Tag

life checks

How Long over due is this post though? Blame it on how stressful my life is at the moment. I need a vacation or two with the way things are going to be honest. All the same though, It is finally here.

Making: A lot of noise as I break this Ice cube in my mouth. Is this a bad habit? Is it bad for my teeth?

Cooking : The menu for this week has Honey dipped pork chops included in it and boy am I EXCITED! I made Lasagna last week and it gave me quite the rush. I love being in the Kitchen. It sucks that I can’t do it everyday.

Drinking : Soda! It has started creeping up back into my diet, I NEED TO STOP!

Reading :I haven’t read my novels in weeks 🙁 I got caught up with school. This is bad.

Wanting: CHANGE! Change is good. Some people are afraid of change and rightfully so. However,being able to move from your comfort zone, into a “new” zone, one that brings positive change of course, is essential for your growth. EMBRACE IT!

Playing : 4- 5 Seconds by Rihanna, Kanye and Paul McCartney. LOVE IT!

Wasting : Time sleeping. I am annoyed at this!

Wishing : I could rewind my life back to last year December and January this year. I was mentally, Physically and emotionally at a good place. Right now?Not so much.

Enjoying : Being off the grid. Taking a break from social media every once in a while is healthy. A NICE CLEAN breath of fresh air. * Too much repetition in that sentence but only for emphasis 🙂 *

Liking : My squat progress!!Lol.

Wondering: How is that GPA gonna go up? The studies are literally murdering me.

Loving: My friends Company. The type that shows up at my house on a Friday morning for breakfast and ring the Bell like they own the place. After which studying for like ten minutes follows and then DANCE SESSION till dark. I love you all from here to the moon and back times INFINITY! See you Friday?

Marveling : at online series watching. I mean I knew it existed but I was addicted to downloads,,,This side of the grass though, Too green. lol

Needing: To disappear for a few days. Put myself together and start again? Recollection is always a good thing no?

Smelling : Of my perfume duuh. lol

Wearing: A black maxi dress…The weather has outlined the essentials.

Following :EMPIRE….finally! But Guys what was the hype? I mean Cookie is quite something but other than  that? Sigh….as Vanessa, Joy and Feizal eyeball me. Lol

Noticing : That I can make or break me. Just me alone. I DEFINE ME. It is up to ME! I need to stop blaming other people.

Wishing you guys a wonderful month, just in case I am not able to write to you soon. I am sure you understand.

God bless,

love and love

B.xx

Its already well into the month. Okay maybe not so much into it, but with the way time is flying it might as well be the 25th of March tomorrow.

The past few months have been hectic, emotional and even draining as it were. I will have attended two funerals by Friday and the nervous break down I had the other day is just an added bonus . I was in a funk for about a week too, it has just been too much. My previous post just reeks of all that “low vibe”.

I am constantly in panic mode about everything. The future mostly, it is seriously starting to bug me about how uncertain it is. Which is so dumb because , uuum, it IS the future, we are not meant to know about it now.

We are always told to focus on the present, to live for today and make the most of TODAY but, is it wrong to feel horrible  that you don’t know what tomorrow holds? To let it drive you to such a state?

I guess I have learned that I am the type of person that likes to have everything work out in a certain way and I like to be in control. Because obviously, not being in control drives me insane at times.

Do you feel this way sometimes? Or am I just talking nonsense? Nothing you have ever experienced?

If you have though, this is just to tell you that it is not just you. Also, we are never EVER going to be in control of the future. We might try to make way for things to work in a specific way and prepare for the future, but we will never be able to be in control.  So Cliche…I’m sure you have heard this from so many different people…but I guess then this is a message to self?  You can stop reading now to be honest, I am not saying anything new.

You are still reading? I really hoped you would be. You know…read on and see what this girl is talking about?Thank you.

So  anyway for more of my cliches.

Live. Live for today. For the Present. Funny that I am telling you this and yet I barely adhere to those words. But that was yesterday and the weeks that have passed,,, Today came about though and I promised to heed those words. I was filled with a whole new energy.

I am ready to be content with not knowing the future and the things that I cannot control and making the most out of what I have.

I’m finally out of the funk that I have been in…which is great news. Anyone I talked to lately knows I was at a serious low. I sort of know now, why I was in that state. Why i was somewhat depressed. ( Keyword SOMEWHAT, I am not depressed. Too blessed to be depressed bruh 🙂 ) It is time to start making changes because that is not a state that I want to be in anymore.

p.s. Yesterday’s post was written early last week, just in case you are wondering how quick I went in and out of that “Funk” Lol

Otherwise….Wishing you beautiful souls a Happy New Month. May you make the most out of today and all the very best with tomorrow.

Love and Love,

B.

Like I said, Nairobi is always bringing her up. Not Nairobi but the people in Nairobi. But not like that…just like…you know…well she was known here…and…i don’t know how else to put it.

Anyway…

It is always something here. She will always come up. Especially when I am here. It is not that I don’t want her to come up. It is not that I don’t want us to remember her. It is not that I want to push it away. It is just…

See when I embarked on this blogging journey. On this journey of letting go. On this journey of healing. I got into it with the idea that at some point I would forget. But not like forget..more of tuck her away in a little special corner of my heart and only visit that place when I felt like I needed to.

I also thought it would become a distant memory. Sort of like what Sweden will be in a few months before I go back.How I will not be able to re live the time there again but I will always have the memories close by and I will refer to them at my own will. To put a smile on my face and then just as fast as they came into my mind, will they be gone. Distant memory.

However, I have learned that, that may not be the case. It might not be the case.

You see there is no forgetting like that when, a very old house help calls you months after your whole life was turned up side down to tell you ” Barbara aki pole, nilisoma kwa gazetti eti…” . Not when that was a house help you loved dearly and you know she feels your pain.

There is no forgetting when you get into an accident on your FIRST day back in the country and the lady who you happened to ram into goes ” Abwoga? Was the Late Irene your mother? I used to work with her”

and then goes into detail about her last moments with her. Yes…on the side of the road. On waiyaki way. On a Thursday morning. I even forgot that I had just got into an accident. I forgot that I was causing a traffic build up. I almost forgot that I was rushing to class and I was definitely going to be late. I forgot that when you crash someone’s car you have to work up a payment agreement of some sort.

How much of a coincidence was that though? I just looked up and went like “Mum stop your jokes, I am late”

forget

I have come to accept that there is no forgetting her. And quite frankly , forgetting is the last thing I want to do. A distant memory? I don’t want that either…I actually ,now, have no idea how I want this process to go. So far all I know is that I want to be void of the pain and hurt other than that….Let me crash into you…crash into me…let us stop and talk about the beautiful Irene Abwoga. The mother of three. The wife of one.The friend of many. A sister. A daughter. An aunt. My mother. Let us talk about her? Please? Just no pity…it is all I ask.

And then I just re read all that and the tears are welling up. She is not here anymore. She will never be here again. I Truly do miss her. May she rest in Eternal Peace.

I love you mummy.

xx

learning

Happy New Month you beautiful people!! I can’t believe how fast January went by, I barely got time to catch my breath and process the month. Everything is just happening so fast. Anyway…its time for another one of these. Here we go!

Making : Short memory notes for all the Cats I have tomorrow!!

Cooking : I haven’t chopped onions or put a pan on the cooker since I came back. I am slacking…this month though, Barbara’s Kitchen! In fact, i might just make dinner tonight.

Drinking : I think my answer will always be water. And let us not forget how hot it is in Nairobi, Water has literally become the S.I Unit of my life.

Reading : The devil Wears Prada, The Swedish Version!!!! I am still on page one but with the way my life has been moving so fast, I think I am allowed.

Wanting : To arrange my room and stop living off ” The chair” . I finally unpacked my suitcase but I didn’t get to arranging my wardrobe so then well…the chair.

the chair

Playing : ” Kisses for breakfast, Early in the morning … ” It is stuck in my head now!

Wasting : No time and No money! I am doing well guys!! 🙂

Sewing : SIGH! I will remove this question….Il never have a positive answer.

Wishing : I could go back to that ” Winter Life “. My skin got so used to the cold, I literally burn up when I’m in the sun for too long. Like I could be on fire. But I appreciate the sun don’t get me wrong.

Enjoying : Spending time with my friends! Life makes no sense without them around.

Liking : The progress of my shares talk! Soon il be all about that stock exchange life! Excited!

Wondering :Where I will be in the next five months. Like mentally, physically,emotionally…all that.How firm will the decisions I make now..be then?

Loving : The fact that I got a job!! I cannot wait to sign the contract to make it official. I probably should have waited to sign first before getting all excited. But I BELIEVE it will all go well.

Marveling : At all the positive energy around me. The grass is so much greener on this side. Who has the time or energy for negative vibes even?

Needing : A fortune teller! I am currently not liking how unpredictable the future is. Usually I don’t mind,, today though…I really could use a fortune teller. Maybe it is just today though.

Smelling : Smelling? Do you smell of something? If you smell of something it means you stink no? like instead of “nuka” we use “nukia” if its a good scent right? In English then? Lol…anyway Strawberry body mist from The body Shop! It is just a requirement for this weather.

Wearing : A lot of black and white outfits. I did not even realize that that is my current new obsession.

Following : Well being followed by 1,146 followers on my blog!!! I passed the 1K mark!! You guys are such Gems!! Thank you! Asante sana! Tack sa mycket!! 🙂  * Follow follow follow *

Noticing : That I care not for updating my everyday life details down to the nitty gritty’s on social media anymore. I think I am about done with my instagram page…lol. Are we growing up? We…sorry, am I? ( Don’t judge if I put up a picture soon)

Knowing : That I need a whole day’s sleep to recover from how busy I have been of late.

Thinking : All things are possible.

Feeling : ENERGIZED! Like I could do anything I wanted. I have this crazy drive…..hop on guys!

Bookmarking : The chapters of my course texts for my Finance classes! Let me tell you, this Semester will be the end of me! Only for a new re birth of course 🙂

Opening : uuum….I can’t think of anything today.

Giggling : at how comical people can be.

That is it Folks…until when I next have a minute.

Love and Love,

B.

It is 30th January. I haven’t delivered on the promised posts. Catching up with school has all of me occupied. I will try in the coming few months to have at least one of “these” posts until i feel like I have exhausted my word love for Sweden and Europe in general. Today though we can have a summary? yes?Maybe? Enjoy!

I think this is an appropriate time for taking stock, since I will be back home in a couple of days and it will be good to kind of point me in the direction I want to go. Assuming of course, my sub conscious has a direction planned. We write this off the top of our heads right? We hope that it is productive…Here we go!

Making : Plans to buy shares and invest in a project. 2015 is for wealth generation guys.

Cooking: Nothing at the moment, I am in bed, It is about 10am. Barbara’s 5 year old son and I are just lounging.

Drinking : A lot of green tea and Caramel Vanilla Tea. I love being in Sala!

Reading : Nothing . I started on Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling but it was a borrowed book and I had to give it back so I might have to find it on the Internet. I am however, going to buy a swedish Novel and my goal is to read it in 5months. I am allowed because it is not in English. Jag är glad! 🙂

Wanting : To go to the coast for a weekend. Soak in that Mombasa sun. However, I hear Nairobi is just as hot so maybe I should spend the money on more shares?

Playing : In the snow every TIME i get out of the house! Sala is more North than Växjö and so they get much more depth. I literally cannot see my boots when I walk in the thick of it . I love it.

Wasting : No time this semester. That GPA is moving on up guys.

Sewing: Nothing, I’m just not gifted like that. My friend Teshie is though, Check it. It is more than sewing though http://teshieogallo.wordpress.com/  I am new to linking.

Wishing: I get time to re-decorate my room at home. At the moment it feels like a 21 year old girl refusing to let go of her 12 year old self. And there is too much of everything everywhere. Time to re-paint and re-organize.

Enjoying : My last days in Sweden. I shall truly miss this place but I am already looking at possibilities of coming back, give me about two years .

Liking: The gift I got for my dad….doesn’t come close enough to express my gratitude though. I love my daddy.

Marveling : At how easy it is for me to gain and lose weight when I’m at peace. MARVELOUS!

Needing : To get my bags checked in like yesterday. Oh how I am dreading that journey to the airport.

Smelling : Oh I don’t know….BUT, i got a new fragrance!! A friend sent me one as a gift to the UK so that my brother could go back home with it but I have no idea what it is,can’t wait to see!

Wearing : My hair in pig tails since last week. I am feeling 12 ish.

Following : Numerous fitness pages. I have an ideal body goal and I am determined. Hehe, the little things that you do for YOU that make you happy, It is allowed.

Noticing : That the world is a pool of opportunities. I love it! This 2015 energy that everyone’s got has me feeling some type of way. Also…i have been typing ‘ancy’ when I actually mean “Antsy” , so embarrassing though.

Knowing : that  i will be very frustrated with the pace at which things work in Kenya. Once you experience efficiency, there is no turning back. Sigh.

Thinking : I should then learn to control my anger and be a bit more patient, raising my voice and eye rolling them will not make them do it any faster.Sigh.

Feeling : Very excited but very anxious to go back home. I’m gonna miss my swede families and friends so much and all the people I met back at my host university,however, I cannot wait to see my family and all my friends!

Bookmarking : uuum wow…now that I’m not reading a book. This is a bit tricky.

Opening : A new bank account when I am back home at a different bank! Let us just say I am most dissatisfied with the service at my current. Also opening a savings account.

Giggling : At how silly I am for not noticing the features on my laptop. This thing sends me news updates and foods to eat and fitness exercises and I had no idea. lol

That’s it for today folks,

love and love,

B.

So my next post was going to be about the people and culture of the Danes…mostly the people. We all know that is one key point of travel ,to be able to see how a different culture operates and what not. BUT….we can’t discuss that today. I HAVE TO TELL YOU about yesterday.

So I was moving cities from my little lovely city Växjö to another little city in Sweden called Sala. See I have one more week left here so I am doing a bit of local tourism but also because the journey from Sala to Arlanda C ( The airport ) is just one hour away and you take a direct train. From Växjö however, you have to make two train changes and there is no way I can start dealing with that kind of stress when I’m trying to catch a plane.

This is why.

And so the end of the year has finally spread its wings around us. We made it, 365 days and we still here! He has been so good to us and shown us nothing but love and all we can really do is be thankful. For everything but especially so for this life.

I feel like 2014 was the year of growth for me and getting to 2015 with new skin feels really great! You know how a snake sheds? That is what I mean.

2014 started on a low for me.My mum was gone and there was no bringing her back. It is not like she took everything with her because everywhere I turned I was reminded of her. They all tried to say that it would be fine and they understood but it never seemed to get any better. They said they would be there always but a few months in it was just the four of us against death and its ugly leftovers.

Everything was so hard, from the smile I had to wear on my beautiful face (Someone made a comment about my face,seriously, people are so extra. Life is too short bruh) everyday to the fear of the dark and death that made me sleep with my lights on every night. 2014 was not looking up. My GPA dropped by 0.1 and i was devastated! I had to do my exams immediately after the burial. Do you know how hard it is to get a point 0.1?lol…especially after how I had worked my ass off for it in the previous year because I am set on graduating with honors. It was all just crumbling down on me.

But it got better, somewhere in between Prayer and good friends and the bond of family, It got better. I did not gain the weight I had lost but the rest were starting to look brighter and healthier. Dad was looking healthier. Losing your loved one is not easy and for us our bodies showed it. Soon though, we were meeting people who noticed that our faces arched better and our smiles were warmer.

And then I moved. 6 months to experience the world. It was scary….but this half year is where most of the growth took place and I can really say I have morphed into something better, someone better. I am not the me that left 5 months ago and I am not the only one noticing it. I have slowly learned to let go and let God. I have grown spiritually too. As a woman, knowing what I am worth and what I deserve, in that way also. As a sister and as a daughter. As a friend too. And for this I am ever so grateful.

They say when you travel , your perspective changes and it is like you have a set of new eyes on. Every country I visited in Europe taught me something different and I could not be more grateful. I Thank my parents profusely for this opportunity and just to let them know that what they hoped I would get out of it, I have ,that and ten times more.

I have made networks and family so close that I know I have a place to stay when I next visit France. Sweden is home now and my mum (Diana) is coming to Kenya for my graduation. Denmark is always calling and Ethiopia is my next stop over as I tick off the countries I must visit.

Also I GAINED 8kgs!!!!!! You don’t know how happy this has made me. I lost so much weight and gaining it back was such a hustle! But when you are relaxed, both body and mind. It is possible. I was about done with hearing how my butt had disappeared,lol. (pride of any African woman if you ask me!) ahhh so so happy about this one.lol

And so now we are here at the end of this year. I hope that you have had a year of growth, achievement and prosperity that has prepared you for the next one and if not then at least I hope that plans to have a better one are in place.

I believe that anything is possible. I have been afforded the opportunity to move from the impossible to the possible and I now tell you that whatever darkness is there in your life is because there is a greater light waiting to be discovered. Make peace with the dark and when you are ready, I beg of you, sought after the light because we are destined for greatness and those dark patches are only to prepare us, to give us the adequate armor.

I wish you all a prosperous and fulfilling new year. That you may make all your dreams and wishes come true and in your journey that you may remember to take a soul with you. There is strength in numbers. That you may be blessed abundantly. That you are surrounded with intense amounts of love. That in the end you will always remember to be thankful.

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU.

love and love,

B.

2015

It is a bad habit. This one of not acknowledging your presence? I’m sorry. HEY! how are you doing ? Have you been well? Am I allowed to carry on? Only if you want me to , of course. Or a bit more TLC first? Yes I have been thinking about you, that’s how we are here today?Ca..can I now? Go ahead?Yes?Yes! Great!! 🙂

I have been reading too many blogs not to have picked up this tradition plus I feel two days of bombarding you with sad sad emotions is not fair,so maybe let us do this instead? It is happier anyway?well not really happy…but it is not sad,so that’s a win right? Let us do this then 🙂

Making : Plans to apply for a Visa. Travel the globe anyone?

Cooking: Do you cook dishes or prepare them? Preparing, a lot of new dishes lately, living alone really forces you into that Kitchen. My mum would be proud!

Drinking: Loads of water. I can count the number of times I have had a soda out here. If you have been trying to drink water so as to be healthier, try buying a ‘BOMB’ bottle. It works.

Reading: The telling error by Sophie Hannah. I have been reading this book since I got here. Don’t get me wrong, it is quite the read but between keeping up with school and satisfying my need to watch a movie or two everyday,well see where its got me.

Wanting: To bask under the sun at the Coast in Kenya.

Playing:Thinking out Loud by Ed Sheeran everyday before I hit the shower. This song though. I hope I don’t start hating it.

Wasting: A lot of time sleeping! Now that I am done for the semester, starting my day at a loose 3pm is quite fitting. lol

Sewing: Haha, Aggie maybe you can start teaching me?

Wishing: I had a proper heater in my room. This is a white standard heater, a girl from the tropics needs some extra extra . Do we say tropics? The people in the North and South are also in a tropic right? So why do we say tropics?gosh. I am panicking, i feel like all the Geography went out through the Window. 🙁

Enjoying: Writing this blog. I don’t know why it took me aeons. I am a shy girl, put me in a room full of people and I crumble. BUT, that doesn’t mean I am not thinking things… I wish I could say so many things but instead I just THINK them and then go home to play out how the scenario would have been had I said them. This blog though, my savior, my hands are doing the talking and the thoughts are SAID now…In writing, yeah But still!!

Liking: The response I am getting. I hope it helps someone out there. If I get too emo for you guys though, tell me, we can easily swap this for a fashion blog. Lol

Wondering: Whether I can manage to keep it strictly about Cancer. I ramble on and on about many things and now that I have a blog, i might just want to do it here. You know from Cancer to what I wore yesterday and then to how some people reason bothers me?lol

Loving: The fact that I have no school until next year!! 🙂

Marveling: At how I am hinting that fashion blog. I love it, fashion, but everyone has one, a blog I mean. I don’t want to get caught up and be “Another one of those fashion bloggers” to people, which is usually followed by some serious EYE ROLL! lol

Needing: I really need that heater.

Smelling: Of Strawberry body mist from body shop. I need to change fragrances and I don’t know to what , so this is my Limbo. lol

Wearing: My purple “High on Life” Jumper. This thing is the Shiznit!!!

Following: How to get away with murder as if my life depended on it. But scandal though, yoh( South Africans in the house?)

Noticing: body change. Exercise does work and so does eating #tears. But for real though, Sweat it and watch it make you smile! Soon il be hashtagging #isquat #iworkout #wateristhetruth #womenwholift , haha all those ones that people have come up with.

Knowing: That it will all get better with time.

Thinking: I have really changed in these 6 months, I might just come back and start talking like “You kenyans..” haha okay okay don’t judge me. I shall not. I promise. I am your home girl guys, chiiiiiil!!! 🙂

Feeling:POSITIVE!

Bookmarking: the next page of the telling error? Is that what this question means? I N.E.E.D to finish this book.

Opening: my gmail account every so often. Thanks guys 🙂 I am overwhelmed by all the love. Keep reading and I shall keep writing.

Giggling: at how my Dad’s Friends Daughter’s son (wow that was a mouthful) speaks Swahili. Don’t get me wrong, he is so FLUENT! But there’s something about a white baby( okay not white,mixed race) speaking Kiswahili so fluently. It is so cute. I can’t help but giggle in amazement. FLABBERGASTED was definitely a feeling the first time the words dropped from his mouth. I LOVE this kid.

That’s it for today folks!! ( Was this from looney tunes?lol)

SOON,

B.