Tag

Encouragement

As per usual.It probably has become monotonous now. I shall find something new for next year! But for now…LEGOOO! 🙂

I have been making plans to throw down for my family for a while now, and now that I have time on my hands, it is a PLAAAN!

Any ideas on what I should cook for them? I am so excited though, every time I get to cook for them makes me feel like I am filling in mum’s shoes! It feels like home again.

I am still drinking water on a daily! My skin is singing praises!

I am currently reading all things finance and excel! I really miss the days I had time for novels…I can’t wait for next year to get more reading in.

I really want to see the results of all these gym workouts! YAAS, I finally joined the gym and I LOVE it! #Newbodycomingsoon

Playing JB Purpose! Call me a #Belieber.

Wasting no time to get some sleep in! I was up at 6am this morning out of the house running errands, back by 11…slept from 11am to 4pm….see my life? #Beautysleep bruh!

Wishing I was playing in the snow in Sweden with my mum, waiting to usher in a white Christmas! She probably would be watching me though…the cold was not her buddy!

Enjoying the free time I have to REST! I feel like I started the year on my feet and I didn’t get two minutes to catch a breath, so I am definitely enjoying this.

Wondering whether it is possible to see results after two months? I am really anticipating that #Flattummy guys!

Loving the fact that I can say that this has been the most challenging year yet and that I rose above it all! Failing was not an option no matter how hard it got and I MADE IT!

Marvelling at the strength and endurance you can master if you stay focused and set on the end goal! The ten thousand nervous breakdowns are a NON ISSUE!

Listening to CHAINS by Nick Jonas.

The need to hashtag everything today is REAL! 🙂

Wearing a loose maxi dress…standard dress code after gym! Loose and Comfortable.

Following Quantico has become my new favorite thing to do! I am addicted to crime and investigation series, this explains my choice of studies for my Masters. Can’t wait for the first day of class!

Noticing that today is probably the fifth time or so this whole year that I have sat in the TV room watching teli! You mean this is what the chill life looks like?

Thinking that 2016 will be a GOOOOOOOOOOD Year! My nigga I feel it! 🙂

Feeling super EXCITED that I will be done with my undergrad on FRIDAY!!! Whoop whoop…..Its been a good three and half years,a degree and a minor later, and  its about that time! #Graduatethings

I am Bookmarking all the books and articles I want to read next year!

Opening the KRA website…I finally retrieved my Pin. It’s been a whole year coming. I am actually quite embarrased that it took me that long but hey!

Giggling at all the jokes being cracked on this Baby Daddy show on 115…lol

What is your December looking like? I feel like its the perfect time to take STOCK for the whole year (Yeah I know, Captain obvious) and just reflect #Clichequeen! I have been taking a few minutes in the sauna everyday to do this and I might do a post,MIGHT!

Well anyway….I hope you get time to do the same.

Have a lovely week my readers, thank you for all the love you have shown me this year! It has been a great blogging 1 year journey! 66 posts, 1199 followers,7600 views and 3,283 visitors later! I cannot wait for many more to come!

P.S. I was going to do a blogversary post but it sucks that my blogs anniversary falls on the day just before my mothers passing anniversary and this year I couldn’t get myself to write.

ANNNNNNNYWAY, you guys have been AMAZING! THANK YOU A Million times over. I love you all!

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LOVE & LOVE

B

XX.

IT’S OCTOBER! Two more months to the end of the year! Two more months till i’m done with my undergrad! Two more months , just two more months!

Time has gone by so fast I can’t even begin to describe to you how much I feel like I have been left behind. I am literally running behind after time with all my belongings and I can’t seem to catch up. I swear guys , TIME waits for no man, or WOMAN! She is a woman on a mission and she is not waiting for nobody! Yes, I just feminized time, you mad bro?

I am not one bit ungrateful though for the year thus far….despite it feeling like January was yesterday ( I sometimes still tell people I came back just the other day, when It was actually been 10 months!). It really has been a great year already and there is so much more to come…..TWO more months guys, Get IN THURRR!

So lets take stock shall we?

I am Making a mental note not to complain all the time! We find ourselves complaining about anything and everything under the sun when really we could have had it much worse , you know? Thanks El Jefe for this, Im sorry!

I haven’t cooked anything of late, I need to get back into the kitchen.

I am drinking water from a 1 litre fridge jug as I type this….It is the least I can do for my fitness journey seeing as I cannot remember the last time I exercised. #Sigh

I am reading the same book unfortunately as well as an equity evaluation one for my CFA thing AND “The Bible in Fourty Days ”

I want to figure out which word to play on “Words with Friends” It is the latest app on my phone and I am determined to beat all my Challengers! However, I dont know in what world some of these words exist! Smh

Playing words with Friends….can you tell I am a bit addicted?

Wasting ,well, nothing I can think of right now.

Wishing I could have fried chicken, pork chops, fries a cheese burger and maybe some spicy wings! With water please…#HealthyLiving. lol

Enjoying my time at Brand2D…I have to say my body is taking a while to adjust to waking up before 11 and being seated for long hours and maybe I have bored El Jefe to death with my constant nagging about how I need a holiday, but I really do enjoy working here so far!

I like that I have been putting a bit effort with my fashion of late…I had become so lazy about this thing I call one of my passions but I am glad I am Back on it! I was running out of black tops and jeans!

I wonder what the next few months will look like….I had made such plans and then they were all thrown in my face and now I have to go with the wind for a bit!  Wish me luck!

I absolutely love all my sports shoes, ngomaz, all things sporty! Best Thing ever! I rarely wear anything else these days, should I be worried? I am also loving how amazing the weather has been of late! I cannot get enough of this Vitamin D guys!

Marvelling at the thought process of the guys at the office on who a “Player “is!! Really guys? Thanks @DashingDan for supporting me though! lol

Needing an Intervention right now for them! #PowerToTheWomen smh.

Smelling of my hand Sanitizer by bath and body works, has a really strong scent.

Wearing a Pink Top and Black Pants….Can you tell its one of those days that I haven’t put any effort into it?

Following Empire, Scandal, HTGAWM and Greys again! Its Series Season guys!!!! #Excited 🙂

Noticing that I can actually take part in debates if i gathered up enough courage to speak in front of people!

I know how I want many things in my life to go…getting them to go in that direction now is what is the problem! But at least phase one is covered, no?

I am thinking about how I really should read more pages of that CFA book…procastination though, she is quite something. Smh

I am feeling really lazy at the moment and remember I have that CFA book to read? DAAAAMN!

Written on: 1st October 2015

I shall probably postpone the posting of this piece now that I have already bombarded you guys with an emotional one. Thanks for all the love on there btw,,, I really appreciate it! It’s going to be alright, I know it will be. Even for you…yes you…you who has lost all hope and is drowning, I am telling you. It is going to be just fine. He promises us plans to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future, so don’t despair, hold on , stay afloat! All my love to you.

Are you guys okay though?

Its been a while since we have had a conversation.

Keep reading and stay safe!!

Love and Love

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B

xx

This blog has recently become a Keeping Up with B sort of blog seeing as I have not exactly scaled it down to one topic that I would generally like to share about. However, I feel even this way I am still able to pass on messages on to you guys and even when I am not talking about anything serious you get to enjoy my diction, at least I hope you do. Worst case scenario where you don’t ,well there’s the future me who will read these posts one day so I guess its a win either way 🙂

I hope you have all been well though 🙂

So shall we?

I was recently reading a friend’s blog as per my usual daily routine. I live for the inspiration that comes from the lives of others through their experiences and I couldn’t thank the Internet more for providing a platform for writers to share globally, universally, entirely, I am sure you get the point I am trying to make. It really is amazing.

So yes, with my Mug of green tea and my lappy infront of me I embarked with my usual routine. First it is the fashion blogs(Can I just say that I live for fashion, If I do not have a fashion related company in the future I will have really failed myself. AND did you know that the fashion industry is very lucrative at the moment? I recently went for a conference and it was mentioned that top investors are looking into this industry. So if you are a lover, you know where the money is!) ….. then the blogs of my fellow wordpress users that I follow and finally any other blogs that I find inspiration from.

On this day, the last blog I read was Girl on Fire by Tessy and the particular post I have tagged spoke to me! Its main theme was risk taking and I cannot tell you how opportune the timing was.PERFECT if I must say.

See I recently was asked to participate in a finance challenge of sorts by my lecturer where I would work with four other individuals on a sort of research “thing” for a given company. See,I did not even know what exactly we were to do and for a while it was just a research “thing” to me.

The entire explanation he gave on the “thing” went through one ear and out the other as I was busy trying to figure out why in the hell he would choose me? Me? I was dumbfounded….I mean I was the girl who first attended his class two weeks late when I came back from Sweden and he would later discover that I was that girl who would sit somewhere in the corner of the class room and enjoy a full siesta as he taught. (Can’t blame me, afternoon classes after a heavy lunch are for the strong, the struggles I had trying to stay awake were quite REAL!)

Usually lecturers barely remember names but trust you me my name stuck, that “Abwoga you have slept too much today” after most classes required him to know my name. I still don’t know how I landed an A at the end of that semester, hah, who am I kidding, I KNOW, I read my ass off, I had to compensate for the times I slept.

So here we are, a new semester, and he decides that I make it to the list of shortlisted individuals! Again, Me?

We however did not revisit the topic and I assumed that he opted for other students after realizing that maybe I did not quite cut it.Which was fine by me!! I was convinced that I was not ready for such a challenge, that I was not well equipped with the finance knowledge I required. I just felt like I was probably the wrong fit. That was me, he on the other hand thought otherwise.

“Abwoga and Thuo, remember to see me after class,” he did not forget, he really still thinks I got this.

And then he elaborated on the “thing”…it is not just a THING, it is global, it is a competition, it is going to be intensive,it needs dedication and commitment, it needs a whole array of skills ….and he thinks I am fit for the job. Me?I am panicking. Me? All the feelings of uncertainty creep in, surely I am not made for this.

Reading Tessy’s blog however reminded me that I can never be entirely ready for anything. That, taking the risk and plunging in head first is the only sure way that will not lead to a loss. We may lose (God forbid) the challenge but the experiences gained and lessons learnt will always be a win.

The mere fact that the lecturer is convinced that I have the potential is confirmation enough that I am ready even though I feel nowhere close to ready.

We easily look down on ourselves and downplay our potential. The thought of taking risks is threatening, scary, a road which many would rather avoid. It is always easier to take the less risky path, to quit when you think you can’t possibly do it, to give up.

I can tell you though that I have found new fire, that I am scared to the bone but I am ready to take on the challenge head on.Opportunities such as these are once in a life time. Opportunities such as these do not knock twice. Opportunities find you already on the dancefloor as Tessy puts it( not exactly like this but close), meaning I am already there, so why not dance?

Our fears limit us but imagine the greatness that could come from facing them?

The CFA Institute Research Challenge is the “thing”. Check it out Here on youtube. I am more than excited to embark on this journey and I can only hope it brings out the best in each and everyone involved! Good Luck to everyone participating!!

See you in Chicago, Hopefully!

B

xx

The end of yet another month. It is here. Already! Literally two more days and June is like “Hello guys, are you ready?” Everyone will be like “New month, New beginnings.” There is something about the start of a new month that gives us fire, hope, new Energy. We pick ourselves up if we had fallen the previous month and promise to walk better than we ever had. We make promises to ourselves to be greater versions of us. We make new goals and strive to achieve them. We vouch to do everything in our power so that the new month may be full of success. I find it all very exciting!

The opportunity to have a fresh start or reevaluation of our goals and setting up of new strategies to meet them is motivating. Soon it will be the end of the year and we will want to look back and document all our achievements.

I think a “taking stock” post is very much appropriate to enable us to get back on track but also to show us how far we have come and where we are going. I couldn’t think of a better time to do this Month’s post than at the end of the month.

(P.s. some of the questions do not essentially align to this whole goal and reformation thing, but it is a fun exercise any way 🙂 )

Wishing you all a beautiful June, May (Pun intended) you make the best out of it. Happy Reading my love bugs!! xx

Making :

Cooking: I haven’t been in the Kitchen in quite a while but hopefully this will improve next month. I need to improve those skills, boyfriends need to be acquired and kept. Lol

Drinking: A lot of water ! I literally say no to soda these days!

Reading: The Last Juror by John Grisham. I am reading it quite slowly with everything going on but I hope to finish it soon. BTW the promise to read the devil wears Prada, the Swedish version is still on, I just need more time !

Playing: 22- Taylor Swift 😀

Wasting: No Time.

Wishing: I could could sleep for 24 hours straight just to re energize. I am so busy of late, I barely get enough sleep and even when I do sleep, my mind is still very much awake causing a lot of fatigue the next day 🙁

Enjoying: My own company. I have not spent a lot of time alone in the past but lately I love being in my own space,just me, myself and I.

Liking: My look this month. It is amazing how outward appearance can literally change the vibes around you and bring your way new energy, motivation and power.

Wondering: What I want to study for my masters. I am almost done with my undergrad and I am looking for scholarships but I literally have no idea about exactly what I want to do.

Marveling: At how life turns everything upside down when you think you have it completely handled just to remind you to stay GROUNDED!

Needing: All of you to know that I wish you a beautiful day ahead!! :*

Smelling: I actually need to slap on some perfume and get out of the house!

Wearing: A crop TOP! Lol….I feel like I am being all Kinds of daring in this Nairobi. But who cares……22!

Noticing: That I am gonna be HELLA late if I don’t leave for work in the next two minutes.

Knowing: That it is better to always be the bigger person, because the minute the other person mans up, you feel completely silly for “acting up” and you damn right better feel silly because you honey, should have been the bigger person!!

Thinking:I am so OLD!

Feeling: TWEENNNY TWO!22

Bookmarking: The Royals! Thanks Joy.

Opening:My lock screen every few seconds, The love is mad real! Thank You 🙂

Bonus Lesson: I think these past few months what I truly learned is that you need to believe people when they tell you things. Some things may be said off the bat, jokingly or even murmured under one’s breathe, but if you got the chance to hear it, heed it! Many times we brush off what people say to us especially when they are negative things because we claim we know the person and they would never say such things but Honey they just did! And they MEAN IT!

The situation may be fixed temporarily and they themselves may even say that they did not mean it, but the things that flow out of people’s mouths freely, in terms of opinions,feelings and the likes are rarely ever false. Pay attention to these things they might save you quite a bit if you ask me.

This post felt nothing like ” Life Goals” , ”Progress” etc…but oh well, I really have to run!

Take Care

Love and Love

B.

xx

So I’m sat in dad’s room where the WiFi connects better and where I go when I want to think about my mother. It is 11 am and I have to run off to work in a few minutes. I think I am a bit obsessed with working all of a sudden.

Well not all of a sudden but since I got my first pay cheque. It was exhilarating! The whole process, from the moment I laid my hands on the  cheque  to depositing it to the bank, the waiting of two days for it to go via the Central Bank and then finally when I was told the money is settled in my account. It was quite the thrill!

No, not because I have never handled money, but because for once the money was MINE! That I worked for! Mine. It wasn’t much but it sure did give me quite the rush. You should have seen me paying my dad all that I owed him. I borrowed money from him the previous week with a promise to pay him back and I was so excited that I could actually pay back!! Is this how you feel when you get your first Salary? Because then I cannot wait for that day. ( It’s complicated but what I am paid is not exactly a salary,so yeah)

However, I digress.

So I’m sat here reflecting and It comes to mind that I hate being out of my comfort zone. That my strive for everything to work out as I had planned is quite real. I think I have mentioned it on here before about how I hate when things are not in order. The order that I had planned.

I get moody. I want to be alone. My plans have been ruined and it is eating me up. Now I have a headache from thinking too much about it. Why is everyone talking to me? Why do you keep asking me the same question? What in the hell is wrong with my hair? Why can’t it stay in place? I want to go home. I want to be in my COMFORT ZONE! My head is going to blow up from all the overheating. I need water. I think I need to sleep it off……..cooled off.

I might just have a problem. Or maybe I have slight perfectionist tendencies. All I know is that when I think about how moody I was afterwards,when I am in my zone, my zone of comfort, where everything works as it is supposed to, I feel silly! I feel sorry for the people around me who had to deal with my ice cold stares when they asked me something or my one word answers. The people who text me when I am in such a state and have to deal with me in that state.

It really is a pity. I need to stop obsessing over perfection. I need to get comfortable with being in situations that force me out of my comfort zone. What is life if that is the way you live it? Because things will not always be perfect! You will never always be in your comfort zone. Sure sometimes things will pan out exactly how you wanted them to and you will call it a success but then again things may not? Does then that mean it’s a failure? Maybe, but maybe not. Maybe there’s a hidden lesson in the struggle that can only be taught through “failure”, maybe you need to realize a vice about yourself that needs working on OR maybe there’s a moment that you’re not living in that needs to be lived in even if it means everything else goes wrong. Maybe out of your comfort zone is where your success lies. Maybe it is where you thrive! Where you shine brighter than any other star.

I have learned my lesson, I need to just let things BE! I keep repeating this to myself but I really need to. When you let things be, things happen, things that make you happy that you let the things be 🙂 So just let it BE, B! 🙂

FEELING 22, with all these life lessons!My Birthday is coming up and I have to say I have been feeling quite grown of late so allow it 🙂

I am ready to be thrown in to the deep. I am ready to be forced out of my comfort zone. I am ready to find success in disorganization that may only be in my head ,but that the reality is that everything is actually very much organized. Are you ready?

Come at me 🙂

Just going to leave this here, missing this life
Just going to leave this here, missing this life

Is this becoming a motivational / inspiration/ whatever else those type of blogs are called? I have no idea, I just Know that sometimes it is better to put it down in writing.It makes it easier to hold oneself accountable….and since this blog is my therapy session, why not,right?

Keep Reading,

Love and Love

B.

xx

So I wrote this post months ago when I first went through her funeral service book this year, however, I did not publish it because I was not too sure if it was true. If i really indeed felt like I was healing or at least on the road to healing, the closest road at that. 

Funny thing is, I am still not sure, I have a lot going on and I am very uncertain, however, I think it is best if I put up the post anyway. It just might be the first step to actual healing. Also i have been glancing at my stats page every now and then and I get disappointed at myself for not leaving you guys with any content and for that I apologize.

Anyway, onto it then.

I think I am healing.

I think I am here to tell you that I am healing.

I think that healing of the heart is possible.

You see I have her Funeral Service program in my room. We all do actually. In fact,I think we have one in every corner of the house. There was a point we were giving them out way after the funeral to whoever visited the house. Especially to those who did not attend the funeral or did not hear of the news until much later.

I was giving them out because I wanted everyone to know what a remarkable woman my mother was. I wanted them to all see the beauty she radiated because she was one stunning woman. I wanted to make sure my mother’s name would not be forgotten. I did not want to forget her and I did not want anybody else to either.

Anyway, so before, any time I would take the program into my hands in the past I would literally break down. I did not even have to flip too many pages to ignite the water works ( See what I did there?) they would just flow as if on cue.

This time however, the first time this year I was going through it, it was different. I cried…obviously, I’m just that emotional girl. But the tears were not painful tears. I did not end up having a headache the whole day after crying. There was no painful knot in my throat when the memories were flashing back. I had a good cry.

Maybe it is just this one time…maybe I was just at a different place this time and I was being positive. Maybe the next time I go through it, the painful knot will form again. However, at least this time it was not there.

Each day at a time. I have learned there is no other way to do this. In fact there is no other way to live life but each day at a time. Why am I talking like I have an option? It is not like we are given two days at a go. Each day. It is because I had not fully encompassed this phrase into my life before.

I have now. Living like there is no tomorrow. Letting tomorrow….if it does come…to deal with itself..tomorrow. But today..I shall deal with today because It is all I have. P.s. I shall deal with tomorrow too..If I have tomorrow…I just needed my sentence there to flow a little bit.lol

Anyway I hope those on my bandwagon are in this stage, the stage of feeling and realizing that you are possibly healing and then letting it happen. Not letting it go..I mean you can let it go..but is that a thing we want? To let it go? are we meant to?

Love and love

B.

xx

How Long over due is this post though? Blame it on how stressful my life is at the moment. I need a vacation or two with the way things are going to be honest. All the same though, It is finally here.

Making: A lot of noise as I break this Ice cube in my mouth. Is this a bad habit? Is it bad for my teeth?

Cooking : The menu for this week has Honey dipped pork chops included in it and boy am I EXCITED! I made Lasagna last week and it gave me quite the rush. I love being in the Kitchen. It sucks that I can’t do it everyday.

Drinking : Soda! It has started creeping up back into my diet, I NEED TO STOP!

Reading :I haven’t read my novels in weeks 🙁 I got caught up with school. This is bad.

Wanting: CHANGE! Change is good. Some people are afraid of change and rightfully so. However,being able to move from your comfort zone, into a “new” zone, one that brings positive change of course, is essential for your growth. EMBRACE IT!

Playing : 4- 5 Seconds by Rihanna, Kanye and Paul McCartney. LOVE IT!

Wasting : Time sleeping. I am annoyed at this!

Wishing : I could rewind my life back to last year December and January this year. I was mentally, Physically and emotionally at a good place. Right now?Not so much.

Enjoying : Being off the grid. Taking a break from social media every once in a while is healthy. A NICE CLEAN breath of fresh air. * Too much repetition in that sentence but only for emphasis 🙂 *

Liking : My squat progress!!Lol.

Wondering: How is that GPA gonna go up? The studies are literally murdering me.

Loving: My friends Company. The type that shows up at my house on a Friday morning for breakfast and ring the Bell like they own the place. After which studying for like ten minutes follows and then DANCE SESSION till dark. I love you all from here to the moon and back times INFINITY! See you Friday?

Marveling : at online series watching. I mean I knew it existed but I was addicted to downloads,,,This side of the grass though, Too green. lol

Needing: To disappear for a few days. Put myself together and start again? Recollection is always a good thing no?

Smelling : Of my perfume duuh. lol

Wearing: A black maxi dress…The weather has outlined the essentials.

Following :EMPIRE….finally! But Guys what was the hype? I mean Cookie is quite something but other than  that? Sigh….as Vanessa, Joy and Feizal eyeball me. Lol

Noticing : That I can make or break me. Just me alone. I DEFINE ME. It is up to ME! I need to stop blaming other people.

Wishing you guys a wonderful month, just in case I am not able to write to you soon. I am sure you understand.

God bless,

love and love

B.xx

So before we go any further I have to apologize for my absence on here. I have been super busy. I know we all have…but I have not had a moment to catch my breath and hence the silence.

With the way things were going, it was bound to be longer, but trust cancer to give me a reason to be here. I am not sure I should even be thanking her for letting me write to you guys or not. I am so mad at her.

She just has no chills.

None.

She doesn’t understand that what she puts us through is not easy to get out of. That It takes a whole lot for us to go a day without shedding a tear. Without reliving memories that make it even harder. Without hearing their laughter across the hall and wishing they were still here.

Cancer, she has done it again. Not to me, but to someone very close to me. So close that when he broke the news to me, I felt like I was reliving my own experience with Cancer. My heart broke in two for him and my hate for cancer just doubled up a notch(Does this make sense?) and God knows how much that hate is.

She has taken his mother and I don’t know what to tell him. That it will get better? How,when I don’t even know what better is myself?Sorry? Because obviously that will bring her back? I know how you feel?And so what if I do? Chances are I do not, the situation is never the same. We are in this together? Who wants a welcome card to a motherless life? It happens to the best of us? Because if that is the case , then even I don’t want to be a part of “the best”. I am dumbfounded.

All I know is that I feel his pain in almost equal measure. The loss of a mother is not anything easy to deal with. Today, tomorrow, next year….I doubt it will ever be easy. When she leaves you know she has left.  I thought it was just me who felt my mother leave this realm, but he claims it too. It is real. And if the connection is that deep, you can now understand what pain it is when you know that she is no longer there.

I am broken. My heart has been shattered all over again. Cancer is on a mission and she is claiming our mothers and we cannot stop her.

She needs to be stopped. We need a cure. Stop her in her tracks and tell her no more. Is there a doctor out there?

I pass my sincere condolences to you my friend and  I pray that your mother’s soul rests in Eternal peace. I pray that you and your family my receive peace the surpasses all understanding to help you understand the will of God and accept it. That all the provisions you require during this time will be availed . That you see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point and try to stay positive. That the days following will get easier as each one passes by and the knowledge of your new angel in Heaven may keep you going.

I will always be here for you even when many get caught up with life and forget. I will always be here for you so that we can break down together and thereafter share a moment of prayer. I will be here when you need to cry . I will be here when you need to cry some more. I will still be here when you need me to listen to you. I will be here when you just want to sit in silence and want to think about her but you do not want to do it alone. I will be here when you are finally ready to start the healing process. I will definitely be here.

I love you always.

It happened when I left for the world,lol, but even before that I knew. I just didn’t know where or how to start. But I knew I was ready to start. To start the healing process and letting go. To finally come to terms with the loss and to pick myself and wipe the dust off.

About two months prior to her passing, my mum had lost one of her sisters. This particular sister she really Loved. She loved all her sisters and they were the best of friends but her sister Catherine she had a special love for her. She loved her so much so that at her funeral she made sure everyone danced and celebrated her Sister’s life because it is what she would have wanted. But inside I think she also did it because she was thankful that her sisters pain was all gone and now she could rest.

That death really affected me more than I thought it would.

I was not able to sleep with my lights off for those two months and I would wake up in between my sleep panicking. Many times when my dad would come to check up on me, I would get frightened and move with a start ,confused about my whereabouts.

Then my mum passed and all this was heightened. With my mum though, I begged her in my prayers to go in peace and not appear in my dreams. My aunt never did, but with my mum I didn’t know. ( You know how they say the dead come to you in your dreams? No? Well i have heard stories) She out of all people knew just how much of a weak soul I have. I don’t know if it is the soul that is weak but there is some strength in me that I lack. Night mares get the best of me and anything and everything startles me.

It is so bad that I would squeeze in my parents bed with my mum whenever I would freak out. She would always tease me about this because at my size and age she couldn’t understand for the life of her what was wrong with me. Yaaap 20 years and I would occasionally sleep with my mother. lol . That sounds wrong, I mean I would sleep next to her in her bed.

So anyway, I asked her. I said that it was not because I wanted to forget her but because I was just not strong enough for that. I was sure she would understand. She knew only too well how deep that went.

And so for about the next four months after her passing the only way I would sleep in my bed was if the lights were on. I slowly upgraded to where I would sleep with the lights off if my Dad turned them off but it had to be MANY hours after I had already gone to bed.

Out of nowhere though,,, one evening I went to bed and I turned off the lights myself. I hadn’t even noticed until the next morning when it hit me. That moment, that is when I knew I was ready to let my mum and aunt rest in peace. It was when I knew it was time to heal and move on.

That “strength” I was on about earlier? I have some of it now. At least I can proudly say it has been many many months since I last slept with my lights on. I mean I had to acquire it anyway. My dad would have been happy to keep turning them off but there is not much he can do from Kenya when his baby girl is in Sweden right? Small things still scare me but living alone builds a bone in you immune to fear, okay maybe not, but basically I had to man up and face my fear and I did. It is possible.

So if you are grieving and you are still holding on, but it is breaking you into tiny pieces and you want to move on but you just can’t? Be patient. The time is coming when you will be mentally prepared to move one, you will just know. For now, let it all out till there is no more in you. Until you are at peace.

Love and love,

B.

She said, ” Whatever you decide, make sure it is your drug of choice.” She explained that many things on this earth have a drug element to them. Where you need those things but eventually they will eat away at you and its on you to decide how fast you want to go.

Looking at it like that is quite harsh but lets make it more real. For example,something simple like dating someone. Everyone has their flaws, but are their flaws something you are ready to deal with in the long term? His smelly feet or his quick temper. He is so so cute but he is extremely lazy, Take it or leave it? He is everything you want in a man but he is not goal oriented which for you is an essential.Can you compromise? Is he your drug of choice?

In an ideal situation where you get to chose where you work, the crammed office or the comfortable office space? Black coffee or Green Tea? Smirnoff black Ice or Jack Daniels? White Wine or Red Wine? They all do something to your liver, of course not the coffee and tea but the others,and so then… What is your drug of choice?

In a supermarket, depending on how much your debit card has. I believe debit is the best way to go btw…Hustle and make your money, and then you can spend as you wish because it is YOURS! anyway, so yes, the eggs that cost 25 Sek or the ones that are 13 Sek? Frozen meals or onions to go make the meal at home? A product made purely of sugar or the same snack with less sugar? Diabetes today or next week? What is your drug of choice?

Becoming a Junky and doing drugs or occasionally taking a whiff of petrol whenever you are at the gas station. Lol

I am not sure if i have made it any clearer, I have a feeling that I have somewhat distorted the meaning or not given adequate examples. However, for me that is the best advice I have got this year that I am carrying on to 2015. Quite fitting that we had that talk only a few days ago when the year is coming to a close.

Many decisions you make in life have consequences and you only have yourself  to blame when it was not the right one. Asking myself if a certain thing would be my “drug of choice” before I make a decision on it appeals to me. If my answer is Yes then I know I shall not regret it and if it is No, then, well, I have to think real hard because if it is not something I am ready to deal with then why the hell go on and pick it you know?

haha it sounds so black and white, oh the lies of ideal situations. BUT…

I sense easier decision making in the year to come and I couldn’t be more delighted. I hate being so lost when I have to decide on something. I know that this does not mean the decisions will be made in one go but at least my vision will be less obscure. More clear.

and il drink to that, Cheers to this lovely piece of advice,

Joy I pick you as my drug of choice of a confidant and adviser,

I love you.

and my readers always!

My heart,

B.