less than a minute  the ” creature” turns into a full grown snake and it starts to chase ME! Me! WHY ME?

I do all sorts of gymnastics going over and under tables and chairs, gliding through staircases….I even managed to fit through grilled windows and scaled the walls of the building to a different room which I then got into and continued with my get away. Sweating, Panting, Confused, almost giving up , ready for this thing to devour me….I couldn’t do it anymore.

And then, just on my way out the door of a room, I meet her there and I ask her If I could trust X with getting rid of the snake and she says yes. I am not convinced though and I tell her the snake is all Xs fault anyway and that A looks too suspect.

My mother gives me a thumbs up and tells me to trust X. At this point I am so greatful, I don’t know why but I am and I run up to her  and give her the biggest hug. In this scene she is standing at our corridor where her picture was put out for all to see when she passed. She looks exhausted and almost like she has been standing at the same spot the whole time. I ask her to take a seat and she insists on standing. She says that she always has to keep a look out for us…..

AND THEN I WOKE UP!

With a start! I literally jolted upright in my bed like I had just been shocked back to life. You know how it happens in the ER? But like the ER in cartoons where the characters come back to life instantly? Exactly like that!

Now, I dont know about you but I felt that, that was too weird a dream to let pass. It was scary enough that I coud remember exact details but the fact that it was the third or fourth of that nature I have had caused shivers down my spine.

( Can I just put it out there that I have NOT given you a complete summary of the whole ordeal, so you can imagine the REAL DREAM, like with all the details)

On a similar encounter before I talked to my dad about it and he asked me not to think much into it, but I am starting to get a little worried. Why do I remember all these dreams so vividly ? And why are they so weird?

I hope I did not lose like 1000 folllowers and All my friends because yall think I am psycho. I really am not. I honestly just had a bad dream and I told you about it. Bad? I don’t know, I mean I got to see her, but not the best dream either.

Its just a weird dream right? Or is it?

Weird right? Just for the record though, it has been a while since I had those dreams and I am convinced that my mother had not fully gone to rest. That she felt the need to stand by and watch over us. However, now, we are close to clocking two years since and I think she finally has. I really hope she has. 

Death is such a weird thing man!

Anyway,

Love and Love

B

xx

taking stock

AAAAANnnd Just like that, the year will soon be a wrap! I mean Christmas is literally next door,outchea waiting for you to light up that tree! I feel horrible for not writing as much as I wanted these past few months and instead giving you these ” taking stock” posts which y’all would quickly ignore if given the option of reading my “feels” posts but hey, Ive been one busy human being! Just like you have, which is why I know you totally understand me and thus suck it up and read these types of posts instead! For that I say THAAAANK YOU!

So let me bore you abit with an update about my life? Yas? YAAAAS! LOL

Making: Plans to attend a spin class  OR  gym at 6am on Monday with my colleagues from work! Finally I am doing something about this #FitLife I keep talking about! Abs I SEE YOU! 🙂

Cooking: Well I helped make Chapati dough, chopped carrots and checked on the rice a few times today, does that count?

Drinking: I just had a glass  plastic cup of MILK! Yes, I use plastic cups, dad got tired of the number of glasses that would be broken in a week! Glasses are for guests in our house, lol.

Reading: A LOT about the Banking Industrty! CFA Challenge things.

Wanting:  I want to hire someone to do this Content Calender that is due! #Whyme?

Playing: Words with friends on my phone whenever I have free time! I must say I’m a bit bored of the game now, on to the next one maybe?

Wishing: I had more hours in a day or more days in a week! So much to do! 🙁

Enjoying:  ADELE’s Hello! Hey boo #Fromtheotherside

Deleting: Some of the verbs on this template because I do not know what to answer *hides face in hands cheekily*

Wondering: What I should do right now, I am extremely exhausted but in the mood for a drink or two, but netflix and chill on my own sounds like a plan too. (Is it weird that I say “drink”. do i sound old?)

Loving: The fact that I have a few leave days next week, I cannot wait to SLEEP through them!!

Marvelling: STILL marvelling at that #ZOLA story! That was so trippy FAM! And that girl can tell a story BRUUUUUH!

Needing: I NEED a body massage!

Smelling: FRUITY!

Musing: Over your thought process! Quite interesting I must say, the actions that come afterwards even more! #smh #ChillBruh

Missing: Winnie Nakitare!

Crying: Over mum a lot less these days. I think I am so occupied I don’t have time for sad thoughts to run rampant in my mind. I am not sure whether this is a good or bad thing though.

And as a side note, the other day someone said let the dead take care of the dead and somehow tied this up to the bible and quoted Jesus. I was quite offended actually, them talking about how we should stop wasting our time thinking about those who have left us. EXCUSE ME WHAT? But the Bible part confused me as well…. should I have been offended? Your thoughts?

Wearing: A black maxi skirt and an orange crop top to go absolutely NOWHERE, i was just feeling myself after I got out the shower! Lol 🙂

Realizing: That I might just have road rage! I literally have conversations with myself about how silly people can be on the road sometimes! I probably appear as a mad woman talking to herself, to passengers in other vehicles! Did I just say VEHICLE? lOL.

Knowing:That SAFARICOM totally cons the hell out of me! I don’t know why I am still on that network!smh

Thinking: I need to rethink my thoughts! Hahaha…. 🙂

Feeling: Pleasantly exhausted! I must say I have really had a splendid day! Friends, kids, kitchens and oh way too much oil!Lol…#FunTimes

Opening:Excel spreadsheets pretty often these days #sigh

Laughing: At my friend Vanessa who was absolutely convinced I was a D cup! D!!!! We have been friends for about 12 years or more and all this time she thought I was D! Really boo? I might just have to reconsider our friendship at this rate!

That’s it folks, time to catch up on some series!

Hej da!

love and love

B! XX