And then there are those days that I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. The Reality is right there in front of me, its plain, black and white but I have no emotions for it. I am neither happy nor sad. It is just like nothing happened and it is another day I have to live.

It is on such days, one of them being today, that I have absolutely no content for this my space right here on the internet. I have no emotions to spill and write lengthy about. Such days do exist.

Where you feel absolutely nothing. It is not because you don’t want to keep their memories alive or even in my case let it all out in writing so that you are not burdened, No. It is just plain simple, it doesn’t seem to FEEL on that day.

It is on days like this that I will not be able to write to you not because I do not want to but because Cancer is not on my mind day in, day out. It started out that way, but like I said, it is because this month is just that month and all those emotions came flowing back with the same power the ocean does when it is returning to the shore. I had words on end to describe how I felt because it was all so vivid. It was like I was reliving the moment. I seem to have let out quite a bit though because I am calm again,the hurt is less of late. That is a good thing.

I shall write to you soon, because these days of blank emotions never last. Cancer, she always creeps up on me and when she does, I shall write. I shall not be long that I am sure.

So until then,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year my loves,

with you always,

love and love,


Have you ever watched a bone marrow procedure being done? Probably not. I cannot remember whether this was part of the actual transplant or just a procedure, I need to ask. For now, “Procedure” will have to do.

I remember being a little bit scared, but she wasn’t. She did not even flinch.I watched as Professor Novitsky drilled into her bone. DRILLED! Oh I watched because the whites ( Is this a proper reference?) are just those people who are rarely phased. Like you know how a black parent would NEVER in a million years take their 3 month old baby swimming but a white parent would do it as soon as possible so as to narrow down the things they have to teach their kids? How a white parent would allow their kids to roll over in the mud as long as it pleased the child but catch a black parent dead ” Allowing it” ? You get my drift? So yes, just like that, Professor Novitsky couldn’t understand for the life of him why I shouldn’t watch.

” You have to know what mummy goes through, right?”

And so I watched as he drilled away. It looked gruesome, sounded excruciating but Mrs. my mother did not flinch. Not even once. I was twisting and turning on the inside, kind of the way you feel when you say, it makes me feel “thithi” ( Did I spell that right? I don’t know how to translate that for my foreign readers) but she did not utter a word.

And then she moved, finally her nerves were working and she was going to complain about the pain! WRONG, she wanted to know how much longer she had to lie on her tummy because she was now getting tired. I could not believe it, this woman, mum of steel!!

Cancer patients are such strong people. The toll all the treatment takes on them and they still come out smiling and say they are okay. Then they manage to beat the Cancer and we say an Amen but we barely know the back story. How they puked the whole night because their medication was messing up their system. How they nose bled the whole morning because its just one of those side effects. How they are so hungry but can’t eat because the smell of food is repulsive and they just don’t have an appetite. How unexplainable painful wounds form on their body and then burst in the middle of the night causing untold pain. How they miss their long luscious hair that fell all the way to just above their butt and now have to deal with a bald head and wigs.

Emotional, psychological and physical pain and some of them still manage to come out winning.

We see your struggle cancer patients. We may not even begin to understand what you are going through but from what we hear it is hard. We just want you to know that our prayers are with you. That you may be healed of this disease to the point that someone would laugh in your face because of disbelief when you begin to tell them that ” Once upon a time, I had Cancer”

You are loved and supported. Be strong. Pray hard. Stay Positive. You have come this far, do not give up.

Love and Love,



I know its hard. The first time you found out must have been the hardest and even then it didn’t follow the rule and get easier. No, it just became harder. I know exactly what you are going through, I have been there.

They tell you they have discovered it early and they only need a few months of intense Chemotherapy and all other treatment and things will be under control. They are careful not to say that ” a few months” could be well over a year.

And so the process begins and at the “6 month” mark you are already getting ancy. She said she would be home, they said she would be home. Where is she? Why does the time keep getting prolonged? Doesn’t this Cancer person understand that you need your mother? You ask yourself almost everyday. You try to be strong but you fail miserably. You don’t want to talk about it because it is too painful but also because it means you have to think about the whole situation. You do not want to put your brain through that.

You already have had it up to your throat doing all the things she would be doing just to keep everything normal. You don’t mind doing these things but again you’re just a kid. We are kids until we leave their house right? Can’t cancer just get that part and leave? Can’t they just wake up one morning and spend enough money for the call to be transferred from abroad so that they can give you the good news? ” We can no longer see any active Cancer cells. She is coming home”

I know exactly how you feel, I went through the same exact thing. It gets better, that call is coming through. I just need you not to give up. More than her being strong for her herself, she needs you to be strong too. Okay?  You can do it. I know. He challenges only the best of us and not to see us fail, no, to see us succeed because He knows we have it in us. “The Best”  of us I said…not just anyone. He knows who can handle it and He picked you and I and them. So you got this.

I will walk with you and be right by your side when you need a shoulder to lean on and someone to dry your tears. When the emotions are at a peak, When missing her too much is an understatement. I will be here. It is what friends are for right? And how our friendship has been strengthened by this common evil, Cancer, I will definitely be here.

So now, let us be strong until she gets back.She is getting back, I don’t know when but she is. When she does, we will celebrate. Strong? Pound on it? You will be just fine.

All the love in the world,

from me to you.



I don’t know if it’s just Kenyans or everyone around the world, but Christmas time is almost always equals to “travel somewhere”. It could be anywhere from Upcountry to Sweden to the Coast  and even to the Maasai Mara. But there are also those times when a Christmas at home is just as good and is very much appreciated. Last year, we had planned to go to the Coast, It was my sisters plan, It had really been a while since we had been there and she desperately wanted to go and then Cancer happened and those plans became a rumor. But staying home this time was not a plan either, the thoughts and pain would eat us alive. We had to get away. Somewhere, anywhere.Just as long as we would not be reminded of the tragedy that had just taken place. And so Kilaguni is where we found ourselves. It is such a beautiful place I must say and worth the visit if your looking for an ” in touch with nature” experience. ( Is this the part where I get paid for advertising on my blog?lol)

Now this story is about the Giraffe. So because being out in the wilderness means game drives we conformed and there we were aiming to spot the BIG FIVE before the sun went to sleep if that’s what it….okay, No game drive lasts that long, not when you started in the morning. Or can It? It can?I don’t think it should, but to each their own right?

Anywaaaaaay….so we had finally spotted three of the five and we were about done. We had seen enough zebra’s and buffalo’s for one day and we had ticked off three of the five. The Leopard being one of them. We were satisfied.It was about time.

So we start heading back to the resort but somehow we just got lost, we did not have a tour guide with us and now it was on us to try and find our way back. We literally went round in the same circle for about 45 minutes, always ending up where we started. I was particularly exhausted and very irritated by this point and I just wanted to go back to the resort and relax. My dad had been driving for hours and must have been harboring the same feelings if not on a larger scale.

” Okay, whatever it is that has brought us here, show yourself!” he exclaimed.

We were at a dead end and we were tired. Then it happened! Just as my dad was reversing the car so we could retrace our steps (do we say steps for a car?) we saw it. The GIRAFFE . In its ever so glorious beauty, so so close to the car. It was literally about ten steps away ,blocking our path and it did not flinch, we were awe struck. Not that we had never seen a giraffe before, no. Just that it appeared at the utterance of those words and even more so because we all felt that warmth that she would bring. I felt it…my first thought was , MUM! and theirs was too, because after that, it was all they could talk about. How they know she is watching over them AND, we also found the way back almost immediately. I marveled at His sense of humor. I could almost hear His laugh. Oh gosh, God is so good.I  can’t tell you how that just changed our Christmas all together.  She was away that Christmas but very much present. It was all we needed to know.

Now you guys must think I am crazy. How I feel her presence in the weirdest things like the sun and the giraffe?But you know there’s no other way but this one. FAITH AND HOPE. It is important. To have faith that she is well and watching over us and hope that we will soon meet again.

It helps with the healing, knowing that she is just fine, It is great. It would really suck though if I found out that these were ways that helped me stay in a bubble, refusing to accept the reality. My brain better not be playing games with me. But is it my brain? or is it my heart? Or my soul? What has influenced this kind of behavior? I think it queer at times, but it helps me move on. Is it queer?

I promise you guys, I am not a delusional crazy YOUTH! (lol, still giggling at that word)… I am perfectly normal, You would never know half of these things if it wasn’t for this blog. But is it normal? I need to know whether people feel this way. You know,attach memories to things and when some particular event happens you pounce on it and claim it is your loved one?

For now though, the giraffe and the sun, My homeboys!! 🙂

Love and love,



It is described as unpleasant.

You fear things like dogs, or snakes or failure or God but that is a different kind of fear. The one I mean is that one that is there because threat is eminent. Cancer, my dear dear cancer(key in all sarcastic intonation) caused a fear to develop in me.Death. No not my own, I haven’t really thought about mine, but my Fathers.

This is such a scary post to write, because in no way do I want that upon him and if by writing this there is negative energy then I call on it to be cast away. Don’t worry. I am not about to preach, just saying no negativity. God forbid it in every way.

I fear death. I fear his death. Is it selfish that I ask God to lengthen his life and give him many many days so that he can be there for us? Yes for us, not for him, for us? See where the selfishness comes in?

When you lose a parent and you only have one more left, losing them is something you think about. Well I do, and it scares me. I Know many are orphans and they have lived and made it through, but I don’t think I can survive such a blow. Being alone?all alone? I cannot even begin to imagine it.

But out of this fear my father and I have become very close. I am very protective over him to the point that I text him to drive safe or come home if i think he has been working too hard. We have always been close…but even closer now. We have developed a trust level and I am at that point that I feel like I can tell him every little thing. Those things we wish to hide as youth like getting a tattoo if you have strict parents or having a boyfriend if your father is the “Who are you and what do you want with my daughter” type or even the “Shot gun” owning one. ( Wait those things seem too trivial, what intense things don’t youth want to tell their parents these days?) Guys we are YOUTH. Haha..I am so used to saying teenager.

I live in fear but  I guess that is another of the things I want to get rid of through this blog. Because it is silly to live in fear and then forget to live. To forget to share those special moments and to make those memories. You don’t know how many times my idle mind wanders when I email my dad and he doesn’t reply on time. and then I text my siblings and they don’t reply and I just go crazy. DO you ever go through this?Fear is not healthy. Fear makes me stressed. Living so far away from home is so hard but surprisingly I have managed, maybe it is working? The healing? Staying busy is definitely something that helps me keep that type of negativity at bay.

Don’t allow the C word to cause you to live in fear. Rather flip the coin in its face and choose to take all the positives from its doings. Fear is NOT one of those, so do away with that. Leave it all to God. He is in control.

But I shall still be selfish and ask you to say a prayer for my daddy. You know , too many prayers never hurt anyone 🙂

Thank you, Amen!!

Love and love,


no negative

” When I go, I want you to decide what is to be done with my clothes”

First I have to point out that, that statement sent unimaginable chills down my spine. It was the ” When I go”  that made me stop in my tracks. This was about two months prior and she was sounding as sure as ever that she was going somewhere and she wanted me to deal with her belongings but in particular her clothes. I don’t know If I want to write about the clothes or the fact that she was sounding so sure.

They say sometimes you know when you are about to go, I don’t know how true this is but I have a strong feeling that my mother knew. Conversations such as these behind closed doors that I have never shared with anyone before are the reason for my conviction. At this point I am not sure whether it was the Cancer but since this is that blog * is this line becoming a thing?*  I think when you have suffered from Cancer or just any disease for a long time, you might just know that you are about done fighting.

No… not that you are giving up. Just that, well, It really is time to take a breather you know? I feel like she knew. She took so many active steps within her last years but especially her last year, that when I think about it now, it is almost like she had an idea.

It started with her job resignation.

Guys I have never been more afraid before then, like I was on that day when she came into my room and was like ” I have resigned from work.” It is so so so selfish but the first thought that came to my mind was about how the hell are we going to survive. And I asked her, I was like ” Mum are you sure, what about living? Everything we have to pay for?” In my head I added, does that mean I can’t go shopping every so often? Will we have to wait like a year before we shop?( Selfish, I know. But it is human nature no? to be concerned with the material things in this life?We are to err, yes? Such weak and flawed beings we are) It is almost as if she read my mind though because the next thing she said was ” Don’t worry, nothing is going to change”

Because she knew, she had a plan. I think she had a plan because I am as fine as can be, we are fine and I am almost pretty sure she made sure of that. These months away in a foreign land, she handled that before she left. She pushed me to go for it and promised she would cover everything. Even in the end she asked about the progress ” Have you made sure everything is in place?”

And then next came her Personal Spiritual Life. It is better not to go into detail because that’s hers and God’s but I can tell you , she prepared for this part too and I am certain she is in Heaven, Like zero doubts. That smile on her face before she left, I am so certain. WE always pray that they are, I Pray that she is, but I also know that she is. 🙂

Now I lost my train of thought and the words are no longer flowing. Don’t you just hate when that happens? Maybe then back to her clothes? What do you do with their belongings? Everything is left as is because I have no idea what to do…I mean I have acquired new pieces thanks to my Mothers lovely sense of Fashion but they are also those that no matter how much I want them cannot fit me. So then what? Give them away? But doesn’t that mean I am letting go? That I will forget a piece of her? Having them is better , to make us feel like she is still there. But is that beautiful white summer dress going to rot in the closet?

I think this is one of the hard parts, having to do away with things that remind us of them. We don’t have to do away with them, but when we keep them and then what? Do you understand my dilemma? What did you do? When you lost them? What happened to their stuff? Did you feel guilty when you gave them away? That is if you gave them away. Do you still keep them? why? Help me? What did you do? I want to know.

As soon as when I write to you,

love and love,


You don’t know how much joy it gives me to know that  I am touching someone’s life out there. That I am helping them in their healing journey as I go through mine. One stone , two birds? That people are actually taking time out of their days to read through my blog posts and you guys know how much I write, and how we ONLY have 24 hours in a day and YET you still take time. Man,you guys are the Real MVP’s!!

I haven’t been blogging too long now. I can’t even start talking about that blogging life, but when I do, ignore that stuff. I don’t know nothing yet. They say its hard and requires commitment. Okay maybe not hard, is it hard guys? At the moment I am like a new born, I do a post everyday because I am so excited. Well except the weekends, ya’ll need breathing space.( The only reason I am not doing two is because I don’t want you guys to get tired, because I write so much.oops. sorry) Darn it, i just went off topic.

Back to it… what I was saying is that I have already received messages from people who are grieving too and how much I have influenced their journey to recovery and letting go.  There is no greater joy than this, the point of this blog was for me and to help ME to recover. BUT remember I said I had a band wagon? Yeah, I was secretly hoping that I get a number of people with me and I AM!!

I SHALL keep posting guys, I promise. But now this is the time I conform to all that blogger behavior and go like ” If there is any topic you specifically want me to touch on,please leave a comment below” I am not just quoting it. I am actually asking 🙂

I might forget some things about this whole journey that you might want to hear about. Like how I dealt with something back then, how we did something back then, how it is affecting me now, expert information maybe? I can try that one too.

ANYTHING really guys, TRY ME!! * comment section below, I’m waiting 🙂 *

Hahaha, you guys We will be fine! I don’t know why I laughed at the beginning there . I guess it’s just that realization that this life is really crazy but GOD is very much present and He promises we will be fine. Plans to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future? He ain’t kidding guys. I promise 🙂

Okay then, Il be out here waiting to hear what you guys have to say and hopefully the posts following this one will be specific to some of you.

CANNOT wait. Very excited.

Also, Happy Jamhuri Day my fellow Kenyans. Have a good one 🙂

Until later then,

Love and Love,


clappingFor you my loves xx

It is a bad habit. This one of not acknowledging your presence? I’m sorry. HEY! how are you doing ? Have you been well? Am I allowed to carry on? Only if you want me to , of course. Or a bit more TLC first? Yes I have been thinking about you, that’s how we are here today?Ca..can I now? Go ahead?Yes?Yes! Great!! 🙂

I have been reading too many blogs not to have picked up this tradition plus I feel two days of bombarding you with sad sad emotions is not fair,so maybe let us do this instead? It is happier anyway?well not really happy…but it is not sad,so that’s a win right? Let us do this then 🙂

Making : Plans to apply for a Visa. Travel the globe anyone?

Cooking: Do you cook dishes or prepare them? Preparing, a lot of new dishes lately, living alone really forces you into that Kitchen. My mum would be proud!

Drinking: Loads of water. I can count the number of times I have had a soda out here. If you have been trying to drink water so as to be healthier, try buying a ‘BOMB’ bottle. It works.

Reading: The telling error by Sophie Hannah. I have been reading this book since I got here. Don’t get me wrong, it is quite the read but between keeping up with school and satisfying my need to watch a movie or two everyday,well see where its got me.

Wanting: To bask under the sun at the Coast in Kenya.

Playing:Thinking out Loud by Ed Sheeran everyday before I hit the shower. This song though. I hope I don’t start hating it.

Wasting: A lot of time sleeping! Now that I am done for the semester, starting my day at a loose 3pm is quite fitting. lol

Sewing: Haha, Aggie maybe you can start teaching me?

Wishing: I had a proper heater in my room. This is a white standard heater, a girl from the tropics needs some extra extra . Do we say tropics? The people in the North and South are also in a tropic right? So why do we say tropics?gosh. I am panicking, i feel like all the Geography went out through the Window. 🙁

Enjoying: Writing this blog. I don’t know why it took me aeons. I am a shy girl, put me in a room full of people and I crumble. BUT, that doesn’t mean I am not thinking things… I wish I could say so many things but instead I just THINK them and then go home to play out how the scenario would have been had I said them. This blog though, my savior, my hands are doing the talking and the thoughts are SAID now…In writing, yeah But still!!

Liking: The response I am getting. I hope it helps someone out there. If I get too emo for you guys though, tell me, we can easily swap this for a fashion blog. Lol

Wondering: Whether I can manage to keep it strictly about Cancer. I ramble on and on about many things and now that I have a blog, i might just want to do it here. You know from Cancer to what I wore yesterday and then to how some people reason bothers me?lol

Loving: The fact that I have no school until next year!! 🙂

Marveling: At how I am hinting that fashion blog. I love it, fashion, but everyone has one, a blog I mean. I don’t want to get caught up and be “Another one of those fashion bloggers” to people, which is usually followed by some serious EYE ROLL! lol

Needing: I really need that heater.

Smelling: Of Strawberry body mist from body shop. I need to change fragrances and I don’t know to what , so this is my Limbo. lol

Wearing: My purple “High on Life” Jumper. This thing is the Shiznit!!!

Following: How to get away with murder as if my life depended on it. But scandal though, yoh( South Africans in the house?)

Noticing: body change. Exercise does work and so does eating #tears. But for real though, Sweat it and watch it make you smile! Soon il be hashtagging #isquat #iworkout #wateristhetruth #womenwholift , haha all those ones that people have come up with.

Knowing: That it will all get better with time.

Thinking: I have really changed in these 6 months, I might just come back and start talking like “You kenyans..” haha okay okay don’t judge me. I shall not. I promise. I am your home girl guys, chiiiiiil!!! 🙂


Bookmarking: the next page of the telling error? Is that what this question means? I N.E.E.D to finish this book.

Opening: my gmail account every so often. Thanks guys 🙂 I am overwhelmed by all the love. Keep reading and I shall keep writing.

Giggling: at how my Dad’s Friends Daughter’s son (wow that was a mouthful) speaks Swahili. Don’t get me wrong, he is so FLUENT! But there’s something about a white baby( okay not white,mixed race) speaking Kiswahili so fluently. It is so cute. I can’t help but giggle in amazement. FLABBERGASTED was definitely a feeling the first time the words dropped from his mouth. I LOVE this kid.

That’s it for today folks!! ( Was this from looney tunes?lol)



The reason is …

I spoke to an Aunt of mine the day before last and she happened to mention that they traveled upcountry. It was mums One year anniversary anyway right? Plus…the grave was now finally set in stone and they could make it prettier and all that.

I remember being very upset when I looked at her grave and it didn’t look appealing to me. Why isn’t there white marble stone around it? Why isn’t her picture not on the stone? WHY IS IT SO DAMN MESSY? I thought it was messy…i thought it was unfair. Turns out you have to let the stone and cement and whatever else sit in and then as tradition(We have had many funerals) we go back after one year and it is made ” pretty” so to speak.

I quickly texted my brother and asked him to send me pictures and It was beautiful. I broke down as usual and went through the photos again and again and again. It was everything I wanted for my mums resting place.

They didn’t tell me they were going, probably afraid it would touch a nerve and me being all the way in Sweden, well they really can’t help me out.

I don’t know if I would have had the strength to go back If I was home, there is no doubt I would find myself in Busia with the rest, but whether it would be easy for me? I have no idea. I am still afraid and my heart heavy and coming that close scares me…maybe seeing the grave is too much reality for me and I much rather like it when I imagine her being away at the hospital for a long stay.

Yeah, that’s what I do. I have convinced my brain that she is away on one of those long hospital trips and she will be back sooner or later. Thinking of her in a coffin, in a grave. That is too much for me to bear. My bubble is much better to deal with, the hospital one.

Is it Normal?That I am making my own reality so that I don’t plunge in too deep?That I am afraid to call it as it is just so that it doesn’t hurt? Have you lost a loved one?Do you push it away too? Are you afraid of their grave? Does traveling back there make you feel like you are re-living the most painful moment in your entire life? Did you deal with it?How? Tell me please?Comment section is there for a reason. Plus we are on this journey together aren’t we? Me and you? (Grammar alert, allow it) You and I? Us?

I hope that I get to the point of healing that I will very much like to travel Upcountry to see her and I can’t WAIT for such a time.

For now though, I am happy that they made it pretty. I am sure she likes it. I like it 🙂

” I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the Faith”  2 Tim.4 :7

I love you mummy.

love and love to my readers.


Some time at the beginning of this year we had to go to Busia, Western province. (That’s where my dad is from and where my mummy rests now) I think it was Easter. When we had to go, it was Easter. Now, going to my Father’s hometown for occasions like Easter is a normal thing but this year it was different.

We weren’t traveling with my mum in the car, seated at the co drivers seat. With her being in charge of the radio and changing the music once we had listened to a whole album. Finding out every once in a while if we were hungry and wanted the bananas that she had carried with her from home. Sausages anyone? How about a fruit? Are you sure you’re fine? ” Muuuuuum, please turn on the AC its so hot”  “MUUUUUUUM, Barbara is taking up too much space in the car”

Mum: ” Barbara, can you stop being mean to your sister!” oh how i miss getting lectured. You don’t know how much you miss it until she is no longer there to shout at you.

This year it was different. She wasn’t traveling with us in the car. No. She couldn’t. Not when Cancer made sure she wouldn’t be there for this Year’s Easter.

Now I couldn’t for the life of me explain to you what emotions I was going through but two days prior to our travel I became a different person. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I cried all the time. I really did not want to go upcountry for Easter and I demanded to be left behind. I was basically acting like a brat. OR at least that’s what it looked like. It seemed like I thought that I was too “cool”  to go upcountry and now that I was 21*lol, I hadn’t even celebrated my birthday yet* , I mean I could make my own decisions right?

Truth is ,I later learned , I was afraid to go back. I was afraid to have to see the grave site. It pained me that she was 6 feet or more under and there was nothing I could do. It hurt that I was going back for Easter  to celebrate something good but all I had were dark emotions. I never blamed God,Ever, but  I always wondered why He would do that to me.

And so it was that I finally traveled upcountry with my family, my eyes Red as tomatoes because I cried all the way from Nairobi to Kisumu.( Its about an 8hour drive to our hometown but my dad being the Formula One Race driver he is, Hi dad?, we clock it in about 6) It was just not the same…

My mum would get to cleaning the house whenever we got there and chase me around with dead insects(That is my greatest fear, insects, from the tiniest of them all to the largest of them, if you hate me, insects are your “light bulb” moment) this time there was no one chasing me. She would divide tasks between all of us, this time my dad was too afraid to ask lest I started a waterworks company with my tears.The women in the village wold come to greet my mother and offer their help with cleaning the house,this time we didn’t see anyone till much later. It was different.My mum was 6 feet under and I couldn’t even get myself to walk to her grave to say hello.

The reason I’m writing about her grave and her resting place is because…

well I will tell you tomorrow…

too many emotions for one day.

okay then, tomorrow my loves