Have you ever wanted to escape?

To run away from it all?

From the hustle and bustle? The pressure and the stress?

To just ran away because you don’t want to deal at that particular moment?

To take a break, to relax, to have time for YOU?

To have time for you without having to do your EYEBROWS! (Bruh, the struggle is real! Lol)

Why not #TembeaKenya to a county you have never been to? A weekend away with friends, good food, laughter, love and a whole lot of new memories?

My thirst for travel is real and I think I am rubbing it off on my friends. I can’t seem to sit still and after Ethiopia, I still felt like I was not done. I was not “balling” enough to travel out of the country but I needed to scratch. I was itching for new adventure, new lands, I was itching to travel.

I reached out to my friend Vanessa and laid it down for her, there were no options, it was Travel or Travel. I got the ball rolling and she got the plans in place. Nyandarua county was not ready for the 10 eager young adults coming it’s way.

Only though, WE were NOT ready for Nyandarua county!!!


Hi Mum…

I still can’t believe you’re gone. It’s going to be two years soon and to me it feels like yesterday. Your absence is still strongly felt and it all just seems so unreal.

I find myself wondering how people who have lost their parents for a longer period have survived.

In the past two months alone I have met a good number of people who seem to have the same story ” I lost my mum when I was…” “My dad passed away last year..” “I lost both my parents at… ” What is common with all of them, however, is that you would never tell that they carry such burdens!

When these things happen you always think you’re the only one hurting in this way even when you know for certain you aren’t the only one. I get inspired by these type of people everyday and I know that I will be just fine without you.

Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you though.

As a matter of fact,I miss you so much I have started seeing you around of late.

I see you in different people. Random People. People I know. Anyone and Everyone really.

Its not once that a woman has walked in my field of vision and I have thought “Mum” …sometimes I have had to hold myself back from actually saying it aloud.

They stand in a certain angle and you flash right infront of my eyes but just as fast , you’re gone! They laugh and you are right there but not for too long.

I see you in mothers who go shopping with their daughters hand in hand like bestfriends and  think ” That could be us but the way Cancer is set up…..”

I see you in my sister! Her strong Character at such a young age, her commanding nature, and not in a bad way. The way she carries herself around.

I see you all the time mum and sometimes I wish I could freeze your Image just a bit longer! I wish I could rewind back time. I just wish, I wish…

I haven’t told you though how much grandma reminds me of you! My imagination has convinced me that if i was lucky enough to see you age you would look exactly like her! Identical! Her laughter reminds me of you and so does the curve of her front teeth, I have that too….your sisters say It makes me look a lot like you…actually they are already saying I look exactly like you!

It was concours the other day. Do you remember how excited you would get over it? Mainly because you would get to dress up? Ahhh good times….I wore all white like you did on your last ever concours event three years ago. I even wore your white hat. I know, I know, I copied your look. Guilty as charged! What can I say, you got  had style girl!                                          DSC_0169


Anyway, I just thought I should say Hi, especially after a lady walked past me two days ago and I could have sworn it was you. How is it without the pain and the endless joy and happiness there? Are you okay? I hope you are.

Rest well and see you soon.

Love B.

p.s. Kisses for you IMAG0290

And the symptoms keep kicking in…

You begin to drop them. Like a bag of hot potatoes..but more like throw them away, like a pair of torn clothes.Actually more like gold plated jewelry that you were convinced was gold until it stopped glittering.

Their true colors finally came to light and they were ugly, just despicable. Nothing you want to associate yourself with anymore. Too scared to have the nickel rust on your finger by trying to convince yourself it was once gold. You are too grown for that kind of friendship.Those kinds of friendships.

The kinds that are a one way street. The kinds that you put in all the effort. The kinds that solely depend on YOU being a part of that friendship otherwise then its existence is,well, non- existent.

I mean sure you would hang out every once in a while when YOU made the effort to plan a date but now that you think about it there was not much of substance to the friendship. Value added?If you can barely come up with two ways in which the friendship made you a better person then it was / is definitely just a convenient co relation but far from a friendship.

You see ,when you start to feel grown,I started to feel grown, I was easily able to discern and notice the weeds in my garden of flowers and it was time to do some weeding.

When you’re younger you don’t really pay attention to some things because at that time it is all about having a good time and whose house you will be sleeping over at next. You can tell when someone is being weird but you brush it off as them being jealous or going through the motions. You give five to ten chances because they helped you enter the club the last two times you were stopped anyway or they picked you up from home. OR you’re just OBLIVIOUS. You’re such a nice soul you can never imagine that someone doesn’t have your best interest at heart. That they are just using you to get what they truly want and all else is just a facade. You’re naive and innocent, you are just out after the good in them.

But (I need to stop breaking grammar rules) then you grow up and realize that you have no space in your life for such “friends” and you have to let them go. You could barely count your friends using your hands and now they probably do not add up to 10. I hear it is part of the process.


The older you get, only those that truly matter, those who had no ill motives, those who were not around because you could hang with them when they were alone, those who were always true and hell bent on making sure that the friendship thrives, you realize that they are all you need.

Eventually, they become all you want. You build connections so deep and have elevating and growing relationships that starting the process again seems dis-inviting. (I’m not advocating for “no new friends ” by the way, sometimes those types of friends are around the corner waiting to meet you).

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Recently an acquaintance(I use this with no disrespect, it just is, what it is) happened to mention how she had noticed that I had “dropped” some friends but that she thought through it I had matured a whole lot and I was not the same person I was a few years back.

While I did not technically “drop” the said friends, we had indeed become distant. Life happens sometimes and it becomes difficult to keep tabs with everyone and that is okay, what got my attention is that she had noticed growth and this led me to look back at my friendships keenly.

It was indeed true that I had dropped quite a number of fake friends without a deliberate intention to and now that I look back on it, I am glad I did.I now wanted to keep the friends that made an impact, those that inspired me, those that pushed me to the limit so that I could be great, those that scolded me when I was doing something wrong. Those that held me when relationships went south, those that forced me out of toxic relationships that I couldn’t get myself out of, those that I could hang out with without having to exert myself so much. The friends that I could go over to their houses only for us to end up taking a nap. The type of friends they write about on those Instagram quotes that have us going “Friendship goals”

friendhsip goals

Life seems much easier now. The drama that once was, is no more. The lies and deception are no more. There is no more being thrown under the bus and just swallowing it because so and so is your “friend” and she probably didn’t mean it. No more giving fifth chances to people who did not even deserve the second.

You grew up and you didn’t even know you did, I guess we are just wired that way. At one point you have to clean out your system. Just like the ocean does around this time with all the seaweed. You know who you need now and those who indirectly say “You don’t need me” get thrown out. You surely don’t need them. Many a times it is a pity, but it is never a decision you regret.

You grow up and you begin to filter out the unnecessary, you only require those that will be with you by your death bed and not those who will turn up at the funeral out of guilt because they did not return your phone call or reply to your message.

You grow up, you come of age.

So with Shonda playing with our emotions these past two weeks and my “holiday” or lack of it, giving me a complete headache, I had to take a trip down South. I had to take all my woes to the ocean…I had to let them go with the wind. I simply needed, to let my hair down and just exhale. Exhale all the exhaustion, stress, drama, work load, everything!


How Long over due is this post though? Blame it on how stressful my life is at the moment. I need a vacation or two with the way things are going to be honest. All the same though, It is finally here.

Making: A lot of noise as I break this Ice cube in my mouth. Is this a bad habit? Is it bad for my teeth?

Cooking : The menu for this week has Honey dipped pork chops included in it and boy am I EXCITED! I made Lasagna last week and it gave me quite the rush. I love being in the Kitchen. It sucks that I can’t do it everyday.

Drinking : Soda! It has started creeping up back into my diet, I NEED TO STOP!

Reading :I haven’t read my novels in weeks 🙁 I got caught up with school. This is bad.

Wanting: CHANGE! Change is good. Some people are afraid of change and rightfully so. However,being able to move from your comfort zone, into a “new” zone, one that brings positive change of course, is essential for your growth. EMBRACE IT!

Playing : 4- 5 Seconds by Rihanna, Kanye and Paul McCartney. LOVE IT!

Wasting : Time sleeping. I am annoyed at this!

Wishing : I could rewind my life back to last year December and January this year. I was mentally, Physically and emotionally at a good place. Right now?Not so much.

Enjoying : Being off the grid. Taking a break from social media every once in a while is healthy. A NICE CLEAN breath of fresh air. * Too much repetition in that sentence but only for emphasis 🙂 *

Liking : My squat progress!!Lol.

Wondering: How is that GPA gonna go up? The studies are literally murdering me.

Loving: My friends Company. The type that shows up at my house on a Friday morning for breakfast and ring the Bell like they own the place. After which studying for like ten minutes follows and then DANCE SESSION till dark. I love you all from here to the moon and back times INFINITY! See you Friday?

Marveling : at online series watching. I mean I knew it existed but I was addicted to downloads,,,This side of the grass though, Too green. lol

Needing: To disappear for a few days. Put myself together and start again? Recollection is always a good thing no?

Smelling : Of my perfume duuh. lol

Wearing: A black maxi dress…The weather has outlined the essentials.

Following :EMPIRE….finally! But Guys what was the hype? I mean Cookie is quite something but other than  that? Sigh….as Vanessa, Joy and Feizal eyeball me. Lol

Noticing : That I can make or break me. Just me alone. I DEFINE ME. It is up to ME! I need to stop blaming other people.

Wishing you guys a wonderful month, just in case I am not able to write to you soon. I am sure you understand.

God bless,

love and love


She said, ” Whatever you decide, make sure it is your drug of choice.” She explained that many things on this earth have a drug element to them. Where you need those things but eventually they will eat away at you and its on you to decide how fast you want to go.

Looking at it like that is quite harsh but lets make it more real. For example,something simple like dating someone. Everyone has their flaws, but are their flaws something you are ready to deal with in the long term? His smelly feet or his quick temper. He is so so cute but he is extremely lazy, Take it or leave it? He is everything you want in a man but he is not goal oriented which for you is an essential.Can you compromise? Is he your drug of choice?

In an ideal situation where you get to chose where you work, the crammed office or the comfortable office space? Black coffee or Green Tea? Smirnoff black Ice or Jack Daniels? White Wine or Red Wine? They all do something to your liver, of course not the coffee and tea but the others,and so then… What is your drug of choice?

In a supermarket, depending on how much your debit card has. I believe debit is the best way to go btw…Hustle and make your money, and then you can spend as you wish because it is YOURS! anyway, so yes, the eggs that cost 25 Sek or the ones that are 13 Sek? Frozen meals or onions to go make the meal at home? A product made purely of sugar or the same snack with less sugar? Diabetes today or next week? What is your drug of choice?

Becoming a Junky and doing drugs or occasionally taking a whiff of petrol whenever you are at the gas station. Lol

I am not sure if i have made it any clearer, I have a feeling that I have somewhat distorted the meaning or not given adequate examples. However, for me that is the best advice I have got this year that I am carrying on to 2015. Quite fitting that we had that talk only a few days ago when the year is coming to a close.

Many decisions you make in life have consequences and you only have yourself  to blame when it was not the right one. Asking myself if a certain thing would be my “drug of choice” before I make a decision on it appeals to me. If my answer is Yes then I know I shall not regret it and if it is No, then, well, I have to think real hard because if it is not something I am ready to deal with then why the hell go on and pick it you know?

haha it sounds so black and white, oh the lies of ideal situations. BUT…

I sense easier decision making in the year to come and I couldn’t be more delighted. I hate being so lost when I have to decide on something. I know that this does not mean the decisions will be made in one go but at least my vision will be less obscure. More clear.

and il drink to that, Cheers to this lovely piece of advice,

Joy I pick you as my drug of choice of a confidant and adviser,

I love you.

and my readers always!

My heart,


She should be your best friend. She who carried you for nine months and then went on to take care of you up to this point, THAT woman right there? She should be your best friend.

Because this is that Cancer blog, well mostly emotions as a result of ,but still Cancer, I shall mention him on a regular or blame him here and there. It is his fault anyway and yes today cancer has taken a male persona.

Anyway He taught me a little too late that my mother should be my best friend.But like BEST FRIEND…I don’t know how else to put it to emphasize that I don’t mean the normal type. The ones you fight with and then make up with?With this one..”fight” should be a word your mouth knows not how to pronounce. Your tongue just does not have the strength to roll over to make out that word. That Ideal situation, made a reality.

Sure we were friends sometimes but we fought sometimes too just like any mother and daughter.And those times, the fighting times, He has made me regret them. They say fights strengthen relationships but I urge you to strengthen this relationship with any other means possible. Anything else, Everything else but conflict.He has made me wish that those times I spent sulking should have been spent kissing her forehead or rubbing her feet.

But we cannot let that happen to you. So now listen carefully!

BE her best friend.

Don’t have time to fight or sulk. You are both grown ups, both women( I don’t know why I am assuming I have female readers only, but if you are male don’t feel left out, listen too) both with different mindsets, both very similar but different in many ways too. So it is no shock that you will fight or have arguments ( El Jefe keeps repeating those sentences to me every time I whine about regret to him,i have almost mastered the phrase) but don’t let the sun go down without calling it truce and hugging it out. It is not worth it. Plus quite frankly, the regret will haunt you. But we are dealing with that too right? Regret?yeah.

Go out on dates,text her often,buy her a gift,cook for her,hug her and kiss her on the forehead( When my mum was sick she became like a little child and a kiss on the forehead is what I do with little children and so i gave her many of those) tell her about your relationships.I wish I told my mum about my relationships so that we could laugh and gush over them and so that when I was hurting she would advise me. I really envy those who share and have the opportunity to share relationships in particular, with their mums.. If you don’t already, you better get to it. I have no band wagon for this one. I am trying to jump ship so yes get to it. Regret is not worth it.

If you forget everything you just read at least remember this,foster a good relationship with your mother. Your father too, but today my stress is on mothers. It is important. You never know when they will not be around and you can’t be the type that goes ” I wish I…” That’s me,,,It is not a fun “type” to be.

Remembering how she would light up when we were in a “friends” phase and how she would get so excited to be around me is comforting, at least not all of them were sulky days, I just wish(this is what i’m talking about) I could trade the sulky days for best friend days just to have added memories of her beautiful smile.

So guys remember, BEST FRIENDS! Plus there is something about blessings and parents in the bible too. Don’t do it for the blessings though, that should just be an added bonus.

My mum and I talk. I tell her everything, she responds sometimes. When the sun shines when it really looked like it wasn’t going to show, that’s my mum. In her last months, sitting under the sun for a good dose of Vitamin D became routine. It became a thing. The sun was our thing. ( Sweden has been transitioning into winter but the sunshine that we had on the 2nd and 3rd, guys, MY MUM!!) I might sound crazy but oh well. These types of thoughts keep me going. Hope is good. I LOVE YOU MUM. It really isn’t the same though, conversations with a spirit, so take advantage now.

Tell her you love her.

Okay now my loves,

until a later date.or tomorrow if I am inspired.


dear mom