Tag

death

Quell.

Quelling.

I can’t seem to quell the feeling.

The missing, the longing, the wishing…

Each time I do a post like this, I seem to always have some sort of secret hope that it will be the last time that I have to write about how much I miss my mother. That at some point or another I will become attuned to the reality, the one without her in the picture. However, this just does not seem to be happening.

It doesn’t get better, it is even worse when you’re in a distant land and alone.

My dreams are back, the one’s of her. She is always so present until I wake up and then she is not.

I miss my mum.

Image By: @gdm.offthewall (Instagram Handle)

I long for the times and the memories we will never share. I constantly think about how, in another reality, I would be ringing her weekly, maybe daily, to tell her about my time here.

A quick phone call on my way to school probably explaining how full the tube was and hence the source of my coming cold because you know, contagious diseases, enclosed stuffy spaces, zero degree weather.

Another phone call, on a Sunday afternoon after church, window shopping on Oxford Street, “ What would you like me to get you? My gift to you,” I would say and she, “ Have you seen any nice culottes?” She loved culottes, even before they were thing. She had this green pair, I think its still in her wardrobe. I always thought they were a weird piece of clothing…until now 🙂

I really do miss her.

It is a letter to heaven but addressed to just one.

The third or fourth of its kind that I have penned down.

A letter to the one who gave me life and led me through it for 20 years.

An open letter to the one whose role I now play, 4 years later.

4 years, it has been 4 years but it only feels like yesterday.

An open letter to my queen in heaven, the one I called mom.

We had cake in our mouths, lol

How time flies.

In a few days, we will be having her memorial service.

A full year has gone by…another one.

Yet another year that we wish would have been spent in her presence.

Another year of hows and what ifs. A year of tears and laughter. Another year of sadness and happiness. All the motions that we only wish we would have gone through with her by our side.

I have not cried in a while. I forced myself to forget but also, apparently, it does get better in time.

“They say time’s supposed to heal you, but I ain done much healing”

I have probably spent close to three hours looking for pictures of  you. Going through everything I had in my archives made me realize that behind the camera is where you liked to be! You wanted to be the one to capture the moments and keep them close! But then again the “selfie” wasn’t as big in your time….lol

I found pictures though, turns out other people liked you in front of the camera and giiiiiiiiiiiirl I know why! You stunning pretty little miss thang! 🙂

Today was hard mum, i never thought it would be, but there’s something about having you as my first thought when I wake up and you remaining just that, a thought! There’s no option to call or text, there’s no planning of dates because I miss you, nothing….just a Hello from the other side 🙁

I’m sorry my “hello” came with tears but when it comes to you my tears run through uncontrollably,especially when we are out here  talking about how ” It’s been two years since…” An uncontrollable faucet…

I was absolutely unproductive today! I did nothing but stare at your pictures . Ocassionally I got distracted with the internet and its wonders but then my thoughts were quickly re-directed to you.

“Are you okay?” That had to be the hardest question I had to answer all day. How do I say yes when I mean no because im busy trying to avoid a pity party, and at the same time push back the tears at the brim of my eyelids just waiting for that trigger emotion?

It was hard, but easier than it was two years ago when I got the horrible news. Definitely easier than when I saw you wrapped up in that white linen. Much easier mum,than when I had to pay you tribute and the words were being blocked by hot tears and i really had to force myself to pull it together.Easier than when I had to let you go six feet under, alone. Much easier mum, but hard all the same.

I don’t know why you can’t be here today, I don’t know why you have to miss all my big moments, I don’t know why I don’t have the chance to tell current stories and have an ” In fact my mum said….” or “My mum was asking…”

Let me not be selfish though, I am glad PAIN is not a word in your vocabulary! That Joy, laughter and sunshine are the order of your days. I am glad that you are well. I believe that you are well.

This was me just checking in, a hello from the other side on your anniversary!

Stay well pretty,

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I LOVE YOU.

B

XX

Disclaimer : I wrote this post 3 months ago and I just stumbled upon it as I was going through my archives. Many times I pen type my thoughts and emotions etc but I rarely get to publish. For one reason or another the posts are not publish worthy and I save them in my archives and keep it moving. This one in particular did not make it because I felt that I would truly be judged and taken for a weirdo. I read it again though today and with the mood im in im thinking…..Who gives a hoot, it is my blog and my writing and my experiences, so if you think I’m crazy, that’s on you right? ( Lol, you should see me trying to master up the courage to hit publish, HERE GOES NOTHING! )

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Hey, am I weird? Is it weird?Is it weird that I remember? That I always Remember? I heard if you remember it should essentially mean that you are dead, or not of this earth no more. Is this true?

Is it weird that I remember my dreams vividly? That I remember every single emotion I felt in the dream. If there was pain I remember the feeling and sometimes when I think about it, I feel like the pain is still there. My friend told me it is a weird thing that happens when people remember their dreams.

However, I recently picked out a pattern though. More often than not , the dreams I remember revolve around her. The dreams I remember always feature her as the guest star. The dreams though…

The dreams are usually weird, some of them scare me to the bone such that If I happen to wake from them in the middle of the night, I cannot seem to go back to sleep.

Now see I don’t know why I am having these dreams when I asked her politely to not show up in my dreams. Mainly because I don’t have the bone for it, but apparently I do. I am actually not scared when I meet her in the dream but the events around the dream are usually terrifying!

Many a times, her purpose in the dream is to tell me what to do. To go left or right, to believe them or not, to jump or not, this way or that way……I feel like you get the flow yes?

Usually the dreams are very specific and I remember all the characters but I feel the need to keep identities a secret. This is because these are just dreams right? Plus there is a high chance that my mind is messing with me ALSO I am not superstitious, Its just that YOOOOO….this shit is too weird.

In the most recent dream, I am casually walking and I notice a small, Like tiny, no no like Super minute wrigly worm, sort of creature, crawling past and I freak the **** out! If you know me, you know that anything that crawls or flies and is of insect nature scares me to death. So obviously ,I scream like a little Kid and ask X to kick it out. X  however decides to grab the creature….

(I hope we get by now that X is a character in this dream off mine)

THEN

Out of nowhere, in less than a minute  the ” creature” turns into a full grown snake and it starts to chase ME! Me! WHY ME?

I do all sorts of gymnastics going over and under tables and chairs, gliding through staircases….I even managed to fit through grilled windows and scaled the walls of the building to a different room which I then got into and continued with my get away. Sweating, Panting, Confused, almost giving up , ready for this thing to devour me….I couldn’t do it anymore.

And then, just on my way out the door of a room, I meet her there and I ask her If I could trust X with getting rid of the snake and she says yes. I am not convinced though and I tell her the snake is all Xs fault anyway and that A looks too suspect.

My mother gives me a thumbs up and tells me to trust X. At this point I am so greatful, I don’t know why but I am and I run up to her  and give her the biggest hug. In this scene she is standing at our corridor where her picture was put out for all to see when she passed. She looks exhausted and almost like she has been standing at the same spot the whole time. I ask her to take a seat and she insists on standing. She says that she always has to keep a look out for us…..

AND THEN I WOKE UP!

With a start! I literally jolted upright in my bed like I had just been shocked back to life. You know how it happens in the ER? But like the ER in cartoons where the characters come back to life instantly? Exactly like that!

Now, I dont know about you but I felt that, that was too weird a dream to let pass. It was scary enough that I coud remember exact details but the fact that it was the third or fourth of that nature I have had caused shivers down my spine.

( Can I just put it out there that I have NOT given you a complete summary of the whole ordeal, so you can imagine the REAL DREAM, like with all the details)

On a similar encounter before I talked to my dad about it and he asked me not to think much into it, but I am starting to get a little worried. Why do I remember all these dreams so vividly ? And why are they so weird?

I hope I did not lose like 1000 folllowers and All my friends because yall think I am psycho. I really am not. I honestly just had a bad dream and I told you about it. Bad? I don’t know, I mean I got to see her, but not the best dream either.

Its just a weird dream right? Or is it?

Weird right? Just for the record though, it has been a while since I had those dreams and I am convinced that my mother had not fully gone to rest. That she felt the need to stand by and watch over us. However, now, we are close to clocking two years since and I think she finally has. I really hope she has. 

Death is such a weird thing man!

Anyway,

Love and Love

B

xx

Hi Mum…

I still can’t believe you’re gone. It’s going to be two years soon and to me it feels like yesterday. Your absence is still strongly felt and it all just seems so unreal.

I find myself wondering how people who have lost their parents for a longer period have survived.

In the past two months alone I have met a good number of people who seem to have the same story ” I lost my mum when I was…” “My dad passed away last year..” “I lost both my parents at… ” What is common with all of them, however, is that you would never tell that they carry such burdens!

When these things happen you always think you’re the only one hurting in this way even when you know for certain you aren’t the only one. I get inspired by these type of people everyday and I know that I will be just fine without you.

Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you though.

As a matter of fact,I miss you so much I have started seeing you around of late.

I see you in different people. Random People. People I know. Anyone and Everyone really.

Its not once that a woman has walked in my field of vision and I have thought “Mum” …sometimes I have had to hold myself back from actually saying it aloud.

They stand in a certain angle and you flash right infront of my eyes but just as fast , you’re gone! They laugh and you are right there but not for too long.

I see you in mothers who go shopping with their daughters hand in hand like bestfriends and  think ” That could be us but the way Cancer is set up…..”

I see you in my sister! Her strong Character at such a young age, her commanding nature, and not in a bad way. The way she carries herself around.

I see you all the time mum and sometimes I wish I could freeze your Image just a bit longer! I wish I could rewind back time. I just wish, I wish…

I haven’t told you though how much grandma reminds me of you! My imagination has convinced me that if i was lucky enough to see you age you would look exactly like her! Identical! Her laughter reminds me of you and so does the curve of her front teeth, I have that too….your sisters say It makes me look a lot like you…actually they are already saying I look exactly like you!

It was concours the other day. Do you remember how excited you would get over it? Mainly because you would get to dress up? Ahhh good times….I wore all white like you did on your last ever concours event three years ago. I even wore your white hat. I know, I know, I copied your look. Guilty as charged! What can I say, you got  had style girl!                                          DSC_0169

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Anyway, I just thought I should say Hi, especially after a lady walked past me two days ago and I could have sworn it was you. How is it without the pain and the endless joy and happiness there? Are you okay? I hope you are.

Rest well and see you soon.

Love B.

p.s. Kisses for you IMAG0290

Death – “The end of the life of a person or an organism”

– “The termination of all the biological functions that sustain a living organism”

There are many definitions to describe death. Each one of us probably has a definition of what they think death is. That then possibly gives us 7.3 billion definitions no? However, for me the view point of death that hits home the hardest is that it can be desscribed as the “Imparmanence of one on earth”

Imparmanence! Not permanent! Not perpetual! IMPARMANENT!

I have never really thought about my death day before BUT i do mention the phrase ” Life is Short” every other day. When someone passes on, when I find myself stressing over something and even when I nearly get into an accident because a matatu (Public transport in Kenya) driver somewhere believes he owns the road. Public road! His? How? Why? Maybe let us not get into that before I completely go off topic and begin to fume over these guys. Life is short.

So back to it then….It is indeed short. Fall sick tomorrow and by Sunday there is no more you. Walk out of the house and lose your life because of a reckless driver somewhere Or….You just do not wake up.  I know….I probably sound crude, with no feelings or emotions, insensitive but it is the damn truth. You just might not be tomorrow. We already know this, I just do not know how many of us have this resonating with our being. Fully encompassing its meaning and beginning to think twice about our lives. Are you ready? For a time that you will be no more? For a time they will be no more.

As I slowly direct my thoughts about death, my death, a few minutes every day, I realize the importance of living this dear life I have to the full. With no regrets, no grudges, no stress, no what ifs. No question marks AT ALL!

I highly associate death with that of my mother and for me a big part of its meaning is influenced by her absence. The regrets I have of times that I should have spent with her, of things I should never have said to her and even those that I should have. The feeling of absence there is in the house, her absence. The feeling I get when people talk about how much I resemble her. A feeling that should essentially be a good thing and one that I am proud of , of which I am, but one that brings sad emotions, tears to my eyes. Death. I really hate thinking about death.

However, the fact that I do every day sort of shapes the direction in which I want my life to take. Getting rid of everything that burdens my heart and making ammends.

To live a full life according to me is not only to fulfil the purpose that I was put here to accomplish but with it to ensure that I lived with no burdens. I have decided to let go. I have let go of all grudges that I have ever held with others. I have forgiven and made ammends with those who hurt me. I pray for those who continue to hurt me but I make sure that from my end no hard feelings are harboured against them. I do not want to suffer lest they leave and all I had was hate and anger towards them. I purpose to ensure, that even with inevitable conflict because of our human nature, that the days do not pass by without making any reconciliations.

This life is indeed short and to live it right is essential. To live it stress free. To live it worry free. Make peace with yourself and with others. Do the things that make you happy. Say everything that you feel should be said. Sing even when you canot sing. Dance even if your expertise is in the ” White man moves ” .Love, love so deeply and do not be afraid. Laugh, Laugh out loud until it hurts, laugh until it hurts in your stomach. SMILE 🙂 Make sure that you will be able to say you have no regrets.

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When death comes knocking at  your door…..surrender. Give in because you know you have lived your life. Done your part. And now it is time to go home. To be with the almighty. Death should not frighten us….ours and that of others. As long as we have made our impact , positive impact. It is all that matters.

That said….I think I am still scared of death. What if I don’t get enough time to do everything? But that is a story for another day.

LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL!

LIFE IS SHORT!

Love and Love

B.

XX