I can’t seem to quell the feeling.

The missing, the longing, the wishing…

Each time I do a post like this, I seem to always have some sort of secret hope that it will be the last time that I have to write about how much I miss my mother. That at some point or another I will become attuned to the reality, the one without her in the picture. However, this just does not seem to be happening.

It doesn’t get better, it is even worse when you’re in a distant land and alone.

My dreams are back, the one’s of her. She is always so present until I wake up and then she is not.

I miss my mum.

Image By: @gdm.offthewall (Instagram Handle)

I long for the times and the memories we will never share. I constantly think about how, in another reality, I would be ringing her weekly, maybe daily, to tell her about my time here.

A quick phone call on my way to school probably explaining how full the tube was and hence the source of my coming cold because you know, contagious diseases, enclosed stuffy spaces, zero degree weather.

Another phone call, on a Sunday afternoon after church, window shopping on Oxford Street, “ What would you like me to get you? My gift to you,” I would say and she, “ Have you seen any nice culottes?” She loved culottes, even before they were thing. She had this green pair, I think its still in her wardrobe. I always thought they were a weird piece of clothing…until now 🙂

I really do miss her.

It is a letter to heaven but addressed to just one.

The third or fourth of its kind that I have penned down.

A letter to the one who gave me life and led me through it for 20 years.

An open letter to the one whose role I now play, 4 years later.

4 years, it has been 4 years but it only feels like yesterday.

An open letter to my queen in heaven, the one I called mom.

We had cake in our mouths, lol

How time flies.

In a few days, we will be having her memorial service.

A full year has gone by…another one.

Yet another year that we wish would have been spent in her presence.

Another year of hows and what ifs. A year of tears and laughter. Another year of sadness and happiness. All the motions that we only wish we would have gone through with her by our side.

I have not cried in a while. I forced myself to forget but also, apparently, it does get better in time.

Then mother’s day rolled around and so did the Instagram pictures!

Everyone showered their mother’s with love and praise and what sweet words were said. It was beautiful to read. It really indeed was wonderful to know that everyone appreciates their mum as much.

I hope it is not a one day thing but an every day thing, except on this day, Mother’s day, we go all out to remind them that they are special. That they mean the entire world to us. That without them we would be nothing. That, that “spark” , that “shine” that different factor we have about us would be non existent without them. And then when we get a little bit vain, we boast of the superb genes they passed on down to us. We thank them for those too.

It is a great reminder of what remarkable women our mother’s are and the type of super heroes they are. Wonder woman and Cat woman aside.Our Mother’s are the BUSINESS!

So tomorrow when she asks you to clean up after you’ve been out all day toiling at school, suck up those feelings and bend that back,Clean UP! When she asks for the remote which is a few feet away from her and yet you have to come all the way from your room, do it with a smile. When she says no about getting that one thing you have  been hinting at for months, understand that she knows why she is saying no. Trust me she does!

They only want the best for us. From the moment they find out they are pregnant and they choose to keep you, carry you for nine months, trust they only want the best! Because honey she could have easily flashed you down some toilet somewhere, she would have got some crude doctor somewhere to tug at your tiny features within her womb and force you out. She would have TERMINATED you…but she didn’t ! She agreed to go through a near death experience in labor just to have you! and then there after she worked her ass off to provide for you,to make sure you have the finer things in life.

Our mother’s are life and I miss mine terribly. Every day I am reminded of all that she has done for me and I couldn’t be more grateful for the lengths she went to make sure we turned out great. That we had everything we needed to be comfortable.

When mother’s day rolls around. I am reminded of the times she smacked us when we did wrong and I am thankful. I am reminded of the times she has said no to me and I see the blessing in the no. Of the times she hugged me and showed affection and it reminds me how much I miss having her around.

I thank my mother every day but especially today! Thank you for making sure we were molded to be the best versions of ourselves. Thank you for being loving and thoughtful. Thank you for the Yes’s and the No’s. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Happy Mother’s day to all special Mums out there !!! You are a special kind, blessed in a special way!!! ( This was typed on Mother’s day,  promise 🙂 )

Wasn't she a beauty?

Love and Love,



Cancer does that. She did that to me. But today I shall lay off. I don’t wish to give her too much airtime. Smug little piece of…. No I shall not. She isn’t even worth it.

Claiming mothers though, not cancer, Me! I have been claiming mothers. You see I still need a mother figure and not to replace or be a mother to me ( My mum did a remarkable job) but more like just to feel that warmth in my heart sometimes.You know how mothers give you that?

If you have lost a mother, you probably can relate. How you you start claiming someone else’s mum ( mostly your friends)? How you want to have conversations with them or just to wish them a good day? No? Well i just noticed I have been doing this a lot of late.

I have gone to my friend Stephanie’s house countable times, we haven’t been friends for too long (Those of you who think i’m claiming your friend too, relax,not her ,just her mum,lol) but I may very well have fallen in love with her mother. Has Musho’s mum ever given you a hug? Has she offered you tea or coffee at her house?and then gone ahead to drop a sarcastic or funny comment that left you in tears?(happy tears just so we are clear) I really feel the motherly love from this remarkable woman and when she asks Stephanie to send me a hug, oh i die.

I didn’t stop there though, I am collecting mothers as I go. I am currently in Sweden and Diana fell victim to this, what shall we call it?abomination? absurd behavior?, whatever, she fell victim. She was meant to be like the figure that shows me around here and helps me get by and she may or may not be close with me, all that mattered is that we had some sort of relation. But no…trust me to make Diana my swede mum!! I love her to pieces. You know the types of houses where you go and you know where everything is in the kitchen and which sofa is the most comfortable?Yeah. That’s her place. I even have a room in her house for sleep over nights!!! Vad kul! Du ar mamma, Diana 🙂 Tack sa mycket.

Text message: “Hi Barbie, how are you? Are you with Vaneeh?”  My best friend’s mum and I are texting buddies. Two to three texts that are not about her daughter makes us texting buddies right? Well i have insisted, we are! I call her mum too. Vanessa gives me a good laugh, her mum though? I could spend hours on end with her and I wouldn’t mind if Vanessa wasn’t there.Her house is home too, sleepovers? More like ” I am coming to use and wear the clothes I left here last time.” And with her it is even more mother like, she says no to us together. No not just Vanessa and then I can break the rules. Nope, No as in “Barbara my dear daughter, I said no” I love her. Please text me soon mum, sawa? Claimed mother? Very much so!

His mum. My good friend remember? From now on he shall go by El jefe,lol. Anyway,El Jefe’s mum? I claimed her too…now her place is like my second home. Call in to check at hers if you cannot reach me, I will probably be there. The atmosphere and energy I get when I am at her house is amazing, calming, homely! I love it there. I think if I get into particulars about how close we are (or how close I am insisting we are?I feel we are close, are we close?lol) you might judge me so I would rather not. But being one of the people who finishes the sweet Bananas in her house, I think you can figure it out. I even find it hard to call her by her name or aunty so and so.

You know how we Kenyans do that? OR do other people do it as well?maybe it is not just Kenyans.. But how someone who is not your real aunt becomes ” Aunty…” because you don’t want to be disrespectful and use their first name? Well even this “polite” way of addressing her doesn’t sit well with me. I can’t get myself to do it. It’s either “Hi mum” or just “Hi”  I always mutter the “mum” under my breath though, I must admit. Boys are over protective with their mums. I think she hears it though 🙂  Mummy number 4 down!

I am doing well 🙂

Well this post is just an appreciation post for all those ladies who have made me feel like I can go back to being a daughter for a bit. Those who have shown me love and made me realize  that despite that storm, it really is not a bad life. I have them at least. Thank You Mummies!

Daughters and Sons I am not taking them, you can have them, but treat them well,otherwise, i don’t mind being “Favorite daughter” ever! Parents do this you know? Where your friends are better than you? lol. Watch out 🙂

Have a good one,

love and love