Tag

grieving

Quell.

Quelling.

I can’t seem to quell the feeling.

The missing, the longing, the wishing…

Each time I do a post like this, I seem to always have some sort of secret hope that it will be the last time that I have to write about how much I miss my mother. That at some point or another I will become attuned to the reality, the one without her in the picture. However, this just does not seem to be happening.

It doesn’t get better, it is even worse when you’re in a distant land and alone.

My dreams are back, the one’s of her. She is always so present until I wake up and then she is not.

I miss my mum.

Image By: @gdm.offthewall (Instagram Handle)

I long for the times and the memories we will never share. I constantly think about how, in another reality, I would be ringing her weekly, maybe daily, to tell her about my time here.

A quick phone call on my way to school probably explaining how full the tube was and hence the source of my coming cold because you know, contagious diseases, enclosed stuffy spaces, zero degree weather.

Another phone call, on a Sunday afternoon after church, window shopping on Oxford Street, “ What would you like me to get you? My gift to you,” I would say and she, “ Have you seen any nice culottes?” She loved culottes, even before they were thing. She had this green pair, I think its still in her wardrobe. I always thought they were a weird piece of clothing…until now 🙂

I really do miss her.

“They say time’s supposed to heal you, but I ain done much healing”

I have probably spent close to three hours looking for pictures of  you. Going through everything I had in my archives made me realize that behind the camera is where you liked to be! You wanted to be the one to capture the moments and keep them close! But then again the “selfie” wasn’t as big in your time….lol

I found pictures though, turns out other people liked you in front of the camera and giiiiiiiiiiiirl I know why! You stunning pretty little miss thang! 🙂

Today was hard mum, i never thought it would be, but there’s something about having you as my first thought when I wake up and you remaining just that, a thought! There’s no option to call or text, there’s no planning of dates because I miss you, nothing….just a Hello from the other side 🙁

I’m sorry my “hello” came with tears but when it comes to you my tears run through uncontrollably,especially when we are out here  talking about how ” It’s been two years since…” An uncontrollable faucet…

I was absolutely unproductive today! I did nothing but stare at your pictures . Ocassionally I got distracted with the internet and its wonders but then my thoughts were quickly re-directed to you.

“Are you okay?” That had to be the hardest question I had to answer all day. How do I say yes when I mean no because im busy trying to avoid a pity party, and at the same time push back the tears at the brim of my eyelids just waiting for that trigger emotion?

It was hard, but easier than it was two years ago when I got the horrible news. Definitely easier than when I saw you wrapped up in that white linen. Much easier mum,than when I had to pay you tribute and the words were being blocked by hot tears and i really had to force myself to pull it together.Easier than when I had to let you go six feet under, alone. Much easier mum, but hard all the same.

I don’t know why you can’t be here today, I don’t know why you have to miss all my big moments, I don’t know why I don’t have the chance to tell current stories and have an ” In fact my mum said….” or “My mum was asking…”

Let me not be selfish though, I am glad PAIN is not a word in your vocabulary! That Joy, laughter and sunshine are the order of your days. I am glad that you are well. I believe that you are well.

This was me just checking in, a hello from the other side on your anniversary!

Stay well pretty,

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I LOVE YOU.

B

XX

So I wrote this post months ago when I first went through her funeral service book this year, however, I did not publish it because I was not too sure if it was true. If i really indeed felt like I was healing or at least on the road to healing, the closest road at that. 

Funny thing is, I am still not sure, I have a lot going on and I am very uncertain, however, I think it is best if I put up the post anyway. It just might be the first step to actual healing. Also i have been glancing at my stats page every now and then and I get disappointed at myself for not leaving you guys with any content and for that I apologize.

Anyway, onto it then.

I think I am healing.

I think I am here to tell you that I am healing.

I think that healing of the heart is possible.

You see I have her Funeral Service program in my room. We all do actually. In fact,I think we have one in every corner of the house. There was a point we were giving them out way after the funeral to whoever visited the house. Especially to those who did not attend the funeral or did not hear of the news until much later.

I was giving them out because I wanted everyone to know what a remarkable woman my mother was. I wanted them to all see the beauty she radiated because she was one stunning woman. I wanted to make sure my mother’s name would not be forgotten. I did not want to forget her and I did not want anybody else to either.

Anyway, so before, any time I would take the program into my hands in the past I would literally break down. I did not even have to flip too many pages to ignite the water works ( See what I did there?) they would just flow as if on cue.

This time however, the first time this year I was going through it, it was different. I cried…obviously, I’m just that emotional girl. But the tears were not painful tears. I did not end up having a headache the whole day after crying. There was no painful knot in my throat when the memories were flashing back. I had a good cry.

Maybe it is just this one time…maybe I was just at a different place this time and I was being positive. Maybe the next time I go through it, the painful knot will form again. However, at least this time it was not there.

Each day at a time. I have learned there is no other way to do this. In fact there is no other way to live life but each day at a time. Why am I talking like I have an option? It is not like we are given two days at a go. Each day. It is because I had not fully encompassed this phrase into my life before.

I have now. Living like there is no tomorrow. Letting tomorrow….if it does come…to deal with itself..tomorrow. But today..I shall deal with today because It is all I have. P.s. I shall deal with tomorrow too..If I have tomorrow…I just needed my sentence there to flow a little bit.lol

Anyway I hope those on my bandwagon are in this stage, the stage of feeling and realizing that you are possibly healing and then letting it happen. Not letting it go..I mean you can let it go..but is that a thing we want? To let it go? are we meant to?

Love and love

B.

xx

So before we go any further I have to apologize for my absence on here. I have been super busy. I know we all have…but I have not had a moment to catch my breath and hence the silence.

With the way things were going, it was bound to be longer, but trust cancer to give me a reason to be here. I am not sure I should even be thanking her for letting me write to you guys or not. I am so mad at her.

She just has no chills.

None.

She doesn’t understand that what she puts us through is not easy to get out of. That It takes a whole lot for us to go a day without shedding a tear. Without reliving memories that make it even harder. Without hearing their laughter across the hall and wishing they were still here.

Cancer, she has done it again. Not to me, but to someone very close to me. So close that when he broke the news to me, I felt like I was reliving my own experience with Cancer. My heart broke in two for him and my hate for cancer just doubled up a notch(Does this make sense?) and God knows how much that hate is.

She has taken his mother and I don’t know what to tell him. That it will get better? How,when I don’t even know what better is myself?Sorry? Because obviously that will bring her back? I know how you feel?And so what if I do? Chances are I do not, the situation is never the same. We are in this together? Who wants a welcome card to a motherless life? It happens to the best of us? Because if that is the case , then even I don’t want to be a part of “the best”. I am dumbfounded.

All I know is that I feel his pain in almost equal measure. The loss of a mother is not anything easy to deal with. Today, tomorrow, next year….I doubt it will ever be easy. When she leaves you know she has left.  I thought it was just me who felt my mother leave this realm, but he claims it too. It is real. And if the connection is that deep, you can now understand what pain it is when you know that she is no longer there.

I am broken. My heart has been shattered all over again. Cancer is on a mission and she is claiming our mothers and we cannot stop her.

She needs to be stopped. We need a cure. Stop her in her tracks and tell her no more. Is there a doctor out there?

I pass my sincere condolences to you my friend and  I pray that your mother’s soul rests in Eternal peace. I pray that you and your family my receive peace the surpasses all understanding to help you understand the will of God and accept it. That all the provisions you require during this time will be availed . That you see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point and try to stay positive. That the days following will get easier as each one passes by and the knowledge of your new angel in Heaven may keep you going.

I will always be here for you even when many get caught up with life and forget. I will always be here for you so that we can break down together and thereafter share a moment of prayer. I will be here when you need to cry . I will be here when you need to cry some more. I will still be here when you need me to listen to you. I will be here when you just want to sit in silence and want to think about her but you do not want to do it alone. I will be here when you are finally ready to start the healing process. I will definitely be here.

I love you always.

Every Corner of Nairobi reminds me of her. Okay maybe not every corner and not reminded the way you are picturing it.

You see in Sweden..No one knew about my mum except the few that I had let get close to me.Therefore she was never a topic of discussion unless I was the one who put it on the table. At home though, I have realized, more often than not I am pushed into a corner where I have to mention her passing or speak about her and then it has to be in past tense and it is so weird for me.

The hardest for me is when I had to tell our hair dresser that she had passed. It was months after and I had not been to that salon for a while. She went on and on about how she had missed us and then asked about my sister. I gave her an up to date report and then hoped it would end there. But I knew it was coming…I just hoped it was not.

“And mum? How is she doing? It has been a while. Is she well?” Those may not have been the exact words, but it went something like that. Now see I did not know where to start. I think she knew she had been sick but I wasn’t sure. So do I have to explain that too? Okay no…That is way too long. Let me just get it out of the way.

“Mum is not here anymore”. At that point I had not let the idea sink in and I did not have the capability to say “Mum passed away” right off the bat. So she asked me again. ” What do you mean she is not here anymore?” ALL THE WHILE…i was dying inside. I was trying to hold back painful hot tears, I was trying to push away that memory of her that just came flashing by, I was trying to stay in my bubble and not accept reality.

“Oh you didn’t hear?” I still couldn’t say it…I just kept breaking myself more inside. ” Hear what?” “Mummy passed away” 🙁 It was the hardest thing I ever had to say. Her reaction of shock and disbelief made it ten times worse. Till to date I am very uncomfortable when I have to explain or mention it.

Unfortunately though, it has come up in more than one conversation when I have to explain something but It will not make sense without the back story. The back story being of her demise. How am I meant to talk about anything now. Is it a disclaimer I have to give before I say anything? Sometimes I avoid the topic so much, but because people don’t know why I am avoiding giving them a particular answer, they keep pushing it. I think I have told the story twice or thrice already since I have been back.

It does not cause me to cry or get emotional. But I hate the fact that it puts me in a position that people have to pity me. I hate the “sorry’s ” that come with the acquisition of the piece of information. Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate that you sympathize with me. I just don’t want to be treated different because of it. Or for people to act different around me because of it.

I thank God my friends grasped this fast enough and they never put me in that situation.

Some days this journey seems to get easier by the day and then sometimes it seems like I am taking ten steps back. Sometimes I feel like I am truly well on my way to healing and then sometimes I feel like I am not even a mile shy to the finishing point.  Is there a finishing point? Do we ever really get to a point like that? Does it exist?

I miss her. xx

eyes tears

It is okay to cry. It is okay to let tears flow.I know I said I don’t cry, but I only don’t cry(that sounds queer) in front of them. Otherwise, I CRY! ALL THE TIME!

They say girls are emotional, if you don’t believe it, maybe we should become friends just so that you know how far “emotional” goes. and then after that, key in that I am grieving. But( Never start a sentence with ‘but’, and well ,here we are *hides*) I am almost 100% sure you all know how emotional girls are. When those waves of missing her kick in, I cry, I cry myself to sleep, I cry before I leave the house, sometimes they come when I am in School…I don’t cry there but i try to be on my own very much at such a time because if someone was to ask me “Are you okay” the water works would give way and I would probably create a small lake around me.

I cry..no silly, not every single day of every month. My life isn’t so bad, I have been highly blessed and favored. I can’t show God how unappreciative I am. I am not the only one in the whole world who doesn’t have a mum.

What I am saying is that, when you need to cry, when you’re so sad and you cannot think of anything else, when there is that uncomfortable “kiwaru” ( Guys! The stats show that my readers are not only Kenyans, clap clap! Now, Kiwaru = Uncomfortable Knot? I think. In your throat)at the center of your throat that you can only get rid of when you cry…then cry my dear child, cry.

Whether it is your mother,father,brother,sister,friend,uncle or aunt,grams or gramps, Cancer or otherwise, just cry. You need to offload sometimes. It is therapeutic,crying. You release everything you have been holding in.You cleanse your soul and your heart AND your eyes, until the next time when you need cleansing.

Grieving is a process. It doesn’t take a month or two, a year or two, it might ,people are different, but then again it might not. You are allowed to have a few bad days where you just cry. It is part of the healing. Don’t be afraid to. Those who love you will understand when you cry in front of them. your friends? They will understand. If you have kids like me though, maybe let us cry in the bathroom? I think so.

okay now( I think this is becoming a thing),go cry and then have a lovely day 🙂

I shall write again soon( Probably tomorrow)

Love and love,

B.

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good tears