Tag

Healing

It is a letter to heaven but addressed to just one.

The third or fourth of its kind that I have penned down.

A letter to the one who gave me life and led me through it for 20 years.

An open letter to the one whose role I now play, 4 years later.

4 years, it has been 4 years but it only feels like yesterday.

An open letter to my queen in heaven, the one I called mom.

We had cake in our mouths, lol

How time flies.

In a few days, we will be having her memorial service.

A full year has gone by…another one.

Yet another year that we wish would have been spent in her presence.

Another year of hows and what ifs. A year of tears and laughter. Another year of sadness and happiness. All the motions that we only wish we would have gone through with her by our side.

I have not cried in a while. I forced myself to forget but also, apparently, it does get better in time.

So I wrote this post months ago when I first went through her funeral service book this year, however, I did not publish it because I was not too sure if it was true. If i really indeed felt like I was healing or at least on the road to healing, the closest road at that. 

Funny thing is, I am still not sure, I have a lot going on and I am very uncertain, however, I think it is best if I put up the post anyway. It just might be the first step to actual healing. Also i have been glancing at my stats page every now and then and I get disappointed at myself for not leaving you guys with any content and for that I apologize.

Anyway, onto it then.

I think I am healing.

I think I am here to tell you that I am healing.

I think that healing of the heart is possible.

You see I have her Funeral Service program in my room. We all do actually. In fact,I think we have one in every corner of the house. There was a point we were giving them out way after the funeral to whoever visited the house. Especially to those who did not attend the funeral or did not hear of the news until much later.

I was giving them out because I wanted everyone to know what a remarkable woman my mother was. I wanted them to all see the beauty she radiated because she was one stunning woman. I wanted to make sure my mother’s name would not be forgotten. I did not want to forget her and I did not want anybody else to either.

Anyway, so before, any time I would take the program into my hands in the past I would literally break down. I did not even have to flip too many pages to ignite the water works ( See what I did there?) they would just flow as if on cue.

This time however, the first time this year I was going through it, it was different. I cried…obviously, I’m just that emotional girl. But the tears were not painful tears. I did not end up having a headache the whole day after crying. There was no painful knot in my throat when the memories were flashing back. I had a good cry.

Maybe it is just this one time…maybe I was just at a different place this time and I was being positive. Maybe the next time I go through it, the painful knot will form again. However, at least this time it was not there.

Each day at a time. I have learned there is no other way to do this. In fact there is no other way to live life but each day at a time. Why am I talking like I have an option? It is not like we are given two days at a go. Each day. It is because I had not fully encompassed this phrase into my life before.

I have now. Living like there is no tomorrow. Letting tomorrow….if it does come…to deal with itself..tomorrow. But today..I shall deal with today because It is all I have. P.s. I shall deal with tomorrow too..If I have tomorrow…I just needed my sentence there to flow a little bit.lol

Anyway I hope those on my bandwagon are in this stage, the stage of feeling and realizing that you are possibly healing and then letting it happen. Not letting it go..I mean you can let it go..but is that a thing we want? To let it go? are we meant to?

Love and love

B.

xx

So before we go any further I have to apologize for my absence on here. I have been super busy. I know we all have…but I have not had a moment to catch my breath and hence the silence.

With the way things were going, it was bound to be longer, but trust cancer to give me a reason to be here. I am not sure I should even be thanking her for letting me write to you guys or not. I am so mad at her.

She just has no chills.

None.

She doesn’t understand that what she puts us through is not easy to get out of. That It takes a whole lot for us to go a day without shedding a tear. Without reliving memories that make it even harder. Without hearing their laughter across the hall and wishing they were still here.

Cancer, she has done it again. Not to me, but to someone very close to me. So close that when he broke the news to me, I felt like I was reliving my own experience with Cancer. My heart broke in two for him and my hate for cancer just doubled up a notch(Does this make sense?) and God knows how much that hate is.

She has taken his mother and I don’t know what to tell him. That it will get better? How,when I don’t even know what better is myself?Sorry? Because obviously that will bring her back? I know how you feel?And so what if I do? Chances are I do not, the situation is never the same. We are in this together? Who wants a welcome card to a motherless life? It happens to the best of us? Because if that is the case , then even I don’t want to be a part of “the best”. I am dumbfounded.

All I know is that I feel his pain in almost equal measure. The loss of a mother is not anything easy to deal with. Today, tomorrow, next year….I doubt it will ever be easy. When she leaves you know she has left.  I thought it was just me who felt my mother leave this realm, but he claims it too. It is real. And if the connection is that deep, you can now understand what pain it is when you know that she is no longer there.

I am broken. My heart has been shattered all over again. Cancer is on a mission and she is claiming our mothers and we cannot stop her.

She needs to be stopped. We need a cure. Stop her in her tracks and tell her no more. Is there a doctor out there?

I pass my sincere condolences to you my friend and  I pray that your mother’s soul rests in Eternal peace. I pray that you and your family my receive peace the surpasses all understanding to help you understand the will of God and accept it. That all the provisions you require during this time will be availed . That you see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point and try to stay positive. That the days following will get easier as each one passes by and the knowledge of your new angel in Heaven may keep you going.

I will always be here for you even when many get caught up with life and forget. I will always be here for you so that we can break down together and thereafter share a moment of prayer. I will be here when you need to cry . I will be here when you need to cry some more. I will still be here when you need me to listen to you. I will be here when you just want to sit in silence and want to think about her but you do not want to do it alone. I will be here when you are finally ready to start the healing process. I will definitely be here.

I love you always.

Like I said, Nairobi is always bringing her up. Not Nairobi but the people in Nairobi. But not like that…just like…you know…well she was known here…and…i don’t know how else to put it.

Anyway…

It is always something here. She will always come up. Especially when I am here. It is not that I don’t want her to come up. It is not that I don’t want us to remember her. It is not that I want to push it away. It is just…

See when I embarked on this blogging journey. On this journey of letting go. On this journey of healing. I got into it with the idea that at some point I would forget. But not like forget..more of tuck her away in a little special corner of my heart and only visit that place when I felt like I needed to.

I also thought it would become a distant memory. Sort of like what Sweden will be in a few months before I go back.How I will not be able to re live the time there again but I will always have the memories close by and I will refer to them at my own will. To put a smile on my face and then just as fast as they came into my mind, will they be gone. Distant memory.

However, I have learned that, that may not be the case. It might not be the case.

You see there is no forgetting like that when, a very old house help calls you months after your whole life was turned up side down to tell you ” Barbara aki pole, nilisoma kwa gazetti eti…” . Not when that was a house help you loved dearly and you know she feels your pain.

There is no forgetting when you get into an accident on your FIRST day back in the country and the lady who you happened to ram into goes ” Abwoga? Was the Late Irene your mother? I used to work with her”

and then goes into detail about her last moments with her. Yes…on the side of the road. On waiyaki way. On a Thursday morning. I even forgot that I had just got into an accident. I forgot that I was causing a traffic build up. I almost forgot that I was rushing to class and I was definitely going to be late. I forgot that when you crash someone’s car you have to work up a payment agreement of some sort.

How much of a coincidence was that though? I just looked up and went like “Mum stop your jokes, I am late”

forget

I have come to accept that there is no forgetting her. And quite frankly , forgetting is the last thing I want to do. A distant memory? I don’t want that either…I actually ,now, have no idea how I want this process to go. So far all I know is that I want to be void of the pain and hurt other than that….Let me crash into you…crash into me…let us stop and talk about the beautiful Irene Abwoga. The mother of three. The wife of one.The friend of many. A sister. A daughter. An aunt. My mother. Let us talk about her? Please? Just no pity…it is all I ask.

And then I just re read all that and the tears are welling up. She is not here anymore. She will never be here again. I Truly do miss her. May she rest in Eternal Peace.

I love you mummy.

xx

learning

Every Corner of Nairobi reminds me of her. Okay maybe not every corner and not reminded the way you are picturing it.

You see in Sweden..No one knew about my mum except the few that I had let get close to me.Therefore she was never a topic of discussion unless I was the one who put it on the table. At home though, I have realized, more often than not I am pushed into a corner where I have to mention her passing or speak about her and then it has to be in past tense and it is so weird for me.

The hardest for me is when I had to tell our hair dresser that she had passed. It was months after and I had not been to that salon for a while. She went on and on about how she had missed us and then asked about my sister. I gave her an up to date report and then hoped it would end there. But I knew it was coming…I just hoped it was not.

“And mum? How is she doing? It has been a while. Is she well?” Those may not have been the exact words, but it went something like that. Now see I did not know where to start. I think she knew she had been sick but I wasn’t sure. So do I have to explain that too? Okay no…That is way too long. Let me just get it out of the way.

“Mum is not here anymore”. At that point I had not let the idea sink in and I did not have the capability to say “Mum passed away” right off the bat. So she asked me again. ” What do you mean she is not here anymore?” ALL THE WHILE…i was dying inside. I was trying to hold back painful hot tears, I was trying to push away that memory of her that just came flashing by, I was trying to stay in my bubble and not accept reality.

“Oh you didn’t hear?” I still couldn’t say it…I just kept breaking myself more inside. ” Hear what?” “Mummy passed away” 🙁 It was the hardest thing I ever had to say. Her reaction of shock and disbelief made it ten times worse. Till to date I am very uncomfortable when I have to explain or mention it.

Unfortunately though, it has come up in more than one conversation when I have to explain something but It will not make sense without the back story. The back story being of her demise. How am I meant to talk about anything now. Is it a disclaimer I have to give before I say anything? Sometimes I avoid the topic so much, but because people don’t know why I am avoiding giving them a particular answer, they keep pushing it. I think I have told the story twice or thrice already since I have been back.

It does not cause me to cry or get emotional. But I hate the fact that it puts me in a position that people have to pity me. I hate the “sorry’s ” that come with the acquisition of the piece of information. Don’t get me wrong…I appreciate that you sympathize with me. I just don’t want to be treated different because of it. Or for people to act different around me because of it.

I thank God my friends grasped this fast enough and they never put me in that situation.

Some days this journey seems to get easier by the day and then sometimes it seems like I am taking ten steps back. Sometimes I feel like I am truly well on my way to healing and then sometimes I feel like I am not even a mile shy to the finishing point.  Is there a finishing point? Do we ever really get to a point like that? Does it exist?

I miss her. xx

It happened when I left for the world,lol, but even before that I knew. I just didn’t know where or how to start. But I knew I was ready to start. To start the healing process and letting go. To finally come to terms with the loss and to pick myself and wipe the dust off.

About two months prior to her passing, my mum had lost one of her sisters. This particular sister she really Loved. She loved all her sisters and they were the best of friends but her sister Catherine she had a special love for her. She loved her so much so that at her funeral she made sure everyone danced and celebrated her Sister’s life because it is what she would have wanted. But inside I think she also did it because she was thankful that her sisters pain was all gone and now she could rest.

That death really affected me more than I thought it would.

I was not able to sleep with my lights off for those two months and I would wake up in between my sleep panicking. Many times when my dad would come to check up on me, I would get frightened and move with a start ,confused about my whereabouts.

Then my mum passed and all this was heightened. With my mum though, I begged her in my prayers to go in peace and not appear in my dreams. My aunt never did, but with my mum I didn’t know. ( You know how they say the dead come to you in your dreams? No? Well i have heard stories) She out of all people knew just how much of a weak soul I have. I don’t know if it is the soul that is weak but there is some strength in me that I lack. Night mares get the best of me and anything and everything startles me.

It is so bad that I would squeeze in my parents bed with my mum whenever I would freak out. She would always tease me about this because at my size and age she couldn’t understand for the life of her what was wrong with me. Yaaap 20 years and I would occasionally sleep with my mother. lol . That sounds wrong, I mean I would sleep next to her in her bed.

So anyway, I asked her. I said that it was not because I wanted to forget her but because I was just not strong enough for that. I was sure she would understand. She knew only too well how deep that went.

And so for about the next four months after her passing the only way I would sleep in my bed was if the lights were on. I slowly upgraded to where I would sleep with the lights off if my Dad turned them off but it had to be MANY hours after I had already gone to bed.

Out of nowhere though,,, one evening I went to bed and I turned off the lights myself. I hadn’t even noticed until the next morning when it hit me. That moment, that is when I knew I was ready to let my mum and aunt rest in peace. It was when I knew it was time to heal and move on.

That “strength” I was on about earlier? I have some of it now. At least I can proudly say it has been many many months since I last slept with my lights on. I mean I had to acquire it anyway. My dad would have been happy to keep turning them off but there is not much he can do from Kenya when his baby girl is in Sweden right? Small things still scare me but living alone builds a bone in you immune to fear, okay maybe not, but basically I had to man up and face my fear and I did. It is possible.

So if you are grieving and you are still holding on, but it is breaking you into tiny pieces and you want to move on but you just can’t? Be patient. The time is coming when you will be mentally prepared to move one, you will just know. For now, let it all out till there is no more in you. Until you are at peace.

Love and love,

B.

I think this is an appropriate time for taking stock, since I will be back home in a couple of days and it will be good to kind of point me in the direction I want to go. Assuming of course, my sub conscious has a direction planned. We write this off the top of our heads right? We hope that it is productive…Here we go!

Making : Plans to buy shares and invest in a project. 2015 is for wealth generation guys.

Cooking: Nothing at the moment, I am in bed, It is about 10am. Barbara’s 5 year old son and I are just lounging.

Drinking : A lot of green tea and Caramel Vanilla Tea. I love being in Sala!

Reading : Nothing . I started on Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling but it was a borrowed book and I had to give it back so I might have to find it on the Internet. I am however, going to buy a swedish Novel and my goal is to read it in 5months. I am allowed because it is not in English. Jag är glad! 🙂

Wanting : To go to the coast for a weekend. Soak in that Mombasa sun. However, I hear Nairobi is just as hot so maybe I should spend the money on more shares?

Playing : In the snow every TIME i get out of the house! Sala is more North than Växjö and so they get much more depth. I literally cannot see my boots when I walk in the thick of it . I love it.

Wasting : No time this semester. That GPA is moving on up guys.

Sewing: Nothing, I’m just not gifted like that. My friend Teshie is though, Check it. It is more than sewing though http://teshieogallo.wordpress.com/  I am new to linking.

Wishing: I get time to re-decorate my room at home. At the moment it feels like a 21 year old girl refusing to let go of her 12 year old self. And there is too much of everything everywhere. Time to re-paint and re-organize.

Enjoying : My last days in Sweden. I shall truly miss this place but I am already looking at possibilities of coming back, give me about two years .

Liking: The gift I got for my dad….doesn’t come close enough to express my gratitude though. I love my daddy.

Marveling : At how easy it is for me to gain and lose weight when I’m at peace. MARVELOUS!

Needing : To get my bags checked in like yesterday. Oh how I am dreading that journey to the airport.

Smelling : Oh I don’t know….BUT, i got a new fragrance!! A friend sent me one as a gift to the UK so that my brother could go back home with it but I have no idea what it is,can’t wait to see!

Wearing : My hair in pig tails since last week. I am feeling 12 ish.

Following : Numerous fitness pages. I have an ideal body goal and I am determined. Hehe, the little things that you do for YOU that make you happy, It is allowed.

Noticing : That the world is a pool of opportunities. I love it! This 2015 energy that everyone’s got has me feeling some type of way. Also…i have been typing ‘ancy’ when I actually mean “Antsy” , so embarrassing though.

Knowing : that  i will be very frustrated with the pace at which things work in Kenya. Once you experience efficiency, there is no turning back. Sigh.

Thinking : I should then learn to control my anger and be a bit more patient, raising my voice and eye rolling them will not make them do it any faster.Sigh.

Feeling : Very excited but very anxious to go back home. I’m gonna miss my swede families and friends so much and all the people I met back at my host university,however, I cannot wait to see my family and all my friends!

Bookmarking : uuum wow…now that I’m not reading a book. This is a bit tricky.

Opening : A new bank account when I am back home at a different bank! Let us just say I am most dissatisfied with the service at my current. Also opening a savings account.

Giggling : At how silly I am for not noticing the features on my laptop. This thing sends me news updates and foods to eat and fitness exercises and I had no idea. lol

That’s it for today folks,

love and love,

B.