eyes tears

It is okay to cry. It is okay to let tears flow.I know I said I don’t cry, but I only don’t cry(that sounds queer) in front of them. Otherwise, I CRY! ALL THE TIME!

They say girls are emotional, if you don’t believe it, maybe we should become friends just so that you know how far “emotional” goes. and then after that, key in that I am grieving. But( Never start a sentence with ‘but’, and well ,here we are *hides*) I am almost 100% sure you all know how emotional girls are. When those waves of missing her kick in, I cry, I cry myself to sleep, I cry before I leave the house, sometimes they come when I am in School…I don’t cry there but i try to be on my own very much at such a time because if someone was to ask me “Are you okay” the water works would give way and I would probably create a small lake around me.

I cry..no silly, not every single day of every month. My life isn’t so bad, I have been highly blessed and favored. I can’t show God how unappreciative I am. I am not the only one in the whole world who doesn’t have a mum.

What I am saying is that, when you need to cry, when you’re so sad and you cannot think of anything else, when there is that uncomfortable “kiwaru” ( Guys! The stats show that my readers are not only Kenyans, clap clap! Now, Kiwaru = Uncomfortable Knot? I think. In your throat)at the center of your throat that you can only get rid of when you cry…then cry my dear child, cry.

Whether it is your mother,father,brother,sister,friend,uncle or aunt,grams or gramps, Cancer or otherwise, just cry. You need to offload sometimes. It is therapeutic,crying. You release everything you have been holding in.You cleanse your soul and your heart AND your eyes, until the next time when you need cleansing.

Grieving is a process. It doesn’t take a month or two, a year or two, it might ,people are different, but then again it might not. You are allowed to have a few bad days where you just cry. It is part of the healing. Don’t be afraid to. Those who love you will understand when you cry in front of them. your friends? They will understand. If you have kids like me though, maybe let us cry in the bathroom? I think so.

okay now( I think this is becoming a thing),go cry and then have a lovely day ๐Ÿ™‚

I shall write again soon( Probably tomorrow)

Love and love,

B.

tears 2

good tears

Cancer does that. She did that to me. But today I shall lay off. I don’t wish to give her too much airtime. Smug little piece of…. No I shall not. She isn’t even worth it.

Claiming mothers though, not cancer, Me! I have been claiming mothers. You see I still need a mother figure and not to replace or be a mother to me ( My mum did a remarkable job) but more like just to feel that warmth in my heart sometimes.You know how mothers give you that?

If you have lost a mother, you probably can relate. How you you start claiming someone else’s mum ( mostly your friends)? How you want to have conversations with them or just to wish them a good day? No? Well i just noticed I have been doing this a lot of late.

I have gone to my friend Stephanie’s house countable times, we haven’t been friends for too long (Those of you who think i’m claiming your friend too, relax,not her ,just her mum,lol) but I may very well have fallen in love with her mother. Has Musho’s mum ever given you a hug? Has she offered you tea or coffee at her house?and then gone ahead to drop a sarcastic or funny comment that left you in tears?(happy tears just so we are clear) I really feel the motherly love from this remarkable woman and when she asks Stephanie to send me a hug, oh i die.

I didn’t stop there though, I am collecting mothers as I go. I am currently in Sweden and Diana fell victim to this, what shall we call it?abomination? absurd behavior?, whatever, she fell victim. She was meant to be like the figure that shows me around here and helps me get by and she may or may not be close with me, all that mattered is that we had some sort of relation. But no…trust me to make Diana my swede mum!! I love her to pieces. You know the types of houses where you go and you know where everything is in the kitchen and which sofa is the most comfortable?Yeah. That’s her place. I even have a room in her house for sleep over nights!!! Vad kul! Du ar mamma, Diana ๐Ÿ™‚ Tack sa mycket.

Text message: “Hi Barbie, how are you? Are you with Vaneeh?”ย  My best friend’s mum and I are texting buddies. Two to three texts that are not about her daughter makes us texting buddies right? Well i have insisted, we are! I call her mum too. Vanessa gives me a good laugh, her mum though? I could spend hours on end with her and I wouldn’t mind if Vanessa wasn’t there.Her house is home too, sleepovers? More like ” I am coming to use and wear the clothes I left here last time.” And with her it is even more mother like, she says no to us together. No not just Vanessa and then I can break the rules. Nope, No as in “Barbara my dear daughter, I said no” I love her. Please text me soon mum, sawa? Claimed mother? Very much so!

His mum. My good friend remember? From now on he shall go by El jefe,lol. Anyway,El Jefe’s mum? I claimed her too…now her place is like my second home. Call in to check at hers if you cannot reach me, I will probably be there. The atmosphere and energy I get when I am at her house is amazing, calming, homely! I love it there. I think if I get into particulars about how close we are (or how close I am insisting we are?I feel we are close, are we close?lol) you might judge me so I would rather not. But being one of the people who finishes the sweet Bananas in her house, I think you can figure it out. I even find it hard to call her by her name or aunty so and so.

You know how we Kenyans do that? OR do other people do it as well?maybe it is not just Kenyans.. But how someone who is not your real aunt becomes ” Aunty…” because you don’t want to be disrespectful and use their first name? Well even this “polite” way of addressing her doesn’t sit well with me. I can’t get myself to do it. It’s either “Hi mum” or just “Hi”ย  I always mutter the “mum” under my breath though, I must admit. Boys are over protective with their mums. I think she hears it though ๐Ÿ™‚ย  Mummy number 4 down!

I am doing well ๐Ÿ™‚

Well this post is just an appreciation post for all those ladies who have made me feel like I can go back to being a daughter for a bit. Those who have shown me love and made me realizeย  that despite that storm, it really is not a bad life. I have them at least. Thank You Mummies!

Daughters and Sons I am not taking them, you can have them, but treat them well,otherwise, i don’t mind being “Favorite daughter” ever! Parents do this you know? Where your friends are better than you? lol. Watch out ๐Ÿ™‚

Have a good one,

love and love

B.

mother

Are you battling cancer?Do you know anyone battling cancer?

Aside from all that Chemo therapy and transplants and the unimaginable number of pills you have to take,( Those pills though,we literally had a mini pharmacy at home. Don’t get too excited though, just a cancer pharmacy not all sicknesses,sorry guys) positivity is another of those everyday things you have to “take” so to speak.

You have to be positive with this disease otherwise I kid you not it will eat away at you faster than you can comprehend. Do not give it that power. It really does thrive off bad vibes.

She lived 6 years post cancer, her South African Doctor, Professor Novitsky called her his ” Success story”. Aside from all that was done to help her beat this disease, her positivity was a great contributor to how long she survived. She didn’t think about it as cancer but just another disease that she would get healed of. She was not afraid of Cancer. She did not loom in misery because she had cancer. You would never know she had cancer if you met her. You know how I said I don’t want a pity party, I must have got it from my mama because neither did she.

If you were going to visit her and then linger on the subject of her cancer and “how are you getting by?are you in pain? ” she probably would be careful to have you over the next time. That was negativity that she knew would finish her. She didn’t want it.

In this time she found out a friend of hers had cancer too and on top of giving him the tips to healthy living and what he should do and not do, eat and not eat , she asked him to remain POSITIVE.

Its hard to remain positive when you have cancer. You feel like you could go any minute. He panicked. He could have stayed longer, It is possible to survive more than a year or two, if it is called out in its early stages. I believe it is possible. I think he passed on two years after diagnosis. May his soul rest in Peace.

The point is though… Be positive. Don’t let it drag you down, don’t change your lifestyle just because you have cancer. Sure you have to watch what you eat now and what you expose yourself to. But don’t stop living even before its time. Keep going out on dates, keep driving your children to school, take the holiday to Europe you had been saving for ( I have to tell you guys about that one soon) KEEP LIVING. It is not the End until HE says it is the end don’t let cancer coerce you into forcing HIM to take you before your time. ( I don’t know if people go before their time, we always say it was God’s plan, sometimes though I like to think we can extend it? I don’t know..religion, life and death, such a tricky subject)

So promise me? She did 6 years, maybe you can do 12? 12 though, such an achievable goal,maybe for the rest of your life? You know they could find the cure mid way and then BOOM! For the rest of your life is a reality! Promise me to stay positive?

Okay, now that we have an agreement, I am at peace.In your face Cancer, #mylifemychoice!

Till the next time I plan to bore you with long essays,

love and love

B.positivity

No, not my own flesh and blood. No scratch that, my own flesh and blood. Flesh? Okay I don’t know if i want to get into that. But basically, not of my own womb but mine all the same. I really cannot wait to have my own kids though, I think if you truly know me then you know that I am in LOVE with babies and I cannot stop gushing about how I want my own. When the time is right, of course, but that doesn’t mean I am any less excited.

Whatย  I mean though, Cancer gave me kids!

Today last year, I became a mother STAT! I didn’t have 9 months to get used to the idea, it was happening, it happened, “take a seat with this whole used to the idea thing,” life said, “You are now a mother.ACT like it”

You see some people are usually prepared when death is lurking whether it is in form of Cancer or any other sickness, you know its coming so you start preparing. For me this was not the case. Sure she had Cancer for 6 years of her life but DEATH? It never crossed our minds. I mean NEVER.

My mother was/ is my number one strong woman.( Because there are many strong women out there). For me though, my mum is numero uno and then all the rest. She fought this disease so zealously so much so that her getting admitted was just another one of those things. Like a vacation to the hospital so that we can get to have ice cream every night before we went home, for free ๐Ÿ™‚ Hah, free…the hospital bills. Free my ass. But still…it was just something else that had become routine. We always knew she would be out and kicking. She always came home.

Bone marrow transplant?Nailed that! ICU take one?Been there ,done that! She literally had no chill with this disease. She was taking it head on.

So yeah ( Is it proper to write like this?) when she left i had to take up her roll with immediate effect! I had to MAN up and be there for my Children. (My siblings if you are still lost) I had to be strong for them. I had to say, everything will be okay.

I FAILED MISERABLY! My sister was literally hugging me in her tiny arms saying “Barbz don’t cry, mummy wouldn’t want you to cry. She is in a better place” My sister, the 13-Year old. It was hard for me…with my two decades of life and she was the one being strong. I cried for days on end, crying myself to sleep was the routine.After frequent pep talks from my YOUNGER siblings, crying myself to sleep would follow.

And then that morning when my brother broke down…it was about 5 In the morning. Being the man of the house other than my dad, he had been holding it in and staying strong for his sisters. But that kind of life change, you break , you have to, before you can stand up again.

I was broken, I knew i had to become that mother and I had to do it immediately.So the role I acquired on the 2nd of December became mine to practice. Crying in front of them was a no no! Fighting over useless things like the remote was a no no. Which mother physically fights their daughter for a remote? Well unless they are toddlers and they are doing something crazy like eating it. But you know what I mean.

So today marks one year of being a mother! I have really grown to be honest. In the way I think and reason. Those motherly instincts kicked in. I don’t go anywhere or do anything without thinking about my siblings and how they need to benefit before I do. Their happiness is my key priority and I can’t tell you how being away from them right now is hard.

So hey if you see my kids around, tell them I miss and Love them. Of course i tell them every chance I get but between the last born being at a “too cool to text my mother” teenage age and the 1st born soaking in all the perks of being at home after four years of Boarding, lets just say I don’t get to tell them everyday.

Otherwise, 1 Year Anniversary mummy, continue to rest in Eternal peace.

I miss and love you.

B.

DSC_0114

Or December 1st? Well the first day of the month of December.

On this day last year i was at Nairobi hospital walking in and out of the ICU ward, bed 5 to be specific.

This was the last bed she slept on. She was there for about 4-5 days? Now I am not too sure, how embarrassing, after i claimed to know exact details of this day yesterday on twitter. Anyway it was about that number of days.

She lay there not moving…life support basically doing everything for her but she looked brighter. She had this glow, the previous days were discouraging it was not hard to look at her and give up,give up prayer and hope. She looked really bad..but on the 30th and the 1st, according to me she looked great! I was hopeful. I repeated a joke she had made with me on her first day in the ICU when she could still speak. I hoped that it would just add on to those things she had heard through out the week that were meant to give her motivation to come out of the comma, to fight through and just wake up. I think she heard me…but i don’t think it was enough motivation.

I kissed her and said see you tomorrow.

And then tomorrow…..

No longer in Bed 5. The say it was early morning on the 2nd but it could very well have been on the 1st as well. Well anyway, first December is the last time i spoke to her.

They told me in the morning, we woke up to singing in our sitting room and I just knew it was all said and done. I still hoped though, and told myself to stop having negative thoughts maybe they were just inspired to have praise and worship? But you know that bond you have with your mother, the umbilical cord and all else? When she goes, it truly does feel like they have left. You feel it in your soul, in your very being. So I knew, i just wanted to be wrong.

She lay there still,wrapped in white bedding. She had a smile on her face. I think just the fact that the pain was all gone was a contributor to that smile but peace too was a factor. She was at peace.

I think December will always be one of those months that I am most vulnerable. Thank God for the Christmas spirit though, at least things will be balanced out. A little sadness and a little happiness. Hills and valleys. High times and low times. It is what life is about at the end of the day. It was never going to be a smooth journey…you just have to be able to rise above the storm. I’m far from there but very well on my way, join my bandwagon if you can relate. The best is yet to come. Death. Its not the end, well unless it is your own but only an end here on this earth. Heaven is real and yes I just insinuated that I would very much like to be right next to y’all in the choir stands in Heaven when the Lord calls us. Heaven is for us.

So its time…Let me be the first, Merry CHRISTMAS! just like in advance you know? ๐Ÿ™‚ Of course 25th will be filled with that saying from me to you. But today as well..I am feeling the Spirit , I hope you are too:)

okay now,

love and love and happy new month,

B.

Wasn't she a beauty?
DSC_0169 Wasn’t she a beauty?

So i have to do a post about this title too. I know it might be a little too much when i just started this blog but i guess we can say i am fired up about it? Or i have a lot of time on my hands?or just maybe i want to get in as much writing now so that it compensates for the days that i don’t leave you a love letter here? I read numerous blogs and i get so frustrated when the writers do not keep me constantly fed with new information. I totally understand though…there are so many things people have to do other than blogging and i know the “bloggers sickness” shall attack me too so this is for those times when i am not able to say hi?

So then let us get to it.

The C-Word. You know how people do that to words? Like completely shorten them and leave just but the first letter and then add “word” to it? And they usually do that with words that are “not meant” to be said out aloud either because it is “bad manners” or people are not too comfortable just openly saying the word?

Well…that’s where i got the concept from but mine was more like when Lord Voldemort had to be called “The dark Lord” other than his actual name. You see he was all evil and all that bad stuff that it was just better not to say his name. It is the same with cancer. I hate her so much…maybe it should be a “he”? What pronouns are given to diseases anyway?

Him,Her,It….you can choose.So anyway…Cancer. I am sure i am not the only one having this hate relationship with cancer and I am just praying that they find a cure, in my lifetime or thereafter but at least before the world ends? And well if that happens tomorrow then I guess it was just a long shot.

Cancer can be defined simply as a disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body.

Leukemia= a malignant progressive disease in which the bone marrow and other blood-forming organs produce increased numbers of immature or abnormal leukocytes. These suppress the production of normal blood cells, leading to anaemia and other symptoms.

Leukemia is a type of cancer.

Leukemia helped death claim my mummy’s life.

So yes,,that’s why Cancer and that’s why that title.

Appropriate?I think so ๐Ÿ™‚

I am quickly just going to type another post now, so sit tight?

always,

B.

As i break my blogging virginity, thank you for having me wordpress. Hopefully we can build a sweet sweet relationship and i can upgrade from having this free website? Hopefully.

And now to you my readers( Hoping that i have,will have readers) only the warmest greetings as i venture into this world of blogging.Hi!

I would like to quickly point out that i will be using this blog as some form of release, therapy whatever you may . It might,,probably will, get very emotional but please do not mistake it for being a pity party. My intention is only to write genuinely and from the heart not with holding anything,this way it feels like I am talking to someone and just offloading baggage from my heart and my mind. See I am on this losing belly fat journey and “manage stress” is one of the “to do” things in order to be successful.But i digress, the point i am trying to make is that through this blog i am able to offload thoughts,worries, fears etc that may cause me stress. I have to say that mostly emotions especially related to death and cancer.

I guess you can say this is how i am dealing with it.

So yes, no pity parties. I am okay..i really am…but sometimes the tsunami tides are real and i might just need to be a tad emotional you know? Also i know that this is not something unique to me, it is a universal struggle and thus i am hoping that i can relate with those that are walking through a similar dark tunnel and just need to hear they are not alone that someone out there (me) is going through the same thing. We are in this together? i hope so.

I do not think ANYTHINGย  I have said so far relates to the title of this post so we need to add in a few sentences here to justify its place? So yesterday i was rambling on twitter throwing emotions all over the place (until today that was my “release” platform) and my friend Sally tweets me and goes ” @Barbiebrizzle(yes that is my handle,so weird, i know) start that blog then. Whatever it takes ๐Ÿ™‚ ” What i picked from that was “JUST DO IT.” In upper case because it felt like she was nudging me to take the step. The step towards healing and recovery and letting go. Or she could also just have been finding a way for me to take my ramblings elsewhere, anywhere that was not on her news feed. (is it called a news feed on twitter? I have been using Facebook so much of late because it is a thing in Sweden.) But i know Sal and i am positive it was the former , she just wants the best for me. Sally thank you!!

I couldn’t think of a better time to actually start this blog than the 1st Of December 2014, well the important thing is the month. December is where it ended and started. We might or might not walk back 6 years when it REALLY started, we shall see.

I am not sure whether this blog will take a turn from cancer but if it does, then a name change will be in order.

Otherwise just to welcome you all to my platform if you are all about that emotion and gay stuff.

love and love,

B